My question is how responsible should the typical almost 11 year old be? I need some opinions. At 11, I was way moreesponsible. Though things were different back then, that is really the only thing I have to compare to.
Should she be able to sweep a floor efficiently? Shouldn't she know not to throw sand at a 1 year old and 4 year old, especially in the face and after being told not to?
Her behavior reminds me some of ds4. Although she acts like she has no common sense at times. Dh told her to put soda and juices in fridge. I said just two of each is OK. She brings 3. I said how many did I say? She said two. That wasn't a huge deal just using it as an example. One of us will say something and then she does the opposite. But when asked can repeat what was said.
The thing that really is bothering me the most is there was an incident earlier this evening. In the past she has been mean to both boys and hurt them. Ex:smashed face in table, crushed ds1 fingers in door repeatedly, hit ds4 with a bat. Her reasoning was always because i wanted to or they were bothering me. She hasnt done anythinf in the past few months so i have let my guard down a bit. Earlier she was pulling both boys in the wagon. She and ds4 had just got reprimanded for throwing sand at each other. They were on the paved drive next door. Ds4 put his hand down beside the wagon and she jerked it forward, running over his hand. He comes screaming, screamed for an hour. She never even stopped. She just kept going, like it didnt happen. Didnt say sorry. Didnt ask was he ok. Didnt say oh it was an accident. Meanwhile, it took a few layers of skin the length of one finger. It looked bad and brought tears to my eyes when i cleaned it.
I told dh that although it may have been an accident, she jerked that wagon pretty hard. It ran over 4 fingers. They are not broken, just bruised and one is skinned up. He agreed but said nothing to her. So i did. That is not ok. I told her that it may have been an accident but she saw his hand there and she needed to be more careful. That she should have stopped until he out his hand back up. She just looked at me and said ok. Generally when she is innocent, she runs to say what happened and she didnt mean to and she is sorry. Will look to see if they are ok. But nothing. No reaction.
So i dont understand if maybe i expected too much to let her pull them in the wagon and her be careful? Is she irresponsible, oblivious, being mean, or just doesnt care? I am trying harder, while disengaging some, to realize the difference between normal 11 year old behavuor and being a brat.
So after going to sd's therapy today, I felt I needed to update this post. I brought up the incident with ds4 and the wagon. SD explained her side by saying that she told ss to put his hand back in the wagon and he didn't so she just ran over it. So I guess I was right there.
Therapist asked bm did she show remorse or empathy when her brother over there was hurt. She said no but she did not give her the chance to be mean to him. And also when they were playing she made sure they had their own toys. She said like if one has a scooter the other has a scooter. And she said she wouldn't have one wagon because they would fight. So I said,"basicly they don't have to share, ever?" She said no they just fight. So this explains why SD feels it is OK to play with my boys stuff but thinks no one should touch her stuff.
As therapy wore on, I was told by therapist that we needed a plan to have somewhere for SD to go when the new baby was born. I told her that since my csection was scheduled the week she goes to bm's for her first summer visit there, she would be leaving when the baby and I came home. I have developed problems and she says we need a plan in case the baby came early.
Then the kicker was toward the end of the hour. SD became very loud and obnoxious. She proceeded to roll around on the couch. She slid to the floor. She rolled on the floor. I asked did she take her medication today. Therapist said she thought SD was giving us a "show" for attention. Then SD proceeds to lift her shirt to show off her new jeans. She turns and sticks her butt out in the therapists face and rubs it saying,"my butt is wet!" Then this turns into,"oh I gotta peeeee! I gotta peeeeee!" I just could not believe she, a not quite 11 year old, behaved that way and that her mom said nothing. She laughed! It wasn't funny, nor was it cute. I wanted to say something but I didn't because I felt, as just the sm, I would be overstepping. I just left. Dh asked how it went. I gave him all these details and a few more. He was appalled at the whole session and more so that his daughter behaved that way and that her bm said nothing.