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almost 11 year old **UPDATE***

Posted by on May. 4, 2013 at 11:54 PM
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2 moms liked this
SD will be almost 11 in a few weeks. She has some pretty rough behavior issues that I have posted about.

My question is how responsible should the typical almost 11 year old be? I need some opinions. At 11, I was way moreesponsible. Though things were different back then, that is really the only thing I have to compare to.

Should she be able to sweep a floor efficiently? Shouldn't she know not to throw sand at a 1 year old and 4 year old, especially in the face and after being told not to?

Her behavior reminds me some of ds4. Although she acts like she has no common sense at times. Dh told her to put soda and juices in fridge. I said just two of each is OK. She brings 3. I said how many did I say? She said two. That wasn't a huge deal just using it as an example. One of us will say something and then she does the opposite. But when asked can repeat what was said.

The thing that really is bothering me the most is there was an incident earlier this evening. In the past she has been mean to both boys and hurt them. Ex:smashed face in table, crushed ds1 fingers in door repeatedly, hit ds4 with a bat. Her reasoning was always because i wanted to or they were bothering me. She hasnt done anythinf in the past few months so i have let my guard down a bit. Earlier she was pulling both boys in the wagon. She and ds4 had just got reprimanded for throwing sand at each other. They were on the paved drive next door. Ds4 put his hand down beside the wagon and she jerked it forward, running over his hand. He comes screaming, screamed for an hour. She never even stopped. She just kept going, like it didnt happen. Didnt say sorry. Didnt ask was he ok. Didnt say oh it was an accident. Meanwhile, it took a few layers of skin the length of one finger. It looked bad and brought tears to my eyes when i cleaned it.

I told dh that although it may have been an accident, she jerked that wagon pretty hard. It ran over 4 fingers. They are not broken, just bruised and one is skinned up. He agreed but said nothing to her. So i did. That is not ok. I told her that it may have been an accident but she saw his hand there and she needed to be more careful. That she should have stopped until he out his hand back up. She just looked at me and said ok. Generally when she is innocent, she runs to say what happened and she didnt mean to and she is sorry. Will look to see if they are ok. But nothing. No reaction.

So i dont understand if maybe i expected too much to let her pull them in the wagon and her be careful? Is she irresponsible, oblivious, being mean, or just doesnt care? I am trying harder, while disengaging some, to realize the difference between normal 11 year old behavuor and being a brat.

UPDATE

So after going to sd's therapy today, I felt I needed to update this post. I brought up the incident with ds4 and the wagon. SD explained her side by saying that she told ss to put his hand back in the wagon and he didn't so she just ran over it. So I guess I was right there.

Therapist asked bm did she show remorse or empathy when her brother over there was hurt. She said no but she did not give her the chance to be mean to him. And also when they were playing she made sure they had their own toys. She said like if one has a scooter the other has a scooter. And she said she wouldn't have one wagon because they would fight. So I said,"basicly they don't have to share, ever?" She said no they just fight. So this explains why SD feels it is OK to play with my boys stuff but thinks no one should touch her stuff.

As therapy wore on, I was told by therapist that we needed a plan to have somewhere for SD to go when the new baby was born. I told her that since my csection was scheduled the week she goes to bm's for her first summer visit there, she would be leaving when the baby and I came home. I have developed problems and she says we need a plan in case the baby came early.

Then the kicker was toward the end of the hour. SD became very loud and obnoxious. She proceeded to roll around on the couch. She slid to the floor. She rolled on the floor. I asked did she take her medication today. Therapist said she thought SD was giving us a "show" for attention. Then SD proceeds to lift her shirt to show off her new jeans. She turns and sticks her butt out in the therapists face and rubs it saying,"my butt is wet!" Then this turns into,"oh I gotta peeeee! I gotta peeeeee!" I just could not believe she, a not quite 11 year old, behaved that way and that her mom said nothing. She laughed! It wasn't funny, nor was it cute. I wanted to say something but I didn't because I felt, as just the sm, I would be overstepping. I just left. Dh asked how it went. I gave him all these details and a few more. He was appalled at the whole session and more so that his daughter behaved that way and that her bm said nothing.
by on May. 4, 2013 at 11:54 PM
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 12:58 AM
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I don't think she sounds like a typical 11 year old. Not in my experience with my daughter. Now my daughter can be down right mean to her little brother but she has never physically hurt him. She hurts him verbally by telling him to get out of her room and locking him out of her room. Not a big deal as that is her room. Sounds like your sd doesn't have any empathy. Or doesn't have it for her younger siblings.

