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Do I do anything?

Posted by on May. 6, 2013 at 9:41 AM
  • 20 Replies

OSS mom has been telling him that she didnt have custody of him because his dad threatened her.  He told me this during an intense conversation between he and I and started crying etc.  I encouraged him to talk to his dad and he did.  He was shown proof of her lies through the divorce decree and he was shown that she could get him more than she does.  OSS is 11.

This weekend was her weekend and the first weekend he saw her since our talk and his and his dad's talk.  I asked how it went and he said that BM told him that his dad my dh said something to the effect of she will be in a body bag before she gets her kids.  

I want to wring both their necks (DH and BM) and tell them to JUST STOP IT. But I would be out of line.  Wouldnt I? BM has lied to OSS several times and he has seen it himself. This has just got to stop.  

I personally want everyone to go to counseling but that won't happen even if it would help OSS. 

by on May. 6, 2013 at 9:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 6, 2013 at 9:49 AM

Did Dad really say Mom would be in a body bag?

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 6, 2013 at 9:51 AM

You aren't going to control BM.  Your DH provided SS with the only he could:  the truth.  Counseling may help, but I found one of the best defenses when BM of my SKs would lie was to give her an out.  Without calling her a liar, I took to brushing away her lies with the simple explanation that people sometimes say things they don't mean or that aren't true when they're hurting really bad.  BM desperately wants her kid, can't have him, and would rather blame your DH than take accountability because that's simply too difficult for her to do.  SS needs to learn to look past that.

kimkrys1
by on May. 6, 2013 at 9:54 AM

I dont know.  This was when OSS was a baby (before me).  I havent asked DH yet and he will tell me the truth.  We do know that BM has lied to OSS about DH before about things DH would say to BM.  She admitted lying about stuff.  But OSS LOVES HER SO MUCH no matter how wrong she is.  He remembers her and he remembers her living with them (YSS doesnt).  He is torn up I know he is... 

I can see DH saying, "Over MY dead body" but I couldnt see him threatening her.


Quoting WifeyC:

Did Dad really say Mom would be in a body bag?


kimkrys1
by on May. 6, 2013 at 9:56 AM

OK So what you are saying is to have a blanket response to her lying.  Do I open this conversation again to OSS? He holds alot in or do I let it go? He will talk to me before he will DH.

Quoting Derdriu:

You aren't going to control BM.  Your DH provided SS with the only he could:  the truth.  Counseling may help, but I found one of the best defenses when BM of my SKs would lie was to give her an out.  Without calling her a liar, I took to brushing away her lies with the simple explanation that people sometimes say things they don't mean or that aren't true when they're hurting really bad.  BM desperately wants her kid, can't have him, and would rather blame your DH than take accountability because that's simply too difficult for her to do.  SS needs to learn to look past that.


ramita
by Silver Member on May. 6, 2013 at 9:58 AM
1 mom liked this
Could maybe your SS go to counseling?

My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.

With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.

Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.
kimkrys1
by on May. 6, 2013 at 10:05 AM

Thanks Ramita... the good thing is I didnt know him until after he divorced.  There was no court or anything she signed the divorce as is and didnt fight at all for the kids.  

Counseling I dont think is an option for 2 reasons:  1) I have tried and BM has tried to find a counselor in our area they are all booked up! and 2) DH says he doesnt need it (SS).  BM wont fight him on that either and I can suggest but that's it really.  I mean I could set up an appointment but DH wouldnt be happy with me.  He feels that we should keep "family stuff private".

So I'm at a loss.  I just wish BM would grow up and I wish DH would put her in her place once and for all.

Quoting ramita:

Could maybe your SS go to counseling?

My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.

With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.

Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.


amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 6, 2013 at 10:19 AM
Do you think dad might want to keep family stuff private because maybe not all of it are lies?


Quoting kimkrys1:

Thanks Ramita... the good thing is I didnt know him until after he divorced.  There was no court or anything she signed the divorce as is and didnt fight at all for the kids.  

Counseling I dont think is an option for 2 reasons:  1) I have tried and BM has tried to find a counselor in our area they are all booked up! and 2) DH says he doesnt need it (SS).  BM wont fight him on that either and I can suggest but that's it really.  I mean I could set up an appointment but DH wouldnt be happy with me.  He feels that we should keep "family stuff private".

