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step kid on the way, more added. Update 12/27

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

12/27 The babies are here. It was twins! I myself am doing pretty good during this. I had to meet with the other woman before she let the kids come over. We are getting to see them 2x a month (how DH wanted it) for just a couple hours at a time.  It was a boy and a girl. They are a month and a half old. She doesn't want child support and her husband is on the birth certificate. Im not really sure where to go from here as far as leagal stuff but im leaving that up to them.  So far all communication is through me... thats how i wanted it but she is the one that brought it up first. When she drops them off she tells me how they are doing and whats changed with them. So far everything is civil. She knows that when they are here i am mostly doing all the work and that i will be part of the their life and discipline while at my house... she knew this from day one and seemed to be ok with it.

When i 1st posted this... it was all freash and i didn't know what to do/think and my mind was going everywhere. so reading back its kinda like.... really! LOL

 

I have posted about my situation before. DH got another woman pregnant but we are staying together and working on things.
Right now she is about 9 weeks pregnant and DH has had no contact with her for about 25 days. I only asked for him to cut contact for 2 weeks and our counselor suggested no contact with the other woman with out me or an email that only I know the password to. So she will not be dealing with him but with us. If we ever meet in person ( I think it will be next month) I will not speak, I will not email her but I will be with my husband 100% of the time he speaks to her now.

My question is what can we do now to ensure that dh can get 50/50? I know dh wanted to tell her all the benefits of adoption and how the will help her but I told him that if he emailed that to her she could use it against him in court so he won't get 50/50. From a legal point I know I have no rights to this child. Also dh doesn't want to be made to pay half of daycare because I am at home all day and I can watch the baby while mom or dad work. We also don't think it would be fine for the baby to bond to a temp caregivers when I will be here its whole life.



I was just using this to kinda think out loud. Dh and I do have problems but as I said we are working on them. He still living at his parents but spends time here aftervwork. No I don't trust him , not right now. I know the trust level will never be the same and he knows that. Yes he made a huge mistake. I gave him the option to leave, heck since he doesn't live here he doesn't really have to come over everyday. He decided to stay ( after I had already decided to stay) he was at a point in our marriage that he didn't love me. He us willing to stay and fall back in love with me.
I know you ladies will think I'm stupid but I do still love him. My whole world was my husband and kids. When he did this it made my world come crashing down. Now we are picking up the pieces .
We are both trying to better our self's, he is improving on things that bothered me and I am improving on things that bothered him.

All of this is hard for me. Our situation has so many moving parts and only a limited amount of time for our marriage to get strong.
I'm sorry a bunch of you think Im crazy. i

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 12:51 AM
Replies (151-160):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 5, 2013 at 8:31 PM

You two are dreaming if you think 50/50 custody means that there will be no CS paid out to anyone.


Quoting Anonymous:

 we have thought about that but the thing is,I know this will sound very selfish, I don't want to pay child support. If we have to pay we will not be able to send our kids to school. Our son goes to a private school and that is also were our youngest was going to go.She actually makes more than my husband but she lives in a hotel...I just don't think a hotel is a place to raise a child. Now she may find a place to rent before baby gets here.

Also my youngest is 3 and we still have all the baby stuff so getting 50/50 with nobody paying child support would be cheaper for us because our kids were born in the winter and we have everything for a girl and a boy so we wouldn't have to buy anything but diapers and wipes.

Quoting thatislife:

Here is the thing, your marriage isn't even healed enough for you and your husband to be living in  the same house let alone having his and lover's child with you every day.  I'm sure this is a nightmare for you and I am sorry for it but honestly if the parents are not able to be with the child they both should get a say in who is watching him/her and let the judge decide.  You have said you want to adopt the child but have you thought the other direction?  Let the Mother have the child primarily (instead of you and your dh) given the tumultuous situation? 




DDDaysh
by on May. 6, 2013 at 3:57 PM
I am glad you are getting divorced even if it is only for protection. Make sure to get everything you want in the CO while he is being accomodating.
liltigersmom
by on May. 6, 2013 at 10:39 PM
Nice plan, but you're forgetting one key person, the mother.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
liltigersmom
by on May. 6, 2013 at 10:48 PM
Op, how do u know the bm is staying in a hotel, your wonderful dh probably told u that so you wouldn't go see her. Do u really think he wants to be caught? C'mon put your thinking cap on.

Your dh is probably still seeing her, bet on that.

Your dh will have to pay cs, count on it, and get yourself a job.

Why isn't your dh at home yet, you cant make a family with the skid, without one of the parents.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
liltigersmom
by on May. 6, 2013 at 11:00 PM

 op, totally screams.

please, please, please stay with me, don't leave me and oh the kids. we need you ::translation::: i still want to live the yuppie lifestyle, and be a sahm.

I will love you , I promise, and i will accept the baby, look i'm decorating a bedroom for her, i will baby sit too. please stay with me, move back home.

liltigersmom
by on May. 6, 2013 at 11:04 PM
1 mom liked this

 dh is saying, you can have the password to my account, what that really means, is i have another e mail account you know nothing about, and won't because you're too fixated on raising someone elses baby.

