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I can not stand to look or hear from my daughters father!!!

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

So today I was picking up my dd4 and her father approached me and said that our dd4 is at the age where she tells everything and that I need to watch what i say around her or to her about her dad and stepmom.  I asked him what was he talking about and he said thats all he is going to say to me, then he kissed our daughter and got into his car and drove off.


I texted him when i got home but he is not responding to me.  I do not know what he is talking about, I do not talk bad about him or his wife infront of my dd4. 

The only issue that i have with them is that my Dd4 calls his wife mommy.  My dd4 has been doing that since she started talking but now My dd is getting older and I want her to know she only has 1 mother.  I do talk with my dd4 about me being her mother and that her stepmother is not her mother, the more I talk to my dd4 about it the more she refer to her sm as mommy and when I ask her who is her mother she says my name then when i ask her how many mommies do she have she says 2.  I did mention to her father mulitiple times about him needing to talk to our dd4 about calling his wife mommy but he basically said he's not talking to dd because dd knows who her mother is and obvisously calling her sm mommy  is how our dd4 is feels about her sm. 

My dd4 do not call my dh daddy because i respect her father as her father.  Why cant I earn the same respect!!


My dh seems like he is on my ex's side because he is always telling me to stop drilling my dd about her sm not being her mother because dd knows that already.  He also does not see the problem with dd calling her sm mom as well.  I just cannot let that go it hurts me so bad to hear her refer to her sm as mommy!!!  He says sd probably feels that way because she spends so much time with her dad and his family (we share 50/50).  He said that her father and sm and their kids is her  family unit at her dads, which I understand but i do not see the reason that sm can deserve to be called mommy by my dd4.

i wonder if my dd4 is going to her dad and telling her dad or sm that sm is not her moth or something because that is the only conversations that i have with my dd4 pertaining to her dad and his wife.  I do ask her how was her time with her dad etc when I pick her up but nothing bad.


Why do i feel so disrespected that my dd calls her sm mommy and the more my dd talks about her father and his wife she gets so excited.  That makes me happy to see that she is happy over there but why cant she just call her sm by her name.

My ex has 1 dd4 with me, his wife has 2 dd 5 & 9 and my ex and his wife has 2 together 1 & 2, Which all of them call my ex daddy even his wife kids.  i wonder if they teach all of the kids to call my ex daddy and his wife mommy. also my ex gave our dd4 and his wife dd 5 a birthday party together and i did attend and so did my ex;s sd5 BF and he seemed okay with his dd5 calling both him and my ex daddy. I do not care what all the other kids do but I care that my dd4 is calling another woman mommy and I want it to stop!!


My dh said thats part me being controlling but i do not think so I looking at it as a respect issue




Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:11 PM
Replies (31-40):
KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:41 AM

Please get some counseling. At this point your only goal should be loving your daughter MORE than you hate her father, and that can look like a lot of things... I get that you don't like some of the things, you can speak your peace.. but  ultimately you don't have any control.  

Regardless of what your child calls her stepmom, she will always know you're her momma, you two will always have an unbreakable biological bond that she isn't going to feel with anyone else. She will always pick you and her dad over anyone else as long as you guys treat her right.. Treating her right is showing you love her enough to not try to control the other household, especially when you share 50/50 and allow her the freedom to make her own special bond with the stepmom.

jazzymom760
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:44 AM
How would you be insulted unless you weren't doing your ultimate best as a mother.

My mother was the same way and still is a control freak to this day.


Quoting Pero2:

I recently made a post about this ... whether children should always get what they want.

Forget for one second your mother's conduct .... think of her as a normal mother, who makes the normal parenting mistakes, but no name-calling, no alienation (which is what she attempted to do). Would you still consider it okay for you (the child) to make this decision?

"Mom" isn't only my name .. it's my role, my life (because 99% of the decisions I need to make on a daily basis are influenced by the fact that I am a mother), the source of much joy, but definitely more sacrifices. So in my opinion, giving my "name" (or whatever you want to call it) to another woman would be a massive insult, a criticism of my parenting by my own child.

