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I can not stand to look or hear from my daughters father!!!

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

So today I was picking up my dd4 and her father approached me and said that our dd4 is at the age where she tells everything and that I need to watch what i say around her or to her about her dad and stepmom.  I asked him what was he talking about and he said thats all he is going to say to me, then he kissed our daughter and got into his car and drove off.


I texted him when i got home but he is not responding to me.  I do not know what he is talking about, I do not talk bad about him or his wife infront of my dd4. 

The only issue that i have with them is that my Dd4 calls his wife mommy.  My dd4 has been doing that since she started talking but now My dd is getting older and I want her to know she only has 1 mother.  I do talk with my dd4 about me being her mother and that her stepmother is not her mother, the more I talk to my dd4 about it the more she refer to her sm as mommy and when I ask her who is her mother she says my name then when i ask her how many mommies do she have she says 2.  I did mention to her father mulitiple times about him needing to talk to our dd4 about calling his wife mommy but he basically said he's not talking to dd because dd knows who her mother is and obvisously calling her sm mommy  is how our dd4 is feels about her sm. 

My dd4 do not call my dh daddy because i respect her father as her father.  Why cant I earn the same respect!!


My dh seems like he is on my ex's side because he is always telling me to stop drilling my dd about her sm not being her mother because dd knows that already.  He also does not see the problem with dd calling her sm mom as well.  I just cannot let that go it hurts me so bad to hear her refer to her sm as mommy!!!  He says sd probably feels that way because she spends so much time with her dad and his family (we share 50/50).  He said that her father and sm and their kids is her  family unit at her dads, which I understand but i do not see the reason that sm can deserve to be called mommy by my dd4.

i wonder if my dd4 is going to her dad and telling her dad or sm that sm is not her moth or something because that is the only conversations that i have with my dd4 pertaining to her dad and his wife.  I do ask her how was her time with her dad etc when I pick her up but nothing bad.


Why do i feel so disrespected that my dd calls her sm mommy and the more my dd talks about her father and his wife she gets so excited.  That makes me happy to see that she is happy over there but why cant she just call her sm by her name.

My ex has 1 dd4 with me, his wife has 2 dd 5 & 9 and my ex and his wife has 2 together 1 & 2, Which all of them call my ex daddy even his wife kids.  i wonder if they teach all of the kids to call my ex daddy and his wife mommy. also my ex gave our dd4 and his wife dd 5 a birthday party together and i did attend and so did my ex;s sd5 BF and he seemed okay with his dd5 calling both him and my ex daddy. I do not care what all the other kids do but I care that my dd4 is calling another woman mommy and I want it to stop!!


My dh said thats part me being controlling but i do not think so I looking at it as a respect issue




Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:11 PM
Replies (11-20):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 4:01 PM
It's in my petition for modification currently. We go to court in two weeks. It's different though. My dd has stated to her therapist that she doesn't want to call Sm mom and she gets in to trouble when she doesn't. That's abuse and with the therapists testimony likely it will be stopped.


Quoting SassyMom25:


Quoting Anonymous:


I did file for a court hearing but i dropped it because my lawyer said that most likely the judge will throw it out and give me a speech like he did previously regarding issues about her sm combing her hair.  The judge basically told me that i cannot control that when my dd is with her father.

That is where you screwed up the first time. This is when you pick your battles and hair grooming shouldn't be one of them.


Also my lawyer said requesting to go back to court for something that is not harmful to the child which can be easily detected threw her teachers and other people that see calling her sm mommy isnt harming my dd because she isnt showing any signs of problems that most likely it'll be throw out and i will be stuck paying for legals fees for both parties.

Otherwise, I don't have much for advice. I've heard of several parents taking it to court to be ordered that no other parent be referred to as 'mom' or 'dad' as it is a way parents alienate each other through the child.


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laughnchica
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 4:22 PM

I know with my SD if you get angry or emotional about something she does and constantly bug her about it, she does it more because she is getting attention for it even if it is negative attention. I do believe that letting her do that for four years of her life was the wrong way to go about it...she has done it for so long, in her mind, Why is wrong NOW? And honestly....going to court because SM combed her hair....that is ridiculous. You could go to court about the calling her mommy thing but I doubt much will come from it unless you stalk the SM and record her telling her SD that she HAS to call her mommy...just saying. Waste of money. My DF's older daughter calls her SF Daddy and as much as he doesn't like it and he has talked to her about it....it will still happen because it has been allowed for so long. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 28, 2013 at 4:47 PM

i never heard my dd call her sm mommy until my dd started really talking good since she was 4......I highly believe my dd has been calling her mommy since she started talking because how freely she says it.