These are some things my daughter can do who is right at 12 so she just finished the year of being 11. She can bathe herself, fix her hair, pick her own clothes, put groceries away, make her own soup/sandwich, bake cookies, sweep, mop with some guidance, put clothes away, take the trash out, load and unload the dishwasher, clean her room and make her bed, dip her own ice cream, she can follow instructions though sometimes she needs a reminder and she likes to make a list so she doesn't forget. I'm sure there are some things I've missed. She is pretty responsible. Lately she has been slacking on turning in homework and letting me know when I need to sign something. But I've upped my efforts of being on top of that. Again lists help. She makes a list the night before of things she needs to do at school the next day. She is forgetful though. Like any kid. She forgets her retainer case constantly. Retainer in mouth but forgets the case at home. She forgets her house key if it's moved out of her bag. I have to make sure that she flosses although the last two weeks she says she has already done it even when I ask.

She has a big heart and can't be mean to anyone except me, dh and Ds. She can be extremely rude and roll her eyes but would never dream of treating an 'outsider' that way.

Hope that gives you an idea of what I think normal is. I think dd is immature for her age socially. She is not street smart. Thank goodness. But she is pretty responsible and helps around the house with little to no pushing from me.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 1:03 AM
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As far as the wagon thing: my dd started pulling Ds in a wagon when she was about 8 and he was about 1 1/2. I had to teach her how to pull him. Don't go too fast around corners. Pay attention to make sure he doesn't lean over the side. The thing about smashing fingers goes back to empathy. She can't stand the site of blood or things being smushed so even her worst enemy she could never take part on smashing their fingers without cringing and crying herself. Everything my daughter does she has been taught by me. I have never expected her to do anything that I have not physically taught her how to do. I even taught her how to clean her room. Lots of parents will just tell their kids to go clean their room and then get frustrated when it's not done or it isn't done to their standards. I had to actually teach her what clean her room means by pointing to things, where does that go? What do you do with that? Where does this go? This doesn't belong here. And after years of coaching I believe I've been successful in that department. All things must be taught. In my opinion of course.
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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2013 at 1:10 AM
Oh SD can't/doesn't do some of those. She can bathe but her hair is not really clean. She has to be told to brush her teeth, everytime. We usually clean the kitchen together in the evening. She has to be told to clear dishes, sweep floor etc. Otherwise she just stands there and stares. Cooking? Heavens no! She gets offended if told to make her own pb and j. She has the same chores daily but always has to be told to do them. Like putting away dishes, changing trash in bathrooms. I don't let her put clothes away because she puts them in the wrong places on purpose. She does that with the dishes now too. It is like she does things wrong on purpose.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't think she sounds like a typical 11 year old. Not in my experience with my daughter. Now my daughter can be down right mean to her little brother but she has never physically hurt him. She hurts him verbally by telling him to get out of her room and locking him out of her room. Not a big deal as that is her room. Sounds like your sd doesn't have any empathy. Or doesn't have it for her younger siblings.



These are some things my daughter can do who is right at 12 so she just finished the year of being 11. She can bathe herself, fix her hair, pick her own clothes, put groceries away, make her own soup/sandwich, bake cookies, sweep, mop with some guidance, put clothes away, take the trash out, load and unload the dishwasher, clean her room and make her bed, dip her own ice cream, she can follow instructions though sometimes she needs a reminder and she likes to make a list so she doesn't forget. I'm sure there are some things I've missed. She is pretty responsible. Lately she has been slacking on turning in homework and letting me know when I need to sign something. But I've upped my efforts of being on top of that. Again lists help. She makes a list the night before of things she needs to do at school the next day. She is forgetful though. Like any kid. She forgets her retainer case constantly. Retainer in mouth but forgets the case at home. She forgets her house key if it's moved out of her bag. I have to make sure that she flosses although the last two weeks she says she has already done it even when I ask.



She has a big heart and can't be mean to anyone except me, dh and Ds. She can be extremely rude and roll her eyes but would never dream of treating an 'outsider' that way.



