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SD wants to cut BM out of her life

Posted by on May. 5, 2013 at 5:41 PM
  • 25 Replies

SD is 13, she has felt this way for a while. SD and BM's relationship isn't a very good one and more often than not SD walks on eggshells while at BM's so that BM wont start yelling at her and telling her how horrible DH and I are. The smallest thing can set BM off. For example, last summer BM asked her who her father was, SD answered with her father's name. BM then asked who her mother was SD then gave my first name and BM's first name. BM freaked out and asked her why SHE wasn't first. (At that point SD and BM didn't have a great relationship either, SD saw BM every other weekend Friday to Saturday, BM didn't come to anything school or sports related), I did everything a "mom" would do, SD still referred to me by my frist name at that point. Well, just because SD said my name first BM laid into SD about how SHE was her mother, I was not, so SHE should be first. SD said, "well, what's the point". That set BM off even more - a HUGE fight ensued which left SD calling DH to come pick her up while she was hysterical and standing at the end of the driveway. I came and met them, got SD into my car and drove to a parking lot where I was able to calm SD down.

Things have pretty much gotten worse since then, she now refers to me as "Mom". SD has mentioned a few times that she is getting to a point where she doesn't want to deal with BM anymore. She is tired of it all. I want to support her but I don't want her to regret anything. I have told her that her relationship with BM may get better in the future and she may have a decent relationship with her. I honestly don't see that happening - but I am trying to be supportive of her having a relationship with her as long as it is healthy one.

We do encourage her to go to BM's, but at the same time SD has sports, school events, and friends and those things are becoming more important to her which is understandable, so she doens't want to go to BM's every other weekend. BM doesn't know her friends or her friends parents and has never asked about them, she occassionally attends sports but is almost always late, and is not involved in school stuff at all.

How should we proceed?

by on May. 5, 2013 at 5:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lurion
by on May. 5, 2013 at 6:53 PM
1 mom liked this

Well I'm gonna just venture a guess that  almost all 13 year olds hate their mothers at some point. It's part of the separation process. 

My 14 y/o son is going through the same thing with his father right now. I'm advocating for giving him some flexibility with visitation, but making him go over at least one weekend a month. 

I believe it would be a HUGE mistake to let her separate from her mother completely at this point. She will likely have bigger problems later on, and may really resent you for it. 


bellasmom32510
by on May. 5, 2013 at 7:12 PM
1 mom liked this

That is what we are doing, about every 4-6 weeks depending on what is going on. She doesn't consider her a "mother" and honestly she hasn't filled that role in years. They don't have, and never really had a mother/daughter relationship, so I don't believe this is the typical I hate my parents type of thing. lol. She is just really tired of the disappointment, lies, being made to feel guilty about any choice she makes, the constant bombardment of negativity towards DH and I (who have actually BEEN there for the last 7 years - when BM decided which things in SD's life were worthy of her attention and time - which was usually just the ones where she could show SD off).

jazzymom760
by on May. 5, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Some people aren't good at hiding their hatred. You clearly have earned SDs respect as a SM while BM tends to neglect. Her lack of interest has gotten her to the point where she is now with DD.

I don't believe in forcing relationships. Keep doing what you're doing and let her make the last call. She'll come around eventually, she just needs time to grow up.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on May. 5, 2013 at 11:19 PM

Oh dear.  Things really have gotten worse.

can visits with BM just be shorter?  These are tricky years to navigate and very shortly you might be the "hated" SM because you said no about something and BM is the bomb.

do everything you can to help her keep a realistic relationship with her mom.  Give her tools to handle her mom's crazy.  That would be the best gift you could give her.

hotmama83227
by on May. 5, 2013 at 11:24 PM

firstly, you are amazing for encouraging her. maybe let her take a break if thats what she wants, i mean from bm? sounds like bm is causing her a lot of stress

bellasmom32510
by on May. 6, 2013 at 6:39 AM
It is funny you said that because I have thought that would happen a few times. BM has so many animals its like a farm. I would have thought that would have changed SD's mind about her it really hasn't. After spending just a few hours with BM SD is ready to come home.


Quoting pdxmum:

Oh dear.  Things really have gotten worse.

can visits with BM just be shorter?  These are tricky years to navigate and very shortly you might be the "hated" SM because you said no about something and BM is the bomb.

do everything you can to help her keep a realistic relationship with her mom.  Give her tools to handle her mom's crazy.  That would be the best gift you could give her.


chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 6, 2013 at 7:04 AM
Ok, so bm is not correct in her behavior so don't take it that way.

First, if the "mom" thing caused that much conflict, I would have made it clear to sd that she could love me and I would love her and that it was ok and expected that her mom was her mom. Why? Because if I do love her, I would not want her in the middle of it. Even if I played a larger part in her life. Especially if I played a larger part in her life

Sd and bm don't get along. Sounds like much of it is BM's doing potentially. In that case, all you can do is help sd to cope and have the best situation possible. Which includes reducing conflict where it can be reduced and building up sd when she gets home. Which sounds like your approach anyways :)
bellasmom32510
by on May. 6, 2013 at 7:45 AM
I get what you are saying, we weren't aware of the situation until after. Honestly I don't think that SD meant anything when she said my name first. She thinks of me first because I am around and participate more than BM. SD has told me lots of times over the last year that she doesn't consider BM to be a mother. She says she doesn't think BM loves her and I have told her that isn't true. But it is hard to defend someone who pushes SD to the side and shows no interest in her or her life. BM flies off the handle when over anything when it comes to me. She despises me...I could care less, it, the situation is of her own making whether she chooses to believe it or not.


Quoting chanizen:

Ok, so bm is not correct in her behavior so don't take it that way.



First, if the "mom" thing caused that much conflict, I would have made it clear to sd that she could love me and I would love her and that it was ok and expected that her mom was her mom. Why? Because if I do love her, I would not want her in the middle of it. Even if I played a larger part in her life. Especially if I played a larger part in her life



Sd and bm don't get along. Sounds like much of it is BM's doing potentially. In that case, all you can do is help sd to cope and have the best situation possible. Which includes reducing conflict where it can be reduced and building up sd when she gets home. Which sounds like your approach anyways :)

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 6, 2013 at 10:01 AM
5 moms liked this

I have some experience with this from the other side.  My son cut his BF out of his life when he was 13 years old.  He is now 28 years old.  He has never regretted it for even one day.  I know that because that is what he has told my DH and me.  He refers to my DH as his dad.    My son's BF was horrible to him and he resented it.  BF talked about me and my whole family, never attended any school events, etc. just as you describe.  At 13 my son had enough and stopped going to see his dad entirely.  My DH and I did not encourage or interfere.  It was his decision.   We have never looked back.   My son is happy and well-adjusted.   The emotional toll his BF was putting my son through was tremendous and I thank God every day that my son was mature enough to know the right thing to do was end that relationship.  Listen to your SD; she may know better than you and you DH do about what is right for her life....remember she is the one sufferiing.  You can't worry so much about the "what ifs" down the line.  The future will take care of itself.  

Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on May. 6, 2013 at 10:01 AM

BUMP!

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