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Should I reach out?

Posted by on May. 5, 2013 at 4:59 PM
  • 39 Replies

So, for whatever reason, I feel like reaching out to BM and trying to get me and her on speaking terms. I have written her a letter, and want to know what you guys think. Should I give it to her? Should I not? Read it and let me know...

Background** Been with SO for almost 7 years. They share joint custody. BM is very  "follow my rules". Any other questions, ask. When we were in court I cried and she took a picture of me and put it on instagram, hence the ending. I want to make it so she knows I want to be cordial, but I am not kissing her ass.


Dear Jasimine,

I am writing you this letter because we have never gotten a chance to speak to one another, and for whatever reason you have never liked me. I don’t expect you to ever like me, but maybe we can get on good enough terms to do what’s best for Jahmiyra. As you know, I have been around for almost 7 years, and I don’t plan on going anywhere soon. I do what I can to do what’s best for Jahmiyra, and make good decisions for her to teach her valuable life lessons. I don’t want to be her Mom, she has you for that. But I want to be a role model and I am a part of her life. The more people she has in her life that love her, the better off she’ll be. I understand that you get frustrated with me, and I don’t know what it’s like to be a Mom, but I do know what it’s like to be a StepMom, and it’s not all candy and flowers. It’s not up to me to make life decisions for her, that’s up to you and Martinez. But I do make daily decisions for her while she’s here. I am the woman in the household so naturally I do a lot for Jahmiyra like get her ready for school and keep track of her paperwork from school. Instead of all the “don’t do this” “don’t say that”, why don’t we all try to talk like adults and come to an agreement. I’m sure you have my cell phone number, you are more than welcome to use it anytime if you need something or want to talk to Jahmiyra while Martinez is at work. I understand the situation we are all in is not ideal, but there is nothing we can do but make the most of it and do what’s best for Jahmiyra. Imagine how much easier it would be on her if you and I were on speaking terms. I understand you don’t have to even acknowledge me. But when Jahmiyra is here I am a big part of her life, and if I was able to speak to you, I think the transition from house to house would go a lot smoother, being we are the women. You want us to follow your rules while Jahmiyra is at our house, and the realization, especially the way things are today, is that it’s not going to happen. However, maybe if we were more involved with each others households, maybe that would be more of a possibility. You have issues with the things that happen over here (hair, etc) and we have issues with things that go on over there. Martinez is a man, he isn’t going to talk to you about Jahmiyra’s hair or the boy she likes at school. But I would, you’ve just never given me the chance. We will most likely never be friends, and there’s absolutely no reason in the world we need to be. But I am more than capable of putting aside the things I dislike about you to do what’s best for Jahmiyra, no matter what’s going on outside of that. Would you rather have a woman that doesn’t say anything to you and does whatever with no disregard for you? Or would you rather know what’s going on and be constantly involved? The choice is yours.  I am trying to be the bigger person here in the best interest of Jahmiyra. This is the situation we are all in. We can either continue to bitch about it, or we can make the most of it and all do what’s best for Jahmiyra. She’s only getting older and more things will be happening in her life. The more communication the better. Think about it. I have plenty of issues with you, but that will never stop me from doing what’s best for her. Do what you want with this letter...throw it in the trash and pretend you never saw it for all I care, or put it on instagram. I’m not going to kiss up to you, because I can continue on with my life the way it is. I just thought maybe Jahmiyra would like it if she wasn’t always being pulled in 2 different directions. Let me know what you think.

by on May. 5, 2013 at 4:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Gold Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:03 PM

I'm going to break up your letter into paragraphs so more people might be able to read it.  It's very difficult to read in a block format.



Quote:

Dear Jasimine,

I am writing you this letter because we have never gotten a chance to speak to one another, and for whatever reason you have never liked me. I don’t expect you to ever like me, but maybe we can get on good enough terms to do what’s best for Jahmiyra.

