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step kid on the way, more added. Update 12/27

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

12/27 The babies are here. It was twins! I myself am doing pretty good during this. I had to meet with the other woman before she let the kids come over. We are getting to see them 2x a month (how DH wanted it) for just a couple hours at a time.  It was a boy and a girl. They are a month and a half old. She doesn't want child support and her husband is on the birth certificate. Im not really sure where to go from here as far as leagal stuff but im leaving that up to them.  So far all communication is through me... thats how i wanted it but she is the one that brought it up first. When she drops them off she tells me how they are doing and whats changed with them. So far everything is civil. She knows that when they are here i am mostly doing all the work and that i will be part of the their life and discipline while at my house... she knew this from day one and seemed to be ok with it.

When i 1st posted this... it was all freash and i didn't know what to do/think and my mind was going everywhere. so reading back its kinda like.... really! LOL

 

I have posted about my situation before. DH got another woman pregnant but we are staying together and working on things.
Right now she is about 9 weeks pregnant and DH has had no contact with her for about 25 days. I only asked for him to cut contact for 2 weeks and our counselor suggested no contact with the other woman with out me or an email that only I know the password to. So she will not be dealing with him but with us. If we ever meet in person ( I think it will be next month) I will not speak, I will not email her but I will be with my husband 100% of the time he speaks to her now.

My question is what can we do now to ensure that dh can get 50/50? I know dh wanted to tell her all the benefits of adoption and how the will help her but I told him that if he emailed that to her she could use it against him in court so he won't get 50/50. From a legal point I know I have no rights to this child. Also dh doesn't want to be made to pay half of daycare because I am at home all day and I can watch the baby while mom or dad work. We also don't think it would be fine for the baby to bond to a temp caregivers when I will be here its whole life.



I was just using this to kinda think out loud. Dh and I do have problems but as I said we are working on them. He still living at his parents but spends time here aftervwork. No I don't trust him , not right now. I know the trust level will never be the same and he knows that. Yes he made a huge mistake. I gave him the option to leave, heck since he doesn't live here he doesn't really have to come over everyday. He decided to stay ( after I had already decided to stay) he was at a point in our marriage that he didn't love me. He us willing to stay and fall back in love with me.
I know you ladies will think I'm stupid but I do still love him. My whole world was my husband and kids. When he did this it made my world come crashing down. Now we are picking up the pieces .
We are both trying to better our self's, he is improving on things that bothered me and I am improving on things that bothered him.

All of this is hard for me. Our situation has so many moving parts and only a limited amount of time for our marriage to get strong.
I'm sorry a bunch of you think Im crazy. i

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 30, 2013 at 12:51 AM
Replies (21-30):
Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:20 AM

Different situation but...my DHs ex was 6 months pregnant when we started dating.  About 6 weeks in he got paternity results and was the father.  As much as I hated it, I accepted that he saw her and spoke with her regulary about the baby - names, parenting, doctors appointments and such.  I accepted when he was gone in the hospital the night she had the baby, and the days following.  I accepted the considerable amount of time spent alone with her and their new son in the weeks following his birth.  I never discouraged him when it came to spending time with his son, whether she was there or not. 

I met SS when he was 2 weeks old.  A horribly long two weeks to wait.  But it wasn't my place to be involved with the mother at all.  DH made these choices and I made the choice to stay with him after finding out paternity.  So in affect, I made the choice to suck it up and deal with it.  You need to do the same.

For the first 11 months of SSs life we were completely at the liberty of BM seeing him and spending time with him when she would allow.  Court takes time and DH didn't file until SS was 5 months old - things weren't settled until he was 15 months old.  DH was lucky.  BM started allowing overnights at 6 weeks old.  Most women won't.  And they don't have to.  Your DH will be lucky to get a couple hours at a time.  Especially if she is breastfeeding. 

All you can do is stand back and wait.  It's up to DH to make the decisions.  If he consults you, give your opinion, but you won't be allowed in the courtroom, your name will be nowhere on the papers, and all you're going to do is piss off BM and make her recoil and cling to the baby - doing everything in her power to keep her child from you.

SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:24 AM
Yeap

Damage was done and shes trying to fix it by planning how to become this childs mother
Like if she were adopting and this is a totally different case

Shes trying harder to be in this childs life, than putting that effort of walking away i say

I also say, shes in denial. Thats common to do when you just find out about your spouse having an affair and then the anger sets in and the i dont give a shit. Shes not there yet


Quoting whatIknownow:


yes, this is exactly what I am hearing. As though taking the baby away from the mother is a means to undo the damage.


Quoting SnapIt:

Concentrate on fixing your marriage



You are putting too much effort on
how to take the baby away from the mother and not enough of why did my husband cheat


brandyk705
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:31 AM

She is correct!  No judge will take a new born away from BM for any overnights.  My DH was not granted over nights till SD was 2 yrs old and that was only 2 at a time.  You have a long road ahead of you if you really think you can stick it out.  Its hard enough being a SP let alone knowing that that SK was a result of an Affair!  And if he really wants to even attempt to get 50/50 someday than he can not just ignore her during the entire pregnancy just to make you more comfortable.  As bad as it may be he needs to be there for this child and that means EVERYTHING not just after its born.  Do you honestly think that by you babysitting there contact it is going to change anything?  Men are sneaky, liars and there is always ways to hide things.  I think you really should just pack your shit and leave!  The only things you have brought to light is the financial aspect of this situation.  Its not a business deal its a CHILD!  Fix your home life or leave do not let a baby come into such a toxic situation.

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:39 AM
1 mom liked this
You can try to make all the plans you want, but don't be surprised when momma bear comes a roarin.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:49 AM

I just read your other post. I am really in shock at your level of denial.

You're already decorating a room for the baby. Your husband wants the baby to call you mom. 

hburnette3
by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:50 AM

I'm going get bashed.  I can feel it.

but if I was in that situation DamnHubby would have two options if he wanted to stay with me.

Option 1 Baby Mama get an abortion

Option 2 Baby Mama give the baby up for adoption.


I under thank Baby Mama may not be willing to do either.  Then it would be too bad for DH.  Bye Bye DH.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 8:56 AM


I wouldn't bash you for that. Basically what you're saying is, if the child is born alive and is still in the mother's care (meaning, in your DH's life in any way), then you would not stay married.

It's a valid choice.

But this poster has two children with her husband. so if you make that choice, you are creating a divorce situation for your own children. Maybe she is trying to find a way to avoid her own divorce and therefore avoid allowing her children to maintain their intact family. That is also a consideration.

Quoting hburnette3:

I'm going get bashed.  I can feel it.

but if I was in that situation DamnHubby would have two options if he wanted to stay with me.

Option 1 Baby Mama get an abortion

Option 2 Baby Mama give the baby up for adoption.


I under thank Baby Mama may not be willing to do either.  Then it would be too bad for DH.  Bye Bye DH.




WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:03 AM
2 moms liked this

You would have to go with option 3 - divorce.  You can't reasonably expect a woman to give up her child because Dad is a cheating whore and his wife has a problem with it.

Quoting hburnette3:

I'm going get bashed.  I can feel it.

but if I was in that situation DamnHubby would have two options if he wanted to stay with me.

Option 1 Baby Mama get an abortion

Option 2 Baby Mama give the baby up for adoption.


I under thank Baby Mama may not be willing to do either.  Then it would be too bad for DH.  Bye Bye DH.




amantonacci
by Gold Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:03 AM
Doesn't she say in that post that her dh isn't living with her? Is that the same one?


Quoting whatIknownow:

I just read your other post. I am really in shock at your level of denial.

You're already decorating a room for the baby. Your husband wants the baby to call you mom. 


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 30, 2013 at 9:05 AM


yes, but I presume he is back living with her again?

Quoting amantonacci:

Doesn't she say in that post that her dh isn't living with her? Is that the same one?


Quoting whatIknownow:

I just read your other post. I am really in shock at your level of denial.

You're already decorating a room for the baby. Your husband wants the baby to call you mom. 




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