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SM taking a "big" vacation alone? Fair to the skids? Selfish?

Posted by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:03 PM
  • 67 Replies

I haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon and I haven't been on even an overnight away since last April other than a week I took to go take care of my mom after a hospitalization.

DH and the kids have gone on a few vacays with his family over the years and the kids have gotten to do some fun trips with their grandparents.  DH has also been flying home on the weekends to see the kids since we moved in the fall.   I have paid for all of these trips and stayed home to work.

My brother and SIL are currently stationed in Germany. I would like to visit them there and the clock is ticking before their next deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan and then they'll PCS back to the US.

Because DH is flying internationally a lot for work lately and gets to "keep" the frequent flyer miles for personal use, it is very likely that he'll have sufficient miles for me to buy A ticket to Germany.  Therefore, my costs for a trip like this would be pretty minimal.  No hotel expense, no flight expense, just whatever I would spend doing a little traveling with my brother and SIL.  There's no way I could afford it otherwise.

DH is on board with this and identified a week in August when the kids will go visit BM so I will only need to worry about making accommodations for our pets as he'll be out of the country for work. I would really like to go.

DH mentioned this possible trip to his family and the kids today while visiting and I've now gotten email from his mother and BM saying that they think this is unfair and that the kids want to go. (my, word travels fast!)  Vacations are for FAMILY they say. We HAD talked about taking the kids if we could afford it, but we can't. 

Is this truly unfair to the kids?  Is it selfish?  I just want to see my brother and have a little break.  <shrugs>  

by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2013 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this
You did enough fot these kids!
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by Gold Member on May. 4, 2013 at 5:14 PM
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I'd say where was FAMILY when the kids and DH have been on vacation and I've been at home working to pay for it?

Also, if they want the kids to go, they can pay for it and take you can't afford it and shouldn't have to.
by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:18 PM
3 moms liked this
Sometimes parents need a parent only vacay whether it's bio kids or skids!
by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:29 PM
4 moms liked this

Bm's opinion on your vacation, along with your nosy mil, should mean jack to you. Period. 

I honestly don't know how or why you do it...I would have left all of them years ago. They are way too enmeshed and I really believe the whole family dynamic is not healthy.  Bm and mil have some pretty big balls to say its unfair...and who cares what the kids want?! It's your vacation! YOURS. Let bm and mil take them somewhere if they want them to have another vacation. You are allowed to do something for yourself as a grown ass woman without having to feel obligated to bm, mil, and your skids. 

by Ruby Member on May. 4, 2013 at 5:31 PM
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You are going to spend time with YOUR family. It's got nothing to do with the skids. There's nothing wrong with what you want. You're allowed to have some down time for you.

by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Since it's you visiting your brother and it has no impact on the skids, and DH is totally fine with it, there is absolutely no reason you should skip it. Go, and enjoy it. I wish I had some kind of, any kind of, opportunity for a vacation!
by on May. 4, 2013 at 5:38 PM

FWIW, I really don't care what they think--if I can get the time off, can use miles to buy the ticket, and my brother will be availalbe, I will go.  Full stop.  This is a trip I've wanted to take ever since they moved 2 years ago, but it hasn't been on the radar at all in any kind of realistic sense til this week.

I just thought it would make for an interesting discussion about fairness. We've covered splitting trips with bios vs steps who visit EOWE but this is a bit of a spin.  

I would be happy to be taking the kids if we could afford it though I know it would greatly affect the types of activies we would/could do.  They really enjoyed going to England a few years ago and I'm sure they'd enjoy Germany as well. Plus, I'd love to take them and DH to the area where I used to live in Italy, take them to Poland to get some pottery, do another white water rafting trip in Austria, ski on a glacier in the middle of summer, etc.  Lots I'd LIKE to do with them, but not financially feasible at this time.

I just don't see where the "fairness" comes into play to be honest.  I was not particularly surprised to receive those messages, but I'm still gobsmacked at the idea that me visiting my family alone is somehow unfair.  

Granted, who wouldn't want to go to Germany/Europe?  But I doubt the kids are at the root of this at all.  If I really thought it would be "hurtful" to them, I'd reconsider. I just doubt this is coming from the kids at all.

by on May. 4, 2013 at 7:07 PM

No it is not unfair. Heck, I told DH the other day that one weekend this summer when we would take the kids to go visit his dad, that he is taking them alone. I need a weekend to just me. No I'm not going out of town (if I could I would head to Florida for the weekend), but still time to me. I need the break. 

You need the break too. You need some time where you can just let go and NOT have the responsibilities you normally deal with whether the step kids are there or not. Go have fun, and if MIL and BM try to give you a hard time, tell them to deal. 

by Anonymous on May. 4, 2013 at 7:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Talk about an emotional guilt trip. Ignore it and go . Have fun and enjoy yourself.

by Silver Member on May. 4, 2013 at 7:49 PM
Not unfair at all.
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