As you know, I have been around for almost 7 years, and I don’t plan on going anywhere soon. I do what I can to do what’s best for Jahmiyra, and make good decisions for her to teach her valuable life lessons. I don’t want to be her Mom, she has you for that. But I want to be a role model and I am a part of her life.

The more people she has in her life that love her, the better off she’ll be. I understand that you get frustrated with me, and I don’t know what it’s like to be a Mom, but I do know what it’s like to be a StepMom, and it’s not all candy and flowers.

It’s not up to me to make life decisions for her, that’s up to you and Martinez. But I do make daily decisions for her while she’s here. I am the woman in the household so naturally I do a lot for Jahmiyra like get her ready for school and keep track of her paperwork from school. Instead of all the “don’t do this” “don’t say that”, why don’t we all try to talk like adults and come to an agreement.

I’m sure you have my cell phone number, you are more than welcome to use it anytime if you need something or want to talk to Jahmiyra while Martinez is at work. I understand the situation we are all in is not ideal, but there is nothing we can do but make the most of it and do what’s best for Jahmiyra.

Imagine how much easier it would be on her if you and I were on speaking terms. I understand you don’t have to even acknowledge me. But when Jahmiyra is here I am a big part of her life, and if I was able to speak to you, I think the transition from house to house would go a lot smoother, being we are the women.

You want us to follow your rules while Jahmiyra is at our house, and the realization, especially the way things are today, is that it’s not going to happen. However, maybe if we were more involved with each others households, maybe that would be more of a possibility.

You have issues with the things that happen over here (hair, etc) and we have issues with things that go on over there. Martinez is a man, he isn’t going to talk to you about Jahmiyra’s hair or the boy she likes at school. But I would, you’ve just never given me the chance.

We will most likely never be friends, and there’s absolutely no reason in the world we need to be. But I am more than capable of putting aside the things I dislike about you to do what’s best for Jahmiyra, no matter what’s going on outside of that.

Would you rather have a woman that doesn’t say anything to you and does whatever with no disregard for you? Or would you rather know what’s going on and be constantly involved? The choice is yours. 

I am trying to be the bigger person here in the best interest of Jahmiyra. This is the situation we are all in. We can either continue to bitch about it, or we can make the most of it and all do what’s best for Jahmiyra. She’s only getting older and more things will be happening in her life. The more communication the better. Think about it.

I have plenty of issues with you, but that will never stop me from doing what’s best for her. Do what you want with this letter...throw it in the trash and pretend you never saw it for all I care, or put it on instagram. I’m not going to kiss up to you, because I can continue on with my life the way it is. I just thought maybe Jahmiyra would like it if she wasn’t always being pulled in 2 different directions. Let me know what you think.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:04 PM
3 moms liked this
You have good intentions but I would hit the delete button. You are letting her know that you are here to stay, you are the woman of the house etc etc. I'm sure she knows all of that. I don't think the letter will improve your friendship. If anything, it will annoy her more and cause more tension. It is also a very long letter so if you must send it, I would condense it a bit.
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Birdseed
by Gold Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:05 PM
3 moms liked this

FWIW, I would not send that.  Not ever.  It's way too full of accusatory and inflammatory stuff. That's not you extending an olive branch, that's you trying to make YOUR point and you're doing so in a way that I think most people would be offended and BM will for SURE get pissed about.

It's not a nice letter.  You're not saying what you want to do to make the situation better.  It's full of negativity. I wouldn't send that unless I had a gun held to my head and if I recieved it?  I'd laugh and try to remove SM from the situation the best I could. It's NOT a peaceful olive branch email at all. 


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:08 PM
That letter is way to long. I would try to keep it to about 5 sentences.
babyjen314
by on May. 5, 2013 at 5:08 PM

How could I make it a more extending a hand letter? Or should I just scrap the idea? I don't want it to be mean, I want her to know that I just want to be able to communicate with her cuz it would make things so much easier. But I don't want to kiss her ass. I want it to be cordial. Could you give examples? Or should I not even try?

