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communication question

Posted by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:40 PM
  • 25 Replies

   Just a question because I am not sure how to feel about it the more I think about it.

 Okay so DH and BM fight a lot via text and email about SS's clothes. There have been times when BM yelled at DH while she was supposed to be talking to SS and knew she was on speaker phone. There have been other times when she has told SS that he needs to make sure Daddy returns the clothes in his backpack or else, SS was incredibly upset that time and it only happened once. BM has raged at drop offs. But since court and her getting yelled at by lawyers, judges and social workers she has backed off because she was told she was wrong to put SS in the middle. So now she sticks to text and email which doesn't bother me because it doesn't concern me. And when she yells at me in texts I've learned to ignore it.

Anyways the issue is that BM only sends SS in the clothes on his back and then expects us to return him in the same clothes which works unless it's a school day because DH has expanded standard. So he picks up Thursday and drops off Friday at school. DH has told BM that he is not going to send SS to school in the same clothes two days in a row. or even Thursday and the following Monday. DH told BM she could send two outfits and both would be returned at the end of the visititation or she could just keep sending the one and we would keep washing it and sending it back two weeks later on his body. The other option being that we send him in clean clothes to school and her dirty clothes in the back pack and then replace the wardrobe every two months because she never returns clothes or sends extra clothes. She throws a fit about this every week in a threatening text or email normally and DH ignores it since the lawyers and social worker do not see an issue with the way he is handling it. Except today when DH went through SS's back pack to sign his daily folder and look at his report card etc ... DH also found a note from BM in SS's things addressed to DH saying that he needs to return all of her articles of clothing (for the record we currently have ONE shirt of hers in our house). She goes on to say that she extends the same courtesy to him and she included in the back pack one of the outfits we have sent him in (pajamas from pj day at school last week) and not even the entire outfit mind you. Anyways that's a side note. The real questiong I have is about the note. It wasn't in an envelope and SS can read... I initially felt like it was an inappropriate form of communciation because she has email and text so why put a note that your child can read in his backpack if you are just going to accuse his father of doing something wrong and say that you are doing something right when you technically aren't?

Is it putting SS in the middle? Is it an appropriate way to communicate when you have other options? DH said I need to relax and I thought about it and it's probably not that big a deal to most people, but I was a sk and I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't have appreciated reading a note like that or being the messege carrier. 

by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CodeBlue
by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:51 PM
2 moms liked this

Her note was not sent in the appropriate manner, but it's not the biggest deal in the world.  How old is SS? Would he actually read the note? Most boys shove stuff in their backpack and don't give it a second glance. And honestly, if he's old enough to read and get upset over the note, isn't he old enough to make sure he brings back his clothes from one house to the other? 

Otherwise, just send him in a clean outfit with the dirty one in his backpack (or with him).  If you don't get that outfit back the next time, just keep the next outfit she sends him in.  Send him back home in a clean outfit from your house, wash the other one...That way you won't run out of clothes, and if she says anything, gently remind her that she needs to send his clothes back too.  

narmac13
by on May. 2, 2013 at 7:55 PM

Thanks. You're right he's 6 and he probably didn't read it and it's not a big deal. I still feel like she should no better as the adult.

That is what we do with the clothes which is why legally no one has an issue with how it's handled. BM hates it though and makes sure DH and her lawyer know all about it on a regular basis.

Quoting CodeBlue:

Her note was not sent in the appropriate manner, but it's not the biggest deal in the world.  How old is SS? Would he actually read the note? Most boys shove stuff in their backpack and don't give it a second glance. And honestly, if he's old enough to read and get upset over the note, isn't he old enough to make sure he brings back his clothes from one house to the other? 

Otherwise, just send him in a clean outfit with the dirty one in his backpack (or with him).  If you don't get that outfit back the next time, just keep the next outfit she sends him in.  Send him back home in a clean outfit from your house, wash the other one...That way you won't run out of clothes, and if she says anything, gently remind her that she needs to send his clothes back too.  


PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2013 at 8:19 PM
I don't think sending notes in a child's bag is a big deal. IMO, I'd rather a note than a screaming telephone call or a text that I'm expected to respond to. A nonsense note can be easily chucked in the trash. If it was something major then a phone call would have been more appropriate, but over clothes? SMH.
Hopefully BM gets over the clothes issue soon. Sorry you have to deal with that.
amonkeymom
by Amy on May. 3, 2013 at 1:21 PM

Wow, yes, I think she is still putting SS in the middle, but she's also really petty and immature.  She really needs to grow up.

narmac13
by on May. 3, 2013 at 8:20 PM
So update on this post. DH sent BM an email asking her not to put ss in the middle an make him the messenger and her reply was that she didn't put him in the middle because she didn't tell him to tell his father. She said she refuses to accept responsibility or blame for those actions because she didn't do anything. She then accused DH of not "extending the same courtesy". I'm a little confused about that as she very obviously sent the note so we don't extend the same courtesy of putting him in the middle or of lying?
chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Idk. I would wash the clothes she sent and have ss change back when he goes back. Then there is no reason to complain.

With respect it the note: no need for a note if she has the clothes she seems to feel so strongly about.

Would I care about the reason she had a bug up her ass? Not really. My washing machine works. It's easy to do.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 4, 2013 at 9:35 PM
1 mom liked this

Don't feed into BM drama. SS clothes are his clothes, not yours, DH or BM. Buy a wardrobe for your house and don't stress over it.  Personal items should be able to go back and forth between the two houses.

mdenison
by Member on May. 4, 2013 at 10:12 PM
when i was growing up we always took the clothes from moms and changed as soon as we got to dads and wore them back to moms unless we asked permission which was usually denied, never thought of it as a problem even if it was the next day they were always washed and clean. With my SD now though i send her in play clothes or stuff that is starting to get to small because i know when she comes home her clothes will have hole and stains and mostly likely be three times to small ans i usually just change her and through them in the trash, small example being SD wears size 1 shoes last time she went to visit BM she came home in size 10 shoes and BM kept her new shoes that fit SD
mdenison
by Member on May. 4, 2013 at 10:18 PM

Quoting mdenison:

when i was growing up we always took the clothes from moms and changed as soon as we got to dads and wore them back to moms unless we asked permission which was usually denied, never thought of it as a problem even if it was the next day they were always washed and clean. With my SD now though i send her in play clothes or stuff that is starting to get to small because i know when she comes home her clothes will have hole and stains and mostly likely be three times to small ans i usually just change her and through them in the trash, small example being SD wears size 1 shoes last time she went to visit BM she came home in size 10 shoes and BM kept her new shoes that fit SD

sorry for for the spelling errors my tablet cannot predict what i want to say very well, lol. If i was you just ignore her and try your best to send most of ss clothes back, i wouldn't stress about it too much there just clothes and there kids they grow out of stuff constantly anyways. Or if you wanted to be mean just keep it all until SS grows up a size then send it all back lol jk
narmac13
by on May. 5, 2013 at 8:27 AM
DH and I agree. SS has always had Bosnian wardrobe and when she wasn't sending clothes back to us we decided to go to garage sales and thrift stores and we bought him a whole basket of clothes that we don't mind if we never see again but are still completely decent for school. DH didn't pitch a fit about it. The issue is BM sees them as her clothes and hates it when they aren't returned immediately she says she has to constantly replace his clothes which isn't true since she has so many outfits that we bought and only one of the outfits she bought is ever at our house at a time.

Quoting Anonymous:

Don't feed into BM drama. SS clothes are his clothes, not yours, DH or BM. Buy a wardrobe for your house and don't stress over it.  Personal items should be able to go back and forth between the two houses.

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