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I can not stand to look or hear from my daughters father!!!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 43 Replies

So today I was picking up my dd4 and her father approached me and said that our dd4 is at the age where she tells everything and that I need to watch what i say around her or to her about her dad and stepmom.  I asked him what was he talking about and he said thats all he is going to say to me, then he kissed our daughter and got into his car and drove off.


I texted him when i got home but he is not responding to me.  I do not know what he is talking about, I do not talk bad about him or his wife infront of my dd4. 

The only issue that i have with them is that my Dd4 calls his wife mommy.  My dd4 has been doing that since she started talking but now My dd is getting older and I want her to know she only has 1 mother.  I do talk with my dd4 about me being her mother and that her stepmother is not her mother, the more I talk to my dd4 about it the more she refer to her sm as mommy and when I ask her who is her mother she says my name then when i ask her how many mommies do she have she says 2.  I did mention to her father mulitiple times about him needing to talk to our dd4 about calling his wife mommy but he basically said he's not talking to dd because dd knows who her mother is and obvisously calling her sm mommy  is how our dd4 is feels about her sm. 

My dd4 do not call my dh daddy because i respect her father as her father.  Why cant I earn the same respect!!


My dh seems like he is on my ex's side because he is always telling me to stop drilling my dd about her sm not being her mother because dd knows that already.  He also does not see the problem with dd calling her sm mom as well.  I just cannot let that go it hurts me so bad to hear her refer to her sm as mommy!!!  He says sd probably feels that way because she spends so much time with her dad and his family (we share 50/50).  He said that her father and sm and their kids is her  family unit at her dads, which I understand but i do not see the reason that sm can deserve to be called mommy by my dd4.

i wonder if my dd4 is going to her dad and telling her dad or sm that sm is not her moth or something because that is the only conversations that i have with my dd4 pertaining to her dad and his wife.  I do ask her how was her time with her dad etc when I pick her up but nothing bad.


Why do i feel so disrespected that my dd calls her sm mommy and the more my dd talks about her father and his wife she gets so excited.  That makes me happy to see that she is happy over there but why cant she just call her sm by her name.

My ex has 1 dd4 with me, his wife has 2 dd 5 & 9 and my ex and his wife has 2 together 1 & 2, Which all of them call my ex daddy even his wife kids.  i wonder if they teach all of the kids to call my ex daddy and his wife mommy. also my ex gave our dd4 and his wife dd 5 a birthday party together and i did attend and so did my ex;s sd5 BF and he seemed okay with his dd5 calling both him and my ex daddy. I do not care what all the other kids do but I care that my dd4 is calling another woman mommy and I want it to stop!!


My dh said thats part me being controlling but i do not think so I looking at it as a respect issue




Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:11 PM
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ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:20 PM
I don't know why you feel how you do. 've never been in your shoes, but my DH is with his son. His son calls his exSF dad because his mom pushed him to do so. Now DH has custody of SS, but he has been calling his SF dad for so long we could change it without a fight so we sat down with SS and said it hurt DH's feelings to hear home call SF dad so we asked that when he is with us to call him either step-dad or by his name. SS agreed. We still have to remind him sometimes, bit he's a lot better about it. Maybe instead of trying to make her stop you could ask her not to do it in your home.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:24 PM

Ill try that as well.....But its still pondering my mind what if her father and sm is saying the same thing that in their home my dd4 is to call her sm mommy and her bf daddy.....I really want my dd to only call me mommy and her father daddy and stepparents by their name or anything else except that title.  I taken it on a worst level that my ex because I carried my dd4 for 9 months i took care of her majority of the time when it comes to staying up when dd sick, or needs to go to the doctor etc. especially after I left my ex's mother house when my dd4 was 7 months till she was 1 1/2 then we started 50/50.

Quoting ramita:

I don't know why you feel how you do. 've never been in your shoes, but my DH is with his son. His son calls his exSF dad because his mom pushed him to do so. Now DH has custody of SS, but he has been calling his SF dad for so long we could change it without a fight so we sat down with SS and said it hurt DH's feelings to hear home call SF dad so we asked that when he is with us to call him either step-dad or by his name. SS agreed. We still have to remind him sometimes, bit he's a lot better about it. Maybe instead of trying to make her stop you could ask her not to do it in your home.


ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Its very possible they are, but again very possible she's just doing it. Either way you can't stop her from doing it completely, but you can ask that she not do it when she's with you.


Quoting Anonymous:

Ill try that as well.....But its still pondering my mind what if her father and sm is saying the same thing that in their home my dd4 is to call her sm mommy and her bf daddy.....I really want my dd to only call me mommy and her father daddy and stepparents by their name or anything else except that title.  I taken it on a worst level that my ex because I carried my dd4 for 9 months i took care of her majority of the time when it comes to staying up when dd sick, or needs to go to the doctor etc. especially after I left my ex's mother house when my dd4 was 7 months till she was 1 1/2 then we started 50/50.

Quoting ramita:

I don't know why you feel how you do. 've never been in your shoes, but my DH is with his son. His son calls his exSF dad because his mom pushed him to do so. Now DH has custody of SS, but he has been calling his SF dad for so long we could change it without a fight so we sat down with SS and said it hurt DH's feelings to hear home call SF dad so we asked that when he is with us to call him either step-dad or by his name. SS agreed. We still have to remind him sometimes, bit he's a lot better about it. Maybe instead of trying to make her stop you could ask her not to do it in your home.



RJC78
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:01 PM
2 moms liked this

If I were you, I'd try to let it go.  I totally get howit makes you feel, I think I would feel the same way in your shoes.  However, is it worth the stress it puts on your dd when you're drilling this into her?  It can't be fun to her, and at some point it's going to make her feel guilty and in the middle.  That's not fair to her.  Like your dh says, she knows who her parents are. 

