Something happened this weekend that has me pretty upset and not knowing the best way to handle it. I know that SD can sense, or is being outright told, that her mother doesn't like me or something along those lines. When we were at a family function for DF's family a few weeks ago, DF's sister referred to me as SD's stepmom (since the wedding is only 4 weeks away from the wedding, people have just started useing these terms. and SD said "I'm not allowed to call Erica that, my mom said if I call Erica that, then she will be mad at me" and DF's sister asked her why and said "She WILL be your stepmom though, so what's wrong with you saying it" and SD put her head down on the table in her arms and said "I know, but I'm not allowed to say it". SD and I have a very close relationship - we snuggle and say we love eachother, give hugs and kisses, we both have heart necklaces, one that DF got me, and one that I got for SD and she wears it when she is at our house and she made up this thing where we make our necklaces touch and make a kiss sound and she says "We make them kiss because we love eachothers!" We have tons of fun together and we just adore eachother, we truly do.
This weekend she said to me "I wish you could go to the mother's day tea at my school" and I said "well I would love to go if that's what would make you happy, but I would only go if your mom said it was ok". She said "I don't really think my mom would let you go" and I said ok, well that's fine sweetheart, I don't need to go." Then my daughter said "SD) told me that her mom said she can't call you mom even after you and (DF) get married". I said "that's ok, I don't need (SD) to call me mom, she already has a mommy that loves her. She probably wont call (BM's boyfriend) Dad either.". SD said "My mommy told me that I can call him dad, but I wont call him daddy". Then I said to SD " Well, I just want to be a grown up in your life that loves you LIKE a mommy does and helps take care of you when you are at daddy's house, and that you can talk to. I would rather not just be "Erica" forever, but we can just come up with another special nickname for you to call me." SD then said "Can I call you 'M' and have it be short for Mom?" and I said "do you really want to call me that" and she said "yes!" So I told her it's fine with me if she wants to call me "M".
DF took the kids shopping for mother's day presents and she gave me hers before she left since I wouldn't see her on mother's day. She was so excited and talking about how happy she is to have a second mom and how much she loves me. I told her I'm excited that she is a part of my life and that I love her too. Well she went home and a few hours later we got a text from BM saying that she doesn't appreciate us telling SD to ask her if I can go to the mother's day tea, that it is rude and playing mind games with SD! DF explained to her what the conversation had been and she said "Well, (SD) says that you guys brought it up to her) DF told BM that SD is probably nervous to tell her that it was actually SD's idea because she knows she doesn't like me and doesn't want her mom to be mad at her. He also told her that it's very confusing to SD that her mom dislikes someone that she loves and that BM shouldn't make her feel bad for wanting me to be a part of her life or for loving me. She never responded back. I texted BM today asking her if she would like to get together and try to iron out some of this stuff. She never responded. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to go to SD's Dr. appointments or parent teacher conferences, or infringe on any milestone moments or anything like that. ALL I want to do is make sure that SD feels like she has a home with us - that she has her own bed and clothes and toys and everything. I want her to feel loved and like she is a true part of the family. I want to help my DF be as involved in her life as he possibly can. I want her to know that I love unconditionally and that she can love me back without fear.
I'm worried that all of the negativity that BM has toward me, and isn't afraid to show to SD, will harm me and SD's relationship AND harm SD emotionally. I want BM to understand that I'm not trying to take HER place in SD's life but rather just taking my own, unique place in SD's life, so that she's not radiating negativity toward me and having it effect SD.