Oh and I will stop seeing her :::translation::: I will lie where she lives, i will be getting a prepay phone. sure, we'll work things out suuure. just as soon as i don't want to be sticking my pickle in everyones sandwish. oh and so i won't lose everything. as long as i can keep my wife hushed, i will continue doing what i'm doing.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2013 at 11:30 PM
My brother says 'cheAper to keep her'


Quoting liltigersmom:

 dh is saying, you can have the password to my account, what that really means, is i have another e mail account you know nothing about, and won't because you're too fixated on raising someone elses baby.


Oh and I will stop seeing her :::translation::: I will lie where she lives, i will be getting a prepay phone. sure, we'll work things out suuure. just as soon as i don't want to be sticking my pickle in everyones sandwish. oh and so i won't lose everything. as long as i can keep my wife hushed, i will continue doing what i'm doing.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
annplusone
by New Member on May. 7, 2013 at 12:14 AM

Sometimes you do everything you can to save your family, not to stay a SAHM, but because you have built a life, a future and you are terrified to consider that gone. It's not so much the marriage, but everything that marriage means. It's terrifying to have that ripped away from you by no choice of your own. It makes you feel worthless, shamed, scared, less of a woman, a bad mom, the negative feelings are endless.

To say a woman who has been cheated on is trying to salvage what she considers her life because she wants to "live a yuppie lifestyle and stay a sahm" is just mean. But it does tell me you've never been cheated on, which I am glad for. No one deserves that hell.

OP, I hope you do get that divorce and file for as much support as you can. Your children deserve it. And Hey, if you and your H decide to work it out the child support stays in the family. So while you figure out how to deal with this horrific blow you were dealt less than two months ago, protect yourself.

And I promise you can get through this. Time heals, therapy speeds the time up, and focusing on your kids and the begining of your new career will help fill the time. But please consider therapy. You get one life, and you deserve more than this.  You can live your life without being lied to every day. Good Luck. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 7, 2013 at 12:39 AM
That is even more disgusting that you are condoning 'keeping the child support in the family', why so the other child that he helped to create won't 'get as much'. OP isn't motivated by a life style but your motivation to her is to 'keep the money in the family'? Where's your logic coming from?


Quoting annplusone:

Sometimes you do everything you can to save your family, not to stay a SAHM, but because you have built a life, a future and you are terrified to consider that gone. It's not so much the marriage, but everything that marriage means. It's terrifying to have that ripped away from you by no choice of your own. It makes you feel worthless, shamed, scared, less of a woman, a bad mom, the negative feelings are endless.

To say a woman who has been cheated on is trying to salvage what she considers her life because she wants to "live a yuppie lifestyle and stay a sahm" is just mean. But it does tell me you've never been cheated on, which I am glad for. No one deserves that hell.

OP, I hope you do get that divorce and file for as much support as you can. Your children deserve it. And Hey, if you and your H decide to work it out the child support stays in the family. So while you figure out how to deal with this horrific blow you were dealt less than two months ago, protect yourself.

And I promise you can get through this. Time heals, therapy speeds the time up, and focusing on your kids and the begining of your new career will help fill the time. But please consider therapy. You get one life, and you deserve more than this.  You can live your life without being lied to every day. Good Luck. 


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OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on May. 7, 2013 at 12:59 AM
1 mom liked this

Sweetie, you've been given good advice. Listen to these ladies. I've been a member of the SP forums on CM for 5 years now (although basically inactive for the past year) under a different SN. I've gotten to know these women, I'm almost 32 years old, and I will say that I wish I had listened to their advice years ago. I was a stubborn, almost 27 year old back then, and the ONLY thing I can say is that had I listened, I wouldn't have my beautiful DD3. However, it wasn't in my best interest or now DD's best interest that I went against the wisdom of these ladies. 

 No, my situation wasn't the same. Yes, my ex was a cheat, but he was much worse as well, although thankfully, no child from another woman was conceived from his indiscretions. What I can say, is if I were in your shoes, I would want nothing to do with his spawn (I know it's not the child's fault, but my blood is boiling for you just reading this). If I were the OW, I would ask him to sign over his parental rights. Hell, me personally? I wouldn't have told him. I'd rather people think my baby was a drunken one night stand than the product of me sleeping with a married man. That's just me. And I sure as hell wouldn't want my kids dad and his wifey-poo playing house with my child. You are not mom to this baby. You never will be. She probably hates you just as much as you hate her (although she has no reason to, she's the one who slept with a married man). There are 2 victims in this: you, and the unborn kid (well, more, cause you have innocent kids, too). There is no magic, instant bond with step-kids. Yes, it's possible to love your step-kids close to your own, but it's rare, and more often than not, it's when BM is either dead or uninvolved and there's no outside pressure from her. Don't forget, that's intended for situations when day's kids were part of the package when you met. I cannot imagine having anything other than anger and loathing towards the product of my husband's infidelity. If you can, God bless you. I'm just saying, these other ladies are dead on. Listen to them, and do what's best for your kids. Don't stay together for your kids, divorce isn't the end of the world. Good luck. 

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