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:20 PM

You really should have fixed this when it started and not waited several years to start. We had a similar issue when SS11 decided he wanted to go by his first name instead of his middle (he went by his middle name for almost 10 years). I asked him when he looks at me who does he see, my first name or my middle name. He said he sees me as my first name (as it is my 'label' essentially). I said exactly, just like most people see you as your middle name.

It sounds like your DD has given SM the 'mommy label' for the entire time she has known her, so changing it now would seem strange to her, kwim. I'm sure your DD is tired of hearing what she already knows also. Plus she hears 4 other kids at the other home calling this woman 'mom'.

If you really want to push it, tell your ex that you want this stopped and if he won't work with you then you will take it to court.

amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:31 PM
My SD will be 4 in June. I have been her SM for 3 years. She calls me Mama.

I don't want her too. I'm not her mom and I want her to understand that. But no matter how many talks I have had with her that she has 1 mommy, 1 daddy and 1 stepmommy she still says she has 2 mommies. Every now and then she will call me Manda or mommy manda. But most of the time I'm mama.

I still have talks with her every now and then explaining our family to her but I've dropped the name thing for now. I don't have any advice..just wanted you to hear about the same problem from the other side.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:32 PM
Quoting SassyMom25:

You really should have fixed this when it started and not waited several years to start. We had a similar issue when SS11 decided he wanted to go by his first name instead of his middle (he went by his middle name for almost 10 years). I asked him when he looks at me who does he see, my first name or my middle name. He said he sees me as my first name (as it is my 'label' essentially). I said exactly, just like most people see you as your middle name.

It sounds like your DD has given SM the 'mommy label' for the entire time she has known her, so changing it now would seem strange to her, kwim. I'm sure your DD is tired of hearing what she already knows also. Plus she hears 4 other kids at the other home calling this woman 'mom'.

If you really want to push it, tell your ex that you want this stopped and if he won't work with you then you will take it to court.



I did file for a court hearing but i dropped it because my lawyer said that most likely the judge will throw it out and give me a speech like he did previously regarding issues about her sm combing her hair.  The judge basically told me that i cannot control that when my dd is with her father.


Also my lawyer said requesting to go back to court for something that is not harmful to the child which can be easily detected threw her teachers and other people that see calling her sm mommy isnt harming my dd because she isnt showing any signs of problems that most likely itll be throw out and i will be stuck paying for legals fees for both parties.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:43 PM


Quoting Anonymous:


I did file for a court hearing but i dropped it because my lawyer said that most likely the judge will throw it out and give me a speech like he did previously regarding issues about her sm combing her hair.  The judge basically told me that i cannot control that when my dd is with her father.

That is where you screwed up the first time. This is when you pick your battles and hair grooming shouldn't be one of them.


Also my lawyer said requesting to go back to court for something that is not harmful to the child which can be easily detected threw her teachers and other people that see calling her sm mommy isnt harming my dd because she isnt showing any signs of problems that most likely it'll be throw out and i will be stuck paying for legals fees for both parties.

Otherwise, I don't have much for advice. I've heard of several parents taking it to court to be ordered that no other parent be referred to as 'mom' or 'dad' as it is a way parents alienate each other through the child.

jadedcynic
by Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:51 PM
4 moms liked this
I was sympathetic with you until you said that you took him to court because she combed your daughter's hair. That makes you look like a controlling wackadoo.

Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting SassyMom25:

You really should have fixed this when it started and not waited several years to start. We had a similar issue when SS11 decided he wanted to go by his first name instead of his middle (he went by his middle name for almost 10 years). I asked him when he looks at me who does he see, my first name or my middle name. He said he sees me as my first name (as it is my 'label' essentially). I said exactly, just like most people see you as your middle name.

It sounds like your DD has given SM the 'mommy label' for the entire time she has known her, so changing it now would seem strange to her, kwim. I'm sure your DD is tired of hearing what she already knows also. Plus she hears 4 other kids at the other home calling this woman 'mom'.

If you really want to push it, tell your ex that you want this stopped and if he won't work with you then you will take it to court.



I did file for a court hearing but i dropped it because my lawyer said that most likely the judge will throw it out and give me a speech like he did previously regarding issues about her sm combing her hair.  The judge basically told me that i cannot control that when my dd is with her father.


Also my lawyer said requesting to go back to court for something that is not harmful to the child which can be easily detected threw her teachers and other people that see calling her sm mommy isnt harming my dd because she isnt showing any signs of problems that most likely itll be throw out and i will be stuck paying for legals fees for both parties.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:58 PM
I think I agree with your husband. I think that you are being controlling. And I think you are borrowing trouble for nothing. As a mom I completely understand not wanting your child to call another woman mom. I don't like it either. But what I have learned in my 7 years of being divorced is that I cannot control the other home and what takes place in it. Coming to that realization and accepting it has helped me to move on from the petty things and I am more able to focus on my life and what is happening in my home. I also got some therapy and I think you should consider doing the same. It really will help you to get over any anger and resentment and to move past all of this stuff. Your child is 4. You have a very long road of seeing her father. The man you chose to have a child with. It is very unhealthy to have such feelings for a man that you are no longer in a relationship with. Hate is an emotion. When you have no hate and no love, when you are indifferent, that is when you are in a healthy place. Your husband probably hears all of this and wonders why you have such strong feelings towards your ex. That can't make him feel very good. When I was in therapy with my ex, he said he hated me. All of what I just said to you was stated to us. Wow! His wife was not happy to hear that he has feelings for me. Hate is a feeling. And it's stronger than love for some people. After 7 years my ex tells me at least weekly how much he hates me and can't stand the site of me. I laugh and pat myself on the back. He's still not over it. Poor guy. And poor wife. Lol
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