We give our children different names, don't we? In fact, many extended families coordinate what they name their offspring to avoid confusion, many consider it disrespectful to "steal" a cousin's first name. So why is it acceptable for a child to put all the females in one pot and "name" them the same?



Quoting Anonymous:

Again it's just a name. It didn't make me any less her daughter and I was hurt that she tried to force me or take away my right to decide for myself. Granted I was only 9 at that point but I was very mature. 

Pero2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:15 AM

I do not particularly hate my ex, nor do I hate his wife ... they certainly both got what they deserved, which is each other! BUT .. I LOVE my role as a mother, and have no intention of sharing it ... nor do I have any intention of giving my child (who, at nearly 13 now and 6.5 at the point of our separation, certainly did understand what respect and disrespect was) the option to add "parents" to her "collection" ... she has got two, not always perfect, but certainly not in need of replacing or supplementing either.

As for calling someone "mom/mommy" and the relationship which entails ... it certainly won't change anything from an emotional point of view ... but I don't govern my child's feelings. DD is aware that I don't hold SM in very high esteem, we talked about this years ago. But DD also knows that she is entitled to like things and people I don't like ... our example was always mushrooms, which she hates and I love. I won't give up mushrooms for her ... but won't force her to eat them either.

However, the use of "mom/mommy" would probably change my DD's mindset as regards to the "pecking order" (for the lack of a better word). A "mom" and a "dad" are the ultimate permission givers, the ones who need to be consulted. Given our separated status, we started very early on to make sure that we always obtained two permissions (for example, if DD wants a change in hairstyle (like pink highlights), she has to get the okay of both parents).

Given the fact that (1) SM's parenting style is the complete opposite of what BF and I used to practise up to and beyond our separation and (2) SM doesn't agree with the "all parties onboard" principle (i.e. in her opinion SHE (as a non-parent) should be entitled to make parental decisions (which go beyond what's for dinner at her house) even without consulting BF), I made it very clear to DD that SM is not a parent from day 1.

Now, SM not being a parent doesn't mean DD can be rude (she can't), doesn't have to listen (she does), or can't love/like her (she can) ... what it means is that DD should not approach her when it comes to parental stuff (which also removes the temptation of approaching the "weakest link"). At 6.5 at the time of our separation, she very quickly figured out the difference between parental stuff and matters that relate to their household and theirs only ... a lot of adults seem to be lacking that level of understanding.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Who said anything about presents or buying things for the child?

You are starting to sound like the bitter mother that is looking for reasons to hate on your ex and his gf/wife.

WAY over thinking it.

You can try to rationalize your reasons for being against it all you want. MY point was calling someone "mother/mommy changes nothing in the relationship. You wanna act like your child is being disrespectful by doing it that's on you. But I'm SURE the child doesn't even know what the word means.

If you can't put the bitterness aside and let YOUR child make that decsion for his or herself then you are no better than my mother.


Quoting Pero2:

This has nothing to do with biology ... I can understand situations where a BM is out of the picture for whatever reason, and the child then calls SM "mom" because she is the only mom the kid has got.

BUT ... should we really let our children play mind games? Should they really get to be the judges in the "parenting competition"?

When we separated, DD was 6.5 years old. SM (who was the other woman ... so probably a bit of bad conscience here) swamped her with toys and other gifts, threw her a massive 7th birthday party (house decorated from top to bottom), took her to get her nails done etc. Her interest in DD waned after a while, and now is very limited indeed, but ... should DD really have had the opportunity to "adopt" SM as a new "mom" because she is "better" (and that's debatable) at some things than her real mom (moi) is?

If that was the case, let's go a step further then ... maybe they'd prefer to live with the rich childless neighbours instead, who'd love a kid and would spoil it rotten ... or a committed family member who is all fun and games?

I'd like to add another thing ... why do you think we have so many divorces? 50 years ago divorces weren't as acceptable as they are now, people had to work harder on their marriages. Today, they call themselves "bonus families" .. if you are still with your first husband you are obviously a crap parent, witholding the "bonus" from your child. We are teaching our children it's not only perfectly acceptable, but even desirable to divorce ... after all, you've got two families, two houses, two mommies, two daddies ... isn't that just fantastic?


