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I can not stand to look or hear from my daughters father!!!

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

So today I was picking up my dd4 and her father approached me and said that our dd4 is at the age where she tells everything and that I need to watch what i say around her or to her about her dad and stepmom.  I asked him what was he talking about and he said thats all he is going to say to me, then he kissed our daughter and got into his car and drove off.


I texted him when i got home but he is not responding to me.  I do not know what he is talking about, I do not talk bad about him or his wife infront of my dd4. 

The only issue that i have with them is that my Dd4 calls his wife mommy.  My dd4 has been doing that since she started talking but now My dd is getting older and I want her to know she only has 1 mother.  I do talk with my dd4 about me being her mother and that her stepmother is not her mother, the more I talk to my dd4 about it the more she refer to her sm as mommy and when I ask her who is her mother she says my name then when i ask her how many mommies do she have she says 2.  I did mention to her father mulitiple times about him needing to talk to our dd4 about calling his wife mommy but he basically said he's not talking to dd because dd knows who her mother is and obvisously calling her sm mommy  is how our dd4 is feels about her sm. 

My dd4 do not call my dh daddy because i respect her father as her father.  Why cant I earn the same respect!!


My dh seems like he is on my ex's side because he is always telling me to stop drilling my dd about her sm not being her mother because dd knows that already.  He also does not see the problem with dd calling her sm mom as well.  I just cannot let that go it hurts me so bad to hear her refer to her sm as mommy!!!  He says sd probably feels that way because she spends so much time with her dad and his family (we share 50/50).  He said that her father and sm and their kids is her  family unit at her dads, which I understand but i do not see the reason that sm can deserve to be called mommy by my dd4.

i wonder if my dd4 is going to her dad and telling her dad or sm that sm is not her moth or something because that is the only conversations that i have with my dd4 pertaining to her dad and his wife.  I do ask her how was her time with her dad etc when I pick her up but nothing bad.


Why do i feel so disrespected that my dd calls her sm mommy and the more my dd talks about her father and his wife she gets so excited.  That makes me happy to see that she is happy over there but why cant she just call her sm by her name.

My ex has 1 dd4 with me, his wife has 2 dd 5 & 9 and my ex and his wife has 2 together 1 & 2, Which all of them call my ex daddy even his wife kids.  i wonder if they teach all of the kids to call my ex daddy and his wife mommy. also my ex gave our dd4 and his wife dd 5 a birthday party together and i did attend and so did my ex;s sd5 BF and he seemed okay with his dd5 calling both him and my ex daddy. I do not care what all the other kids do but I care that my dd4 is calling another woman mommy and I want it to stop!!


My dh said thats part me being controlling but i do not think so I looking at it as a respect issue




Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:11 PM
Replies (21-30):
BioNerd
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 12:34 PM

 I am a fucking douche. I did NOT mean to type cutting. I meant to type COMBING. I have zero freaking clue where that came from. That's what I get for cooking, feeding a kid, eating and CM all that the same time! lol

I totally agree. Cutting hair is different. SM cut DD's hair like a boy's one time and I was spitting fire.

But just for brushing it??? Good grief charlie brown!

Quoting Pero2:

 

 

Quoting BioNerd:

 First of all, I feel that you are a very petty person. Taking them to court over cutting hair??? Come the fuck on woman, pray tell you are joking!

 

I'm in two minds over this post ... the OP actually states "combing hair", which is an entirely different kettle of fish. That said, a haircut SM (back then live-out girlfriend) administered without parental consent (yup, she didn't even consult BF) was part of our court proceedings at one stage ... and, combined with a couple of other oversteppers, did result in SM pretty much being banned from anything "parental" in DD's life (school, doctors etc.).

As for the post ... the issue is that BF doesn't support BM in this respect, which he should since he is giving away HER role (not his). Hence, BM has no other option but going through the child (which is what I was forced to do). And that is what I would explain to BF ... if he didn't overstep by allowing the child to call SM "mom", then BM wouldn't have to speak to the child.

BUT, and here is the BIG but .... from merely reading the post, this seems to go way beyond merely explaining to the child that BM finds this disrespectful and hurtful (which, I'm sorry, is perfectly okay ... our children can't always get what they want). "Grilling" is mentioned ... and this will backfire!

 

Pero2
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 12:39 PM

I recently made a post about this ... whether children should always get what they want.

Forget for one second your mother's conduct .... think of her as a normal mother, who makes the normal parenting mistakes, but no name-calling, no alienation (which is what she attempted to do). Would you still consider it okay for you (the child) to make this decision?

"Mom" isn't only my name .. it's my role, my life (because 99% of the decisions I need to make on a daily basis are influenced by the fact that I am a mother), the source of much joy, but definitely more sacrifices. So in my opinion, giving my "name" (or whatever you want to call it) to another woman would be a massive insult, a criticism of my parenting by my own child.

We give our children different names, don't we? In fact, many extended families coordinate what they name their offspring to avoid confusion, many consider it disrespectful to "steal" a cousin's first name. So why is it acceptable for a child to put all the females in one pot and "name" them the same?