So I'm at a loss.  I just wish BM would grow up and I wish DH would put her in her place once and for all.

Quoting ramita:

Could maybe your SS go to counseling?



My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.



With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.



Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.



ramita
by Silver Member on May. 6, 2013 at 10:21 AM
I think it would be worth bringing it up to DH not because SS has a problem, but because he needs someone to talk to that's he knows is neutral on the situation. If DH again says no then try to be that person for SS. Try to be the neutral voice so he can figure out for himself what to believe and how much to believe his mom.


Quoting kimkrys1:

Thanks Ramita... the good thing is I didnt know him until after he divorced.  There was no court or anything she signed the divorce as is and didnt fight at all for the kids.  

Counseling I dont think is an option for 2 reasons:  1) I have tried and BM has tried to find a counselor in our area they are all booked up! and 2) DH says he doesnt need it (SS).  BM wont fight him on that either and I can suggest but that's it really.  I mean I could set up an appointment but DH wouldnt be happy with me.  He feels that we should keep "family stuff private".

So I'm at a loss.  I just wish BM would grow up and I wish DH would put her in her place once and for all.

Quoting ramita:

Could maybe your SS go to counseling?



My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.



With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.



Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.



kimkrys1
by on May. 6, 2013 at 10:25 AM

Thank you SO much... I will do that.. I would rather wring BM's and DH's neck but I will restrain :) ... thanks for your advice.

Quoting ramita:

I think it would be worth bringing it up to DH not because SS has a problem, but because he needs someone to talk to that's he knows is neutral on the situation. If DH again says no then try to be that person for SS. Try to be the neutral voice so he can figure out for himself what to believe and how much to believe his mom.


Quoting kimkrys1:

Thanks Ramita... the good thing is I didnt know him until after he divorced.  There was no court or anything she signed the divorce as is and didnt fight at all for the kids.  

Counseling I dont think is an option for 2 reasons:  1) I have tried and BM has tried to find a counselor in our area they are all booked up! and 2) DH says he doesnt need it (SS).  BM wont fight him on that either and I can suggest but that's it really.  I mean I could set up an appointment but DH wouldnt be happy with me.  He feels that we should keep "family stuff private".

So I'm at a loss.  I just wish BM would grow up and I wish DH would put her in her place once and for all.

Quoting ramita:

Could maybe your SS go to counseling?



My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.



With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.



Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.




kimkrys1
by on May. 6, 2013 at 10:28 AM

That could be it... but I doubt it.  He is a very private man doesnt like his business on the street as he told me once.  I know they didnt have the best marriage at all.... it was toxic but I can say that he would not hit a woman.  He would have hit me once or twice if he was an abuser... 

Quoting amantonacci:

Do you think dad might want to keep family stuff private because maybe not all of it are lies?


Quoting kimkrys1:

Thanks Ramita... the good thing is I didnt know him until after he divorced.  There was no court or anything she signed the divorce as is and didnt fight at all for the kids.  

Counseling I dont think is an option for 2 reasons:  1) I have tried and BM has tried to find a counselor in our area they are all booked up! and 2) DH says he doesnt need it (SS).  BM wont fight him on that either and I can suggest but that's it really.  I mean I could set up an appointment but DH wouldnt be happy with me.  He feels that we should keep "family stuff private".

So I'm at a loss.  I just wish BM would grow up and I wish DH would put her in her place once and for all.

Quoting ramita:

Could maybe your SS go to counseling?



My SS's BM is a liar about things to (or maybe it's more of stretching the truth and confusing the kids). She told my SS that we stole him from her and she didn't run away. So I told him that we didn't steal him. She asked my DH to go get him from his ex-SF's care, so we did. After a week of trying to figure out what happened and where Bm was and BM not talking about it DH went to lawyer who advised him to file for custody. After that we have done what we were told by the courts to do. Then I added if his mom felt she didn't run away and she felt what she did was her only option then we can call it something else, but we didn't steal him.



With that being said I would explain to your SS that during the court stuff a lot of things were said from both sides that they shouldn't have said, and that both sides still have tension with the other because of it. If she felt threatened by DH because he was trying to get custody of him which appeared to be best for him then maybe she has a point, but remind him that she could see him more and doesn't so that is on her.



Sometimes as a SM is good for you to take a step back and try to put a neutral spin on the situation for the kid so they can decide for themselves what to believe.




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