Quoting Anonymous:

 Yes, I would and do feel the same way.

Weather the child calls their step mother mom or by their name it doesn't change their biology.  





Pero2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:24 AM

Who judges "best"? I presume every mother would assume she is doing her best ... even if the rest of the world thinks she is a crap mother. People have different abilities, different expectations etc.

Am I a control freak? Yup ... but I think when it comes to children you have to exert a certain level of control to keep them on the right track! Control isn't always a bad thing ... unless you expect that child to have an exclusive relationship with you and don't allow it to form other bonds.

I don't expect that level of exclusivity with DD, quite the contrary, it would scare and suffocate me. If I had expected it, I wouldn't have agreed to a voluntary 50/50 with BF. But I do expect from her that she recognises my efforts on an individual level, appreciates the love/sacrifices/etc. based on my personal abilities as opposed to compared with a third party.


Quoting jazzymom760:

How would you be insulted unless you weren't doing your ultimate best as a mother.

My mother was the same way and still is a control freak to this day.


Pero2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:41 AM

I'd like to comment on this specifically ...

First of all, I'm not bitter. But I sacrificed a lot in my role as a mother, for my daughter, throughout the duration of my relationship with her father ... because I thought (and to some extent still do think) that the best for a child would be a nuclear family.

We are talking continous cheating (more than seven years of it), financial problems (gambling etc. ... and no, I wasn't the one who did), mental issues (again, not mine) ... I thought I'd be able to ignore ... and I was wrong.

Effectively, my life was put on hold for about 7 years ... his problems, his issues, his needs had priority.

Post-separation, and this is where I am ... I've got a great job (which allows me to fund my DD's needs pretty much on my own), a nice(ish) house of my own (working on sprucing it up), a lovely man to share my life with, a cat, a horse ... HAPPINESS.

The only minor problem is the dealings with BF ... but hey, that's my own fault. So why on Earth would I add another problem to spoil what I certainly think I deserve in the form of adding another "vote" to the mix? I am busy enough ensuring to fulfill my own DF's needs (and all that without inconveniencing BF) ... do I really need another person with views/needs/wishes to take into account? Plus, bear in mind that that person brought two further kids into the marriage with BF ... more needs and wishes. Then there is an ex (who has needs and wishes), his second wife (needs and wishes), more children (needs and wishes).

I'm not martyr material! Not even for my child!

Quoting Anonymous:

If you can't put the bitterness aside and let YOUR child make that decsion for his or herself then you are no better than my mother.


jazzymom760
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 10:52 AM
Who judges "best"? No one. As long as you, as an individual, are doing your best. Why feel insulted?

Doesn't matter how you slice and dice it. It still doesn't make it against the law for your child to call someone else daddy, mommy, uncle, sister etc..

It may be against the "mommy code"
handbook but it technically doesn't hurt
anyone. It's about allowing your child space for making their own judgements.

Jmo


Quoting Pero2:

Who judges "best"? I presume every mother would assume she is doing her best ... even if the rest of the world thinks she is a crap mother. People have different abilities, different expectations etc.

Am I a control freak? Yup ... but I think when it comes to children you have to exert a certain level of control to keep them on the right track! Control isn't always a bad thing ... unless you expect that child to have an exclusive relationship with you and don't allow it to form other bonds.

I don't expect that level of exclusivity with DD, quite the contrary, it would scare and suffocate me. If I had expected it, I wouldn't have agreed to a voluntary 50/50 with BF. But I do expect from her that she recognises my efforts on an individual level, appreciates the love/sacrifices/etc. based on my personal abilities as opposed to compared with a third party.



Quoting jazzymom760:

How would you be insulted unless you weren't doing your ultimate best as a mother.



My mother was the same way and still is a control freak to this day.



packermomof2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:18 AM

 


Quoting Anonymous:

look at it this way, your dd is calling her the same name that all the other kids in the house are calling her. 

