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I feel bad, but its how I feel and I can't help it

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So, we found out that we are having another baby.....I went from two kids to now four ( SD 9 just moved it). My kids are very clingy and want to touch my stomach and cuddle and do all that mushy stuff because they are intrigued with the idea of a baby in my belly. (My oldest is 8 and my youngest is 3) I see that it seems like SD wants to do the same thing, but I am not comfortable with it at all. I feel horrible because its not like she lives with her mom and only visits on EOWE like before. I really don't feel comfortable with her rubbing my belly or trying to cuddle, is this normal? am I wrong for feeling this way?

by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 9:21 PM
Replies (181-190):
Pero2
by on May. 2, 2013 at 8:33 AM
1 mom liked this

 It wouldn't be because of your SD though, would it? It would be because of your DH, his cheating and your decision to take him back nevertheless?


Quoting Tpayne2011:

I think its unfair to not bond with my children during this exprerience because of my SD ( just being honest, I do understand what you are saying though). It is hard to fake something like that, I'm trying to find a medium between not feeling uncomfortable and not making her feel like an outsider

  

 


 

shanlee42
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2013 at 9:14 AM
1 mom liked this
It seems that you posted this mess with some purpose of having us tell you were right. Many of us feel you are dead wrong not allowing this child to participate in the pregnancy. It's not her fault that she is in the situation she is in. You are the adult. You chose to accept this child. You need to grow up here.
Tpayne2011
by on May. 2, 2013 at 10:29 AM

where did I say I was excluding her from the pregnancy? in any of my post? me not cuddling with her means that she is being excluded? I wasn't looking for validation, I asked for advice and suggestion for this "mess"


Quoting shanlee42:

It seems that you posted this mess with some purpose of having us tell you were right. Many of us feel you are dead wrong not allowing this child to participate in the pregnancy. It's not her fault that she is in the situation she is in. You are the adult. You chose to accept this child. You need to grow up here.



Tpayne2011
by on May. 2, 2013 at 10:32 AM


i'm not sure what your question is pertaining to, please explain

Quoting Pero2:

 It wouldn't be because of your SD though, would it? It would be because of your DH, his cheating and your decision to take him back nevertheless?


Quoting Tpayne2011:

I think its unfair to not bond with my children during this exprerience because of my SD ( just being honest, I do understand what you are saying though). It is hard to fake something like that, I'm trying to find a medium between not feeling uncomfortable and not making her feel like an outsider







Pero2
by on May. 2, 2013 at 10:45 AM

 


Quoting Tpayne2011:

 

i'm not sure what your question is pertaining to, please explain

You entered this marriage and the ensuing pregnancy with the knowledge that your now DH once cheated on you and that his actions resulted in a child. Whilst I truly feel for you because I hate that tummy touching, I think it would be disastrous if you allowed your children to touch their future sibling and not your skid ...

The only thing I can suggest is that you have your snuggles with your children whilst your DH takes out his child for quality time.

Tpayne2011
by on May. 2, 2013 at 11:02 AM

I understand that he cheated and had a child outside of us, sd and ds are 6 months apart, that was also ten yrs ago. I didn't just up and marry him, we have been through hell and back. It is one thing to have a stepchild that lives with their mother and then it is different to have them live with you. The cheating has nothing to do with how I feel, I don't snuggle with god kids or nieces and nephews. I will allow her to touch my stomach, but I will not snuggle or cuddle with her. Just because she is a child does not mean I totally disregard my feelings or the feelings of my own children. I hope that makes sense. I take care of her because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to. I try and give her the best opportunities in life, just like I do with my boys, but I am their mother, I am not hers. I'm not looking for accolades I just want her to be a productive member of society that can care for herself. Not cuddling with someone else's mother isn't going to kill her. She has been distant since I told her about the baby and I asked her yesterday why? and if she has noticed that she has been doing it. She said yes and its because "there is always something happening". She also said " first the court thingy and now your having a baby, it just seems like there is always something happening". what do you take from that? what do you think she means? SD loves attention and wouldn't care if we never paid any attention to the other two children, as long as she got all the time and attention.

Quoting Pero2:




Quoting Tpayne2011:


i'm not sure what your question is pertaining to, please explain

You entered this marriage and the ensuing pregnancy with the knowledge that your now DH once cheated on you and that his actions resulted in a child. Whilst I truly feel for you because I hate that tummy touching, I think it would be disastrous if you allowed your children to touch their future sibling and not your skid ...

