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Introducing myself and situation

Posted by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:42 AM
  • 6 Replies
Hello! I am a CSP to my 13 year old SD. SD has lived with us for the last 4 years, before that DH and BM had SD 50/50. We don't have custody through the court, it is an agreement between BM and DH as long as BM doesn't have to pay child support. SD doesn't like her mother, actually she despises BM. For the last 4 years SD, DH, and I have been put through hell by this woman. She refuses to believe anything that comes out of SD's mouth are her own thoughts and feelings so she just dismisses them. BM tells anyone and everyone how horrible DH and I are (including her sons girlfriends). She says horrible things about us infront of and to SD. She has a Very warped view of reality. She is a victim and nothing is her fault. She stopped showing up to SD's school and extra curricular functions in 1st grade. And now only shows up when she has a new man to prove to him what a wonderful and attentive she is as a BM. She is on her 3rd fiancé since November. Each has moved into her place after a week and she leaves SD alone with them.

Every time she gets a new guy within a few weeks they start trying to tell SD how she should treat and love her mother - they defend her to the hilt and have no interest in listening to WHY SD feels the way she does or the just dismiss her feelings as us brainwashing her. She hates BM bringing these men into her life and DOES want a relationship with her WITHOUT these men and HATES that she makes comments about us because as she has told BM DH and I have been the only parents to go to any school thing in almost 7 years. She started calling me "mom" last year and she refers to BM by her first name in our home - we haven't asked her to do this, she has done it on her own. SD feels like BM doesn't deserve the title of mom because she doesn't act like one.

SD is very vocal with us about her feelings regarding BM lol, and we try to encourage her to talk to BM about her feelings (which are usually just disregarded). SD is pretty well adjusted given everything- she is in 7th grade, plays soccer, and is an honor roll student. Anyway, that is us. I can answer questions if you have any. :)
by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:42 AM
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by on May. 2, 2013 at 8:03 AM
by on May. 2, 2013 at 8:04 AM

Unfortunately you cant do a whole lot to control the BM and her running her mouth.  Obviously the woman has issues other wise she would have custody no your DH.     13 is a good age for these kids to start putting facts togethor.   As much as it hurts about the crap that comes out of this vindictive womans mouth.. still try not to let SD hear negative comments from you and your DH.  Your home is her safe place and she doesnt need to feel like she is in the middle.  Thats what BM is doing.  In the long run.. your SD will make her choices and respect you and dh over the bm for being respectful and not causing her additional stress.   By 16 she may not want to even stay overnight with the BM maybe a lunch or something but they start putting friends first and really shouldnt be forced to be alone with strange men.   Scary thought if it were my daughter.   I do background checks on everyone I brought around my kids but some woman just dont care.

by Audra on May. 2, 2013 at 8:20 AM

Wow some of this sounds so familiar. Probably to more women on here then you would think. It sounds as if you have a wonderful relationship with your SD and that's all you can hope for. You will get some great advice from the ladies on here and some harsh words also.. Just take it all with a grain of salt because at the end of the day it's between you , DH and SD.. 

Welcome to the group shake hand

by on May. 2, 2013 at 9:19 AM
Thank you all. We try not to even talk about BM unless SD brings her up. We aren't perfect, we have let our frustration and sometimes anger get the best of us but we try to pretend she doesn't exist and go on with our lives. SD is a very smart girl, she has seen through BM's lies for a while now. BM has lied to her, broken promises repeatedly. She doesn't like staying overnight now. BM can't or is unwilling to get her to her soccer games on time so she doesn't like to spend the night during soccer season. We haven't found out about the being alone with these men until afterwards. Saying anything to BM is pointless because she will go into the martyr mode and say "I guess I can't have someone in my life at all. It's unfair that BD can have SM but I can't have anyone".
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2013 at 11:36 AM

Can't fix ignorant. 

SD seems to be a very smart and outspoken child.  BM needs to listen to her if she wants a relationship with her.  SD seems to have her head on straight and that's good. 

by Ruby Member on May. 2, 2013 at 12:08 PM

Welcome to the group, bellasmom.

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