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CSM with bio-children of their own

Posted by on May. 3, 2013 at 5:08 PM
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When your SKid/kids go off with BM and come home with stuff, do you feel the need to go out and get things for your bio-kids to make it "fair"?

SD often comes home with stuff from visits with BM, or stories of the things BM does with her (Build-a-Bear workshop, movies, ice cream treats, fast food, etc). My bio-kids have never made a big deal out of it, if they have a problem with it, I just say, "SD must have had a really great time with her mom, huh? It's nice to be able to spend time with the people we love isn't it?"

The only time any of the kids have ever complained was when DS started school and realized that his school had SD's grade in it. He was SO excited because he thought that meant sister could just go to his school and stay at his house forever (this was when BM had custody). We had to explain to DS that it didn't mean sister could stay forever and go to school with him.

Also, it seems unfair to SD for me to go out and get the other kids something and leave her out. It's not like her BM is taking all 4 kids (SD and my 3 bios) and only getting SD something while they sit back and watch.

I've always thought that fair means everyone gets what they need, not everyone gets the same thing. 

by on May. 3, 2013 at 5:08 PM
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amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 3, 2013 at 5:22 PM
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Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

When your SKid/kids go off with BM and come home with stuff, do you feel the need to go out and get things for your bio-kids to make it "fair"?

SD often comes home with stuff from visits with BM, or stories of the things BM does with her (Build-a-Bear workshop, movies, ice cream treats, fast food, etc). My bio-kids have never made a big deal out of it, if they have a problem with it, I just say, "SD must have had a really great time with her mom, huh? It's nice to be able to spend time with the people we love isn't it?"

The only time any of the kids have ever complained was when DS started school and realized that his school had SD's grade in it. He was SO excited because he thought that meant sister could just go to his school and stay at his house forever (this was when BM had custody). We had to explain to DS that it didn't mean sister could stay forever and go to school with him.

Also, it seems unfair to SD for me to go out and get the other kids something and leave her out. It's not like her BM is taking all 4 kids (SD and my 3 bios) and only getting SD something while they sit back and watch.

I've always thought that fair means everyone gets what they need, not everyone gets the same thing. 


This right here is what I strive to teach my kids...

ramita
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2013 at 5:30 PM
When we are altogether yes each kid gets something if one gets it, with the exception of birthdays. Now if only one or two kids is with us just that one or two gets something. As far as them getting stuff at their other family's home, that is there's and the others do not get anything. Big items stay at there other family's houses so that there isn't a real jealousy problem.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 3, 2013 at 5:33 PM

SD has nothing at BM's house, but keeps some toys at BM's mom's house for visits. Generally anything BM gets SD comes home at the end of a visit.

I've never felt the need to run out and get the other kids something just because SD brings something home from BM. 

Quoting ramita:

When we are altogether yes each kid gets something if one gets it, with the exception of birthdays. Now if only one or two kids is with us just that one or two gets something. As far as them getting stuff at their other family's home, that is there's and the others do not get anything. Big items stay at there other family's houses so that there isn't a real jealousy problem.



whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 3, 2013 at 5:37 PM


No. My kids dont' mind. They know their stepsiblings have a different mother. 

There is only one time that comes to mind where this was an issue. We were planning a long car trip, and BM offered to lend her DVD player for the car ride. She said that she was lending it on the condition that only her kids touch it. We declined, and said thanks but no thanks, because we didn't think that was fair to the other kids. 

Other than that - no. It hasn't been a problem.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

When your SKid/kids go off with BM and come home with stuff, do you feel the need to go out and get things for your bio-kids to make it "fair"?

chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 3, 2013 at 5:43 PM
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No. I don't. And I don't know if I count. We have ss 50/50.

But I also don't even it up in the other direction. My ex and I save and spend our money wisely. Last christmas, Ex and I bought dd a nook together.

My husband has his own money. He decides how it gets spent. So, if ss doesnt get a nook. he needs to talk to his parents. If they can't agree, not my problem.

If dh wants to buy expensive dress shirts or give sd (who is in college) money... Woo HOO! Good for him. Those are his decisions.

It isn't my job to fix dh's finances. He is a big boy. I love him, but I'm not a sugar momma. My kids are my priority and I believe his kids should be his. If he wants to buy candy and pizza..... Go have fun!! I would rather save and buy dd a nook.
Tillymommie
by Silver Member on May. 3, 2013 at 6:05 PM

We have had some issues. Mainly because BM is supervised visits. She will randomly buy SS new shoes, or toys. The issue is the DS will want new shoes as well. They are both 3. I have to remind DS he has other shoes at his BDs. So then DS will ask why SS's shoes aren't at Bm's.

I am sure it will change when they get older and easier to explain. We don't buy one extra stuff though. We get them what they need and thats what is important.

Tpayne2011
by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:20 PM
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If Bm gives sd something she has to enjoy it with her mom, she can't bring it home. My kids did have a problem with understanding why they couldn't eat the cake sd came home with or why sd only had one cookie. So to prevent the headache we just told her she can enjoy it when she is having special time with her Bm.
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2013 at 12:09 AM
No I don't go out and buy things for the ds's because SD got something or did something at bm's. Ds1 is too young to understand. Ds4 knows SD has a different mommy and she does things at her mommy's house, has a room and stuff there. Yes SD has 2 days, 2 of every holiday, gets an abundance of things but I look at it like this. She has more people to love her and care for her. She has to go back and forth. My boys do not.
At our house, if one gets a toy or whatever, they all get something. Or whomever is with me. If SD is at bm's then no I don't generally buy her a toy. But when she is with us, she gets the same treatment the boys do.

If someone NEEDS something like clothes or whatever, than the one who needs it gets it. One may outgrow their stuff before the other one. Ds4 is playing tball. So he got a bat, balls, glove, bag etc. No one else got that stuff. No one else is playing ball.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on May. 5, 2013 at 8:21 AM
No. At least not intentionally. The kids get it.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2013 at 9:24 AM

I don't have bios but I think that if I did, I would not feel the need to compensate for things that happened or were purchased while my SDs were visiting their Mom.  

On the other hand, I think my DH would be less willing to do special things with our bios when the SDs were gone.  

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