 

So?  Will it confuse SM's kids if other people's kids don't call her mom?  if so, she needs to worry about her kids and help them understand that she is their mom and not SK's. 

If the kid is copying, easily remedied if dad wants to fix it. if dad doesn't, he's a moron for expecting mom to respect him and what he says (watch what you say) when he can't respect mom's wishes on what her kid calls others.

 

 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
packermomof2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:24 AM

 


Quoting Anonymous:

 

You can try to rationalize your reasons for being against it all you want. MY point was calling someone "mother/mommy changes nothing in the relationship. You wanna act like your child is being disrespectful by doing it that's on you. But I'm SURE the child doesn't even know what the word means.

If you teach your kid what the word disrespect means they do know it.  Mine have known from an early age.  Because I taught them what was respectful and what wasn't. 

This was never one of the issues that came up - they heard other people calling other women "mom" and it never confused them to the point where they felt they should call other women mom - they understood that I was mom and it was never explained to them. 

You may be okay with your kids calling others mom, and that is your prerogative.  You may have a different idea of what is respectful and disrespectful for your kids to do/call others, that is your choice.  But there is no "right" answer for a mom on this topic.  Mom does not have to accept not the mom being called mom by her own kids just because that woman fears her kids won't understand that mom is their mom and not other kids. 

Does a SM want dad, grandma's, etc to all call her mom, too, as to make it easier on her kids?  What about her friends, do they have to refer to as mom?  If not, other people's kids are no different. (yes, I rolled my answer to two different posts into this one)

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Pero2
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 11:42 AM

No different from a husband having a lover ... it isn't against the law ... yet I doubt a lot of wives would be happy allowing their husbands space for making their own judgement!

This isn't much different ... whilst the relationships per se cannot be compared, the exclusivity of the roles certainly can. You have an unlimited number of friends (hopefully), an unlimited number of cousins, siblings, aunties, uncles etc, two sets of grandparents, one wife (at least in our culture) ... so why is it so wrong to have ONE set of parents, one mom, one dad?

And yes, technically I do think it does hurt on many levels ... the mother (or father, since there are plenty of BMs who promote daddyV.2 and 3 and 4), and I can't even say that (in my opinion)  it is in the child's best interest either.

Plus ... why should the person whose role is about to be shared have no input in this parental decision? I'm happy with BF sharing his title of "dad" with SM, if he wishes to do so!

Quoting jazzymom760:

Who judges "best"? No one. As long as you, as an individual, are doing your best. Why feel insulted?

Doesn't matter how you slice and dice it. It still doesn't make it against the law for your child to call someone else daddy, mommy, uncle, sister etc..

It may be against the "mommy code"
handbook but it technically doesn't hurt
anyone. It's about allowing your child space for making their own judgements.

Jmo


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:44 PM

 

Quoting packermomof2:

 

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 

You can try to rationalize your reasons for being against it all you want. MY point was calling someone "mother/mommy changes nothing in the relationship. You wanna act like your child is being disrespectful by doing it that's on you. But I'm SURE the child doesn't even know what the word means.

If you teach your kid what the word disrespect means they do know it.  Mine have known from an early age.  Because I taught them what was respectful and what wasn't. 

This was never one of the issues that came up - they heard other people calling other women "mom" and it never confused them to the point where they felt they should call other women mom - they understood that I was mom and it was never explained to them. 

You may be okay with your kids calling others mom, and that is your prerogative.  You may have a different idea of what is respectful and disrespectful for your kids to do/call others, that is your choice.  But there is no "right" answer for a mom on this topic.  Mom does not have to accept not the mom being called mom by her own kids just because that woman fears her kids won't understand that mom is their mom and not other kids. 

Does a SM want dad, grandma's, etc to all call her mom, too, as to make it easier on her kids?  What about her friends, do they have to refer to as mom?  If not, other people's kids are no different. (yes, I rolled my answer to two different posts into this one)

 You are just being completely ridiculous. Not going to bother even answering anymore.

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