Quoting Anonymous:

Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature. 
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Apr. 29, 2013 at 12:57 PM
2 moms liked this

I feel like there are a lot of inconsistencies here ....

 

You say, The only issue that i have with them is that my Dd4 calls his wife mommy.” Yet, your title says that you can’t stand to look or hear from your daughter’s father. That’s a pretty strong statement, especially from someone who says they only have one issue.

 

You say, “I do talk with my dd4 about me being her mother…” but then mention that your own DH says you always telling me to stop drilling my dd about her sm not being her mother”. From your description of how you ask her who her mother is and quiz her on how many mommies she has, I’d agree – you are drilling her.

 

I don’t know why you feel so disrespected, but think it has to do with control. You said your DH said it was your controlling side, and you even admitted that you’ve actually taken them to court over SM combing DD’s hair.

 

I know it might suck to hear DD calling SM ‘mom’, but you might have to let it go. When I was younger I called SF ‘dad’. I did it because all the other kids called him dad. I had two stepbrothers, and my younger sister. Calling him ‘SF’ made me the odd one out and my siblings were quick to point it out. I’ll admit that I called him dad to fit in. I stopped after my stepbrothers went to live with their mom, and my stepmom decided to tell me how badly it hurt my dad when I called SF ‘dad’.

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 29, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

look at it this way, your dd is calling her the same name that all the other kids in the house are calling her.  As long as she still calls you 'mom', I don't think you have an issue.  you are making this confusing to your daughter, do you really want to do that?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 29, 2013 at 5:49 PM

 Yes, I would and do feel the same way.

Weather the child calls their step mother mom or by their name it doesn't change their biology.  

 

Quoting Pero2:

I recently made a post about this ... whether children should always get what they want.

Forget for one second your mother's conduct .... think of her as a normal mother, who makes the normal parenting mistakes, but no name-calling, no alienation (which is what she attempted to do). Would you still consider it okay for you (the child) to make this decision?

"Mom" isn't only my name .. it's my role, my life (because 99% of the decisions I need to make on a daily basis are influenced by the fact that I am a mother), the source of much joy, but definitely more sacrifices. So in my opinion, giving my "name" (or whatever you want to call it) to another woman would be a massive insult, a criticism of my parenting by my own child.

We give our children different names, don't we? In fact, many extended families coordinate what they name their offspring to avoid confusion, many consider it disrespectful to "steal" a cousin's first name. So why is it acceptable for a child to put all the females in one pot and "name" them the same?

 

Quoting Anonymous:

Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature. 

 

Pero2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 4:29 AM

This has nothing to do with biology ... I can understand situations where a BM is out of the picture for whatever reason, and the child then calls SM "mom" because she is the only mom the kid has got.

BUT ... should we really let our children play mind games? Should they really get to be the judges in the "parenting competition"?

When we separated, DD was 6.5 years old. SM (who was the other woman ... so probably a bit of bad conscience here) swamped her with toys and other gifts, threw her a massive 7th birthday party (house decorated from top to bottom), took her to get her nails done etc. Her interest in DD waned after a while, and now is very limited indeed, but ... should DD really have had the opportunity to "adopt" SM as a new "mom" because she is "better" (and that's debatable) at some things than her real mom (moi) is?

If that was the case, let's go a step further then ... maybe they'd prefer to live with the rich childless neighbours instead, who'd love a kid and would spoil it rotten ... or a committed family member who is all fun and games?

I'd like to add another thing ... why do you think we have so many divorces? 50 years ago divorces weren't as acceptable as they are now, people had to work harder on their marriages. Today, they call themselves "bonus families" .. if you are still with your first husband you are obviously a crap parent, witholding the "bonus" from your child. We are teaching our children it's not only perfectly acceptable, but even desirable to divorce ... after all, you've got two families, two houses, two mommies, two daddies ... isn't that just fantastic?


Quoting Anonymous:

 Yes, I would and do feel the same way.

Weather the child calls their step mother mom or by their name it doesn't change their biology.  


tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 7:54 AM

I would be upset too.  The bad thing is all these kids are little.  So since the others call her mommy then yours picks up on it too.   My teen SK's told me that they had to call me mom in front of my DS because otherwise he was going to call me by first name also.    Thing is teens understand better than confusing the little ones.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:40 AM

 Who said anything about presents or buying things for the child?

You are starting to sound like the bitter mother that is looking for reasons to hate on your ex and his gf/wife.

WAY over thinking it.

You can try to rationalize your reasons for being against it all you want. MY point was calling someone "mother/mommy changes nothing in the relationship. You wanna act like your child is being disrespectful by doing it that's on you. But I'm SURE the child doesn't even know what the word means.

If you can't put the bitterness aside and let YOUR child make that decsion for his or herself then you are no better than my mother.

 

Quoting Pero2:

This has nothing to do with biology ... I can understand situations where a BM is out of the picture for whatever reason, and the child then calls SM "mom" because she is the only mom the kid has got.

BUT ... should we really let our children play mind games? Should they really get to be the judges in the "parenting competition"?

