SD is 13, she has felt this way for a while. SD and BM's relationship isn't a very good one and more often than not SD walks on eggshells while at BM's so that BM wont start yelling at her and telling her how horrible DH and I are. The smallest thing can set BM off. For example, last summer BM asked her who her father was, SD answered with her father's name. BM then asked who her mother was SD then gave my first name and BM's first name. BM freaked out and asked her why SHE wasn't first. (At that point SD and BM didn't have a great relationship either, SD saw BM every other weekend Friday to Saturday, BM didn't come to anything school or sports related), I did everything a "mom" would do, SD still referred to me by my frist name at that point. Well, just because SD said my name first BM laid into SD about how SHE was her mother, I was not, so SHE should be first. SD said, "well, what's the point". That set BM off even more - a HUGE fight ensued which left SD calling DH to come pick her up while she was hysterical and standing at the end of the driveway. I came and met them, got SD into my car and drove to a parking lot where I was able to calm SD down.
Things have pretty much gotten worse since then, she now refers to me as "Mom". SD has mentioned a few times that she is getting to a point where she doesn't want to deal with BM anymore. She is tired of it all. I want to support her but I don't want her to regret anything. I have told her that her relationship with BM may get better in the future and she may have a decent relationship with her. I honestly don't see that happening - but I am trying to be supportive of her having a relationship with her as long as it is healthy one.
We do encourage her to go to BM's, but at the same time SD has sports, school events, and friends and those things are becoming more important to her which is understandable, so she doens't want to go to BM's every other weekend. BM doesn't know her friends or her friends parents and has never asked about them, she occassionally attends sports but is almost always late, and is not involved in school stuff at all.
How should we proceed?