Quoting laughnchica:

I know with my SD if you get angry or emotional about something she does and constantly bug her about it, she does it more because she is getting attention for it even if it is negative attention. I do believe that letting her do that for four years of her life was the wrong way to go about it...she has done it for so long, in her mind, Why is wrong NOW? And honestly....going to court because SM combed her hair....that is ridiculous. You could go to court about the calling her mommy thing but I doubt much will come from it unless you stalk the SM and record her telling her SD that she HAS to call her mommy...just saying. Waste of money. My DF's older daughter calls her SF Daddy and as much as he doesn't like it and he has talked to her about it....it will still happen because it has been allowed for so long. 


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 28, 2013 at 4:48 PM
3 moms liked this

 It's just a name. It doesn't change anything between your daughter and you. It doesn't change her biology or who's vagina she came out of.

Does it?

I grew up in the same situation.

When my parents split up my sister was three months old and I was 4. They did their best to work through the details without it affecting us. In the beginning they had 50/50 custody and things were somewhat OK(that I can remember). But when my father met my step-mom things changed. My mother FLIPPED. She fought with his constantly about my SM being involved with my and my sisters life. She tried to control everything and made a lot of threats. It got so bad that when my sister was 17 months old we went to live with my father(court ordered). My father married my step mother 5 months later. She was then and is now one of the most important people in my life.

After we went to live with my father. My mother went off the deep end. I have a lot of issues with her and the way she behaved. I was old enough and can remember her screaming and throwing things. Mostly about my father and SM. She talked nasty about my dad and SM, called them names etc. She was very angry and bitter even though she had also remarried. She still wanted to control my father.

I hold A LOT of resentment toward my mother because she was so consumed with rage over my father and SM that she missed most of my childhood. She dragged my father into court every  month over the most stupidest reasons and would go off on another flip out when it didn't go her way. It was HELL.

When I was 8 1/2..I asked my step mother If I could call her mommy. I don't know why I did. I just wanted to. I loved her but I KNEW she wasn't my birth mother. I didn't need to be told that or have it drilled into my head. I know who my birth mother is. When I asked I think I shocked her. Before that we called her Cece. Which was her nickname. She sat me down and talked to me about it. Asked why I wanted to call her mommy and wanted me to make sure that's what I wanted. She spoke to my father about it and ultimately they both told me it was my decision. I was raised to be my own person, to have my thoughts and my own personality. I thought about it and decided I would call her mommy.  I did so for awhile before my mother found out. AGAIN she flipped.

She took my father to court and demanded I not be allowed to call my step mother, mommy.  I was very angry with my mother for her reaction. Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature.  So when the judge asked ME why. I was honest. I told him why I called my step mother mommy and was honest about what my mother referred to her as and that  was "the cunt". There was no reason for it, my step mother never did anything to my mother. She was always nice to her and NEVER said a bad word about my mother. Even NOW she is nice to my mother. The judge agreed and left it up to me.

The point of all this is PLEASE PLEASE do not be like that. It's a name and changes nothing. What did change was my attitude toward my mother over her bitterness and hate toward my step mother. I haven't spoken to her in 6 months. She still makes my life hell and after 31 years still refers to my step mother as the cunt.

Yes, I still call my step mother mommy. Well now it's shortened to mom. Kinda weird for a 35 year old to call her mom mommy. LOL

I do love my mother. I always have and always will but she let the bitterness cloud her judgment and missed my whole life over it.  My sister also calls my step mom mom but doesn't remember a lot of the fighting because she was so young. She does now feel the same about my mothers actions.

 

newwife1
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 8:23 PM

Oh no, she combed your daughter's hair?? How dare she do such a horrible thing.

If you can't stand to look at or speak to your ex you should have thought of that before having a kid with him.


laughnchica
by Silver Member on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:23 AM

Idk....my SD has been talking and able to call people by their name or nick name since she was 1 1/2 years old. And I think the bigger deal you make of it...the more she will do it.

Quoting Anonymous:

i never heard my dd call her sm mommy until my dd started really talking good since she was 4......I highly believe my dd has been calling her mommy since she started talking because how freely she says it.

Quoting laughnchica:

I know with my SD if you get angry or emotional about something she does and constantly bug her about it, she does it more because she is getting attention for it even if it is negative attention. I do believe that letting her do that for four years of her life was the wrong way to go about it...she has done it for so long, in her mind, Why is wrong NOW? And honestly....going to court because SM combed her hair....that is ridiculous. You could go to court about the calling her mommy thing but I doubt much will come from it unless you stalk the SM and record her telling her SD that she HAS to call her mommy...just saying. Waste of money. My DF's older daughter calls her SF Daddy and as much as he doesn't like it and he has talked to her about it....it will still happen because it has been allowed for so long. 



WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:38 AM

Did you really take Dad to court because SM was combing her hair?