When we separated, DD was 6.5 years old. SM (who was the other woman ... so probably a bit of bad conscience here) swamped her with toys and other gifts, threw her a massive 7th birthday party (house decorated from top to bottom), took her to get her nails done etc. Her interest in DD waned after a while, and now is very limited indeed, but ... should DD really have had the opportunity to "adopt" SM as a new "mom" because she is "better" (and that's debatable) at some things than her real mom (moi) is?

If that was the case, let's go a step further then ... maybe they'd prefer to live with the rich childless neighbours instead, who'd love a kid and would spoil it rotten ... or a committed family member who is all fun and games?

I'd like to add another thing ... why do you think we have so many divorces? 50 years ago divorces weren't as acceptable as they are now, people had to work harder on their marriages. Today, they call themselves "bonus families" .. if you are still with your first husband you are obviously a crap parent, witholding the "bonus" from your child. We are teaching our children it's not only perfectly acceptable, but even desirable to divorce ... after all, you've got two families, two houses, two mommies, two daddies ... isn't that just fantastic?

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 Yes, I would and do feel the same way.

Weather the child calls their step mother mom or by their name it doesn't change their biology.  

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:17 AM
Wow, it kinda sucks the life out of you when the person you yearn to call mom is missing out on one of the fruitful things of life, their child.

Simply because she chooses to put her attention towards other things that have no real benefit. Kids aren't stupid, they can sense the anger, depression, need to control. And it really does take away from the more important things.

OP, you have to find some positivity in this.

My roommate lost her daughter to cancer about 5 years ago (at about 3 years of age).

Enjoy what you have while you have it. Don't let your anger consume you. Your child deserves to see you happy.








Quoting Anonymous:

 It's just a name. It doesn't change anything between your daughter and you. It doesn't change her biology or who's vagina she came out of.


Does it?


I grew up in the same situation.


When my parents split up my sister was three months old and I was 4. They did their best to work through the details without it affecting us. In the beginning they had 50/50 custody and things were somewhat OK(that I can remember). But when my father met my step-mom things changed. My mother FLIPPED. She fought with his constantly about my SM being involved with my and my sisters life. She tried to control everything and made a lot of threats. It got so bad that when my sister was 17 months old we went to live with my father(court ordered). My father married my step mother 5 months later. She was then and is now one of the most important people in my life.


After we went to live with my father. My mother went off the deep end. I have a lot of issues with her and the way she behaved. I was old enough and can remember her screaming and throwing things. Mostly about my father and SM. She talked nasty about my dad and SM, called them names etc. She was very angry and bitter even though she had also remarried. She still wanted to control my father.


I hold A LOT of resentment toward my mother because she was so consumed with rage over my father and SM that she missed most of my childhood. She dragged my father into court every  month over the most stupidest reasons and would go off on another flip out when it didn't go her way. It was HELL.


When I was 8 1/2..I asked my step mother If I could call her mommy. I don't know why I did. I just wanted to. I loved her but I KNEW she wasn't my birth mother. I didn't need to be told that or have it drilled into my head. I know who my birth mother is. When I asked I think I shocked her. Before that we called her Cece. Which was her nickname. She sat me down and talked to me about it. Asked why I wanted to call her mommy and wanted me to make sure that's what I wanted. She spoke to my father about it and ultimately they both told me it was my decision. I was raised to be my own person, to have my thoughts and my own personality. I thought about it and decided I would call her mommy.  I did so for awhile before my mother found out. AGAIN she flipped.


She took my father to court and demanded I not be allowed to call my step mother, mommy.  I was very angry with my mother for her reaction. Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature.  So when the judge asked ME why. I was honest. I told him why I called my step mother mommy and was honest about what my mother referred to her as and that  was "the cunt". There was no reason for it, my step mother never did anything to my mother. She was always nice to her and NEVER said a bad word about my mother. Even NOW she is nice to my mother. The judge agreed and left it up to me.


The point of all this is PLEASE PLEASE do not be like that. It's a name and changes nothing. What did change was my attitude toward my mother over her bitterness and hate toward my step mother. I haven't spoken to her in 6 months. She still makes my life hell and after 31 years still refers to my step mother as the cunt.


Yes, I still call my step mother mommy. Well now it's shortened to mom. Kinda weird for a 35 year old to call her mom mommy. LOL


I do love my mother. I always have and always will but she let the bitterness cloud her judgment and missed my whole life over it.  My sister also calls my step mom mom but doesn't remember a lot of the fighting because she was so young. She does now feel the same about my mothers actions.


 


jazzymom760
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:30 AM
This. Children sometimes know best.

It's an environmental thing basically. For the OP to expect DD to call SM by her name or SM that would only put DD in a position to feel left out as all the other kids call her mom.

I believe this is why my DS started calling SO dad. DS was 5 when I had DD so I guess he did his own math and decided he wasn't going to feel left out.


Quoting tiredmama42:

I would be upset too.  The bad thing is all these kids are little.  So since the others call her mommy then yours picks up on it too.   My teen SK's told me that they had to call me mom in front of my DS because otherwise he was going to call me by first name also.    Thing is teens understand better than confusing the little ones.  


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