The only thing I can suggest is that you have your snuggles with your children whilst your DH takes out his child for quality time.



dallas4nu
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:34 PM
1 mom liked this
I think its normal. Although as sm's we're expected to have this natural maternal instinct for kids that aren't ours...lol. I understand where your coming from - and how difficult it can be to try and explain. Honestly, I'd feel uncomfortable if ss started rubbing my belly and cuddling with me. He's not my child...its..different..and awkward...
Tpayne2011
by on May. 2, 2013 at 5:44 PM
Thank you, some people in here make it seem as if its the most natural thing and I'm a monster for feeling uncomfortable and I should just deal with it because my DH cheated way back when and I took him back, so taking him back means I should cuddle with another woman's child smh


Quoting dallas4nu:

I think its normal. Although as sm's we're expected to have this natural maternal instinct for kids that aren't ours...lol. I understand where your coming from - and how difficult it can be to try and explain. Honestly, I'd feel uncomfortable if ss started rubbing my belly and cuddling with me. He's not my child...its..different..and awkward...

palomita460
by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:32 AM
So you are just doing all this to prove your husband that you are the nice person ?, you are angry that she needs to stay with you guys until college, poor girl I really feel sorry for her that she had to go through all that with her parents divorce and now her selfish step mother thinking of when is she moving out , I
really don't believe that you give her affection or hugs , or anything nice, you do not love or care about you step daughter at all , and I think I know the reason, she has the same age as your own son, or you were with your husband when he was still with he's ex or the other way around . The mistakes that we as an adult make are not the child's fault ..


Quoting Tpayne2011:

I understand that your response stems from your own situation and you probably don't know my own stitch. My sd would not be living here if it wasn't for me, we have a relationship and a good one at that. I just don't feel comfortable cuddling with her. I don't think it's horrible that I want to preserve some of the relationship I have with my own kids. She can touch my stomach from time to time, but I will not cuddle with her and if that makes me horrible then so be it. I take care of this child day in and day out. I am her caretaker, counselor, provider but I am not her mother or her friend. I don't want friendship from a nine yr old. I tell all of the kids that not their friend, friendship comes later in life when they can understand this whole parenting thing, when they are parents themselves




Quoting palomita460:

Yes you are terribly wrong you probably jealous of her is she daddy's princess? Well in my opinion you should give her a chance she's only a child and if she's liking the idea of having another brother or sister that means that she is a very nice kid and anyway when ever you have the baby she would probably be the first to help you with your newborn baby :) don't loose the chance of getting close to your step daughter :) , what would I give to have that opportunity with my step daughters they hate me they even hate their dad and I just don't understand what they hate me I haven't done anything to them , I understand why they are mad at their dad cause he mad some mistakes when he was with them , but I got nothing to do with that, I met my Hubby 2 years after he was divorced and we have 3 boys I wish that they would accept me as a friend , but they are poison by their mom and grandma :(


Tpayne2011
by on May. 7, 2013 at 6:18 AM
Your so wrong lol, for one they were never married, yes we were together and he cheated. Sd is 6 months older than my oldest son. I absolutely didn't do this for my DH, I don't give a rats ass if he thinks I'm nice or not lol ( seriously that doesn't make any sense). You don't have to believe that I give her affection, clearly your not in my home and your tunnel vision won't let you think beyond your own experience. Stop and think, if she was being mistreated by me would she leave her mother, which she just admitted to lying and twisting things just so she could live with us, to be here? My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs, we are pass the honeymoon stage sweetie lol. She doesn't have to stay here, she can be sent back when ever, but I'm pissed that she lied on her Bm and gm like that to get her way. Why wouldn't she do that to me or DH? What makes us different? Especially if she is trying to get her way. I don't trust her and neither does DH, this is so serious mess.


Quoting palomita460:

So you are just doing all this to prove your husband that you are the nice person ?, you are angry that she needs to stay with you guys until college, poor girl I really feel sorry for her that she had to go through all that with her parents divorce and now her selfish step mother thinking of when is she moving out , I

really don't believe that you give her affection or hugs , or anything nice, you do not love or care about you step daughter at all , and I think I know the reason, she has the same age as your own son, or you were with your husband when he was still with he's ex or the other way around . The mistakes that we as an adult make are not the child's fault ..




Quoting Tpayne2011:

I understand that your response stems from your own situation and you probably don't know my own stitch. My sd would not be living here if it wasn't for me, we have a relationship and a good one at that. I just don't feel comfortable cuddling with her. I don't think it's horrible that I want to preserve some of the relationship I have with my own kids. She can touch my stomach from time to time, but I will not cuddle with her and if that makes me horrible then so be it. I take care of this child day in and day out. I am her caretaker, counselor, provider but I am not her mother or her friend. I don't want friendship from a nine yr old. I tell all of the kids that not their friend, friendship comes later in life when they can understand this whole parenting thing, when they are parents themselves






Quoting palomita460:

Yes you are terribly wrong you probably jealous of her is she daddy's princess? Well in my opinion you should give her a chance she's only a child and if she's liking the idea of having another brother or sister that means that she is a very nice kid and anyway when ever you have the baby she would probably be the first to help you with your newborn baby :) don't loose the chance of getting close to your step daughter :) , what would I give to have that opportunity with my step daughters they hate me they even hate their dad and I just don't understand what they hate me I haven't done anything to them , I understand why they are mad at their dad cause he mad some mistakes when he was with them , but I got nothing to do with that, I met my Hubby 2 years after he was divorced and we have 3 boys I wish that they would accept me as a friend , but they are poison by their mom and grandma :(



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