Hope that gives you an idea of what I think normal is. I think dd is immature for her age socially. She is not street smart. Thank goodness. But she is pretty responsible and helps around the house with little to no pushing from me.

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2013 at 1:13 AM
I agree. It is not the first time she has pulled them around. She was told by Dh to be careful, not go too fast and watch their hands.

Kids do have to be taught. And I know she has been taught about pulling them around.

It was her reaction that made me feel like it was intentional. She didn't even stop or look. She stared straight ahead. He fell getting out. She kept pulling ds1. Through all the screaming. Never even looked up.


Quoting momof2ex1:

As far as the wagon thing: my dd started pulling Ds in a wagon when she was about 8 and he was about 1 1/2. I had to teach her how to pull him. Don't go too fast around corners. Pay attention to make sure he doesn't lean over the side. The thing about smashing fingers goes back to empathy. She can't stand the site of blood or things being smushed so even her worst enemy she could never take part on smashing their fingers without cringing and crying herself. Everything my daughter does she has been taught by me. I have never expected her to do anything that I have not physically taught her how to do. I even taught her how to clean her room. Lots of parents will just tell their kids to go clean their room and then get frustrated when it's not done or it isn't done to their standards. I had to actually teach her what clean her room means by pointing to things, where does that go? What do you do with that? Where does this go? This doesn't belong here. And after years of coaching I believe I've been successful in that department. All things must be taught. In my opinion of course.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on May. 5, 2013 at 1:43 AM
1 mom liked this
Bump for later. I have kids that age. But like mom of ex said the empathy part gets to me
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kmur
by Bronze Member on May. 5, 2013 at 2:38 AM

BUMP!

chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 5, 2013 at 6:13 AM

Was she abused or neglected? Because this behavior IS typical of my ss.  But he was abused and neglected to the extent he has reactive attachment disorder.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 5, 2013 at 7:30 AM

All of this is very normal. 

I don't know about the running-over-hand thing, which sounds less normal. But everything you wrote here is normal.

In fact what I highlighted in red made me laugh because 2 of my 4 kids did the exact same thing. In fact my SD14 does this even now, it's laziness. But in reality, it doesn't really matter which drawers the clothes go into as long as she knows where they are. It's something you just have to let go of.

Quoting LittleMama2012:

Oh SD can't/doesn't do some of those. She can bathe but her hair is not really clean. She has to be told to brush her teeth, everytime. We usually clean the kitchen together in the evening. She has to be told to clear dishes, sweep floor etc. Otherwise she just stands there and stares. Cooking? Heavens no! She gets offended if told to make her own pb and j. She has the same chores daily but always has to be told to do them. Like putting away dishes, changing trash in bathrooms. I don't let her put clothes away because she puts them in the wrong places on purpose. She does that with the dishes now too. It is like she does things wrong on purpose. 
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2013 at 8:20 AM
No she was coddled and spoiled. She stayed with a different grandma every weekend from birth to 5, when Dh took bm to court. No one really ever told her no. Everything she did was always "cute" or "precious". Such as spitting in the floor in someone's home.


Quoting chanizen:

Was she abused or neglected? Because this behavior IS typical of my ss.  But he was abused and neglected to the extent he has reactive attachment disorder.


LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2013 at 8:20 AM
Thanks.


Quoting whatIknownow:

All of this is very normal. 

I don't know about the running-over-hand thing, which sounds less normal. But everything you wrote here is normal.

In fact what I highlighted in red made me laugh because 2 of my 4 kids did the exact same thing. In fact my SD14 does this even now, it's laziness. But in reality, it doesn't really matter which drawers the clothes go into as long as she knows where they are. It's something you just have to let go of.


Quoting LittleMama2012:

Oh SD can't/doesn't do some of those. She can bathe but her hair is not really clean. She has to be told to brush her teeth, everytime. We usually clean the kitchen together in the evening. She has to be told to clear dishes, sweep floor etc. Otherwise she just stands there and stares. Cooking? Heavens no! She gets offended if told to make her own pb and j. She has the same chores daily but always has to be told to do them. Like putting away dishes, changing trash in bathrooms. I don't let her put clothes away because she puts them in the wrong places on purpose. She does that with the dishes now too. It is like she does things wrong on purpose. 

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