Quoting Birdseed:

FWIW, I would not send that.  Not ever.  It's way too full of accusatory and inflammatory stuff. That's not you extending an olive branch, that's you trying to make YOUR point and you're doing so in a way that I think most people would be offended and BM will for SURE get pissed about.

It's not a nice letter.  You're not saying what you want to do to make the situation better.  It's full of negativity. I wouldn't send that unless I had a gun held to my head and if I recieved it?  I'd laugh and try to remove SM from the situation the best I could. It's NOT a peaceful olive branch email at all. 


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:10 PM
1 mom liked this
My ex uses the 'the choice is yours' followed by an ultimatum of how horrible one decision is over the other and what consequences I will have - that doesn't normally sit will with me and it doesn't bully me in to doing what he wants me to do.

My ex and I have been divorced for 7 years. He has been with SM for almost 7 years. We do not speak. We have no reason to. We don't need to run our houses identical to each other. In fact we are very opposite and that's ok. Kids adjust. I don't care that he may not like things that I do. It concerns me zilch. And I am certain he doesn't care what I think about his home. I would stop letting it bother you that she doesn't acknowledge you. I wouldn't worry about what she thinks. If you want to disregard her feelings you will do it anyway. Either you care how she feels about her child or not and her being friendly or civil to you doesn't matter. That's like saying 'if you don't do what I say I'm not gonna be your best friend'. That's first grade right there. You either care or you don't.
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babyjen314
by on May. 5, 2013 at 5:11 PM

What about this??


Dear Jasimine,

I am writing you this letter because we have never gotten a chance to speak to one another, and for whatever reason you have never liked me. I don’t expect you to ever like me, but maybe we can get on good enough terms to do what’s best for Jahmiyra. This is my way of saying let’s be cordial. I’m sure you have my cell phone number, you are more than welcome to use it anytime if you need something or want to talk to Jahmiyra while Martinez is at work. I understand the situation we are all in is not ideal, but there is nothing we can do but make the most of it and do what’s best for Jahmiyra. Imagine how much easier it would be on her if you and I were on speaking terms. She’s only getting older and more things will be happening in her life. The more communication the better. Let me know what you think.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:12 PM
How would communicating with her make things easier?
newstepmom61811
by on May. 5, 2013 at 5:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I would not send her anything...she put a picture of you crying on Instagram...major boundary violation...she doesn't give a damn about you...I would honestly write her off, focus on your SO, support his parenting of his child when she's around and let your SO handle his ex 100%, she is nothing to you, you don't need her validation, approval, or cooperation. A woman who treated you like that, you need her as far away as possible from you. Support your SO, do no harm to SO's relationship with his daughter, and remain neutral and uninvolved in the relationship between your SO's daughter and her mom, those are your obligations, good luck. Her behavior tells you all you need to know about her, focus on those who treat you well, don't waste your precious time on those who don't and won't.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 5:17 PM
3 moms liked this
If this were me, and I had to write a letter to get the point across, this is what I might send

Hello
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye and there has been tension between us, but I would like to get to a point where we can communicate with each other regarding 'name/child'. Please accept my apology for any wrong doing Or any pain I may have caused over the last 'however' many years. It truly was not my intention. I would like for us to get over the past and move forward and have a healthy, civil relationship for the benefit of 'name/child'.
Me.


Quoting babyjen314:

How could I make it a more extending a hand letter? Or should I just scrap the idea? I don't want it to be mean, I want her to know that I just want to be able to communicate with her cuz it would make things so much easier. But I don't want to kiss her ass. I want it to be cordial. Could you give examples? Or should I not even try?

Quoting Birdseed:

FWIW, I would not send that.  Not ever.  It's way too full of accusatory and inflammatory stuff. That's not you extending an olive branch, that's you trying to make YOUR point and you're doing so in a way that I think most people would be offended and BM will for SURE get pissed about.

It's not a nice letter.  You're not saying what you want to do to make the situation better.  It's full of negativity. I wouldn't send that unless I had a gun held to my head and if I recieved it?  I'd laugh and try to remove SM from the situation the best I could. It's NOT a peaceful olive branch email at all. 



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