Quoting Anonymous:


I did file for a court hearing but i dropped it because my lawyer said that most likely the judge will throw it out and give me a speech like he did previously regarding issues about her sm combing her hair.  The judge basically told me that i cannot control that when my dd is with her father.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:06 AM

 What you experienced is called Parental Alienation. It is sad that you went through this.


Quoting Anonymous:

 It's just a name. It doesn't change anything between your daughter and you. It doesn't change her biology or who's vagina she came out of.

Does it?

I grew up in the same situation.

When my parents split up my sister was three months old and I was 4. They did their best to work through the details without it affecting us. In the beginning they had 50/50 custody and things were somewhat OK(that I can remember). But when my father met my step-mom things changed. My mother FLIPPED. She fought with his constantly about my SM being involved with my and my sisters life. She tried to control everything and made a lot of threats. It got so bad that when my sister was 17 months old we went to live with my father(court ordered). My father married my step mother 5 months later. She was then and is now one of the most important people in my life.

After we went to live with my father. My mother went off the deep end. I have a lot of issues with her and the way she behaved. I was old enough and can remember her screaming and throwing things. Mostly about my father and SM. She talked nasty about my dad and SM, called them names etc. She was very angry and bitter even though she had also remarried. She still wanted to control my father.

I hold A LOT of resentment toward my mother because she was so consumed with rage over my father and SM that she missed most of my childhood. She dragged my father into court every  month over the most stupidest reasons and would go off on another flip out when it didn't go her way. It was HELL.

When I was 8 1/2..I asked my step mother If I could call her mommy. I don't know why I did. I just wanted to. I loved her but I KNEW she wasn't my birth mother. I didn't need to be told that or have it drilled into my head. I know who my birth mother is. When I asked I think I shocked her. Before that we called her Cece. Which was her nickname. She sat me down and talked to me about it. Asked why I wanted to call her mommy and wanted me to make sure that's what I wanted. She spoke to my father about it and ultimately they both told me it was my decision. I was raised to be my own person, to have my thoughts and my own personality. I thought about it and decided I would call her mommy.  I did so for awhile before my mother found out. AGAIN she flipped.

She took my father to court and demanded I not be allowed to call my step mother, mommy.  I was very angry with my mother for her reaction. Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature.  So when the judge asked ME why. I was honest. I told him why I called my step mother mommy and was honest about what my mother referred to her as and that  was "the cunt". There was no reason for it, my step mother never did anything to my mother. She was always nice to her and NEVER said a bad word about my mother. Even NOW she is nice to my mother. The judge agreed and left it up to me.

The point of all this is PLEASE PLEASE do not be like that. It's a name and changes nothing. What did change was my attitude toward my mother over her bitterness and hate toward my step mother. I haven't spoken to her in 6 months. She still makes my life hell and after 31 years still refers to my step mother as the cunt.

Yes, I still call my step mother mommy. Well now it's shortened to mom. Kinda weird for a 35 year old to call her mom mommy. LOL

I do love my mother. I always have and always will but she let the bitterness cloud her judgment and missed my whole life over it.  My sister also calls my step mom mom but doesn't remember a lot of the fighting because she was so young. She does now feel the same about my mothers actions.

 


 

BioNerd
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:22 AM

 First of all, I feel that you are a very petty person. Taking them to court over cutting hair??? Come the fuck on woman, pray tell you are joking!

In response to the whole Mommy thing, NO, she should not be calling her Mom, but she is. It's possible that they have coached her to do so, but honestly, there isn't a whole lot that you can do about it. I do feel that you have an intense need for control, and you are wigging out so bad about it because you CAN'T control it. This is one of those things that you have to wait out. I can tell you though that drilling her to death isn't going to help.

I suggest you talk to a professional about methods to deal with lack of control.

Pero2
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting BioNerd:

 First of all, I feel that you are a very petty person. Taking them to court over cutting hair??? Come the fuck on woman, pray tell you are joking!


I'm in two minds over this post ... the OP actually states "combing hair", which is an entirely different kettle of fish. That said, a haircut SM (back then live-out girlfriend) administered without parental consent (yup, she didn't even consult BF) was part of our court proceedings at one stage ... and, combined with a couple of other oversteppers, did result in SM pretty much being banned from anything "parental" in DD's life (school, doctors etc.).

As for the post ... the issue is that BF doesn't support BM in this respect, which he should since he is giving away HER role (not his). Hence, BM has no other option but going through the child (which is what I was forced to do). And that is what I would explain to BF ... if he didn't overstep by allowing the child to call SM "mom", then BM wouldn't have to speak to the child.

BUT, and here is the BIG but .... from merely reading the post, this seems to go way beyond merely explaining to the child that BM finds this disrespectful and hurtful (which, I'm sorry, is perfectly okay ... our children can't always get what they want). "Grilling" is mentioned ... and this will backfire!

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