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I feel like we are being punished :(

Posted by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:09 AM
  • 22 Replies
Yes, I will admit, I am totally having a pity party. For those that don't know, BM moved about 1/4 mile from or house after living out of state for the past 6 years. For 5 of those years DH had custody of all 3 of his kids, and then last year BM had OSD and we had the younger two. Anyway, now that she is here the arrangement is almost 50/50 but BM is still primary for OSD and we are primary for SD11 and SS9. Well, things have been pretty good with BM since she got here about 2 weeks ago but the kids are acting exactly how I feared they would. OSD is always wanting to come stay over with DH and I but is still respectful to BM but SD11 and SS9 make it abundantly clear that they prefer BM and despise being at our house. I have actually begun to dread them coming home from BM's (she watches them after school) everyday because I am sure to hear some comment about it. Now, for a little perspective, I have always been close to SS and he really wasn't very close to his mom for many years. So even though I know it's good and normal for him to bond with his mom it still hurts to see him pushing us away. SD11 has always yearned for a closer relationship with BM, and she definitely idolizes her, but she also had a pretty tight bond with her Dad and she has always liked me and talked to me about everything. I knew there would be a change, and honestly I kind of expected something like this to happen, but its still hard to go through it. DH recognizes it to an extent but he is more oblivious to the off-handed comments they make and when he does realize it he just gets irritated which makes the kids even more upset. Today was not too bad but SS made one little remark about how OSD wanted to be with us (DH and I) all the time but that it was the opposite for him (meaning he wanted to be with BM all the time). I can't deny it stings to hear stuff like that even though I try hard not to take it personal. I almost began regretting getting close to them over the years so I wouldn't have to go through this feeling of rejection, and it hurts even more when their animosity is directed at DH. I do still think that in time it will get better, but I am also kind of protecting myself by putting up a wall. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? I feel like DH and I are being punished for being the stable, consistent parents while BM is being rewarded for not being around for years.
by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 7, 2013 at 1:15 AM
4 moms liked this
I have no experience with this but just wanted to offer a virtual HUG...
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rocknmom85
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 9:52 AM

Thank you, virtual or not, I really did need a hug.. I sometimes wish they could just stay with BM 24/7 until the honeymoon phase wears off and they are no longer worshiping the ground she walks on. Logically I estimate this phase will only last about a month or so more but I secretly fear that this is the new "norm".

Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on May. 7, 2013 at 10:35 AM

No experience, but another hug and best wishes that this will work out for you.

wyomom4
by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:45 AM

I actually did have a similar situation. My 3 skids BM lived out of state for the first 4 years that we had custody, then moved in 1 block away. The kids were always wanting to go over, and except for specific times (bed or weekend plans) we would pretty much let them. And yep, after about a month or so of being around BM so much, they started hanging out at home more often. My only real advice is to hang in there and don't let the kids turn it into a power struggle. If they know it bothers you they are more likely to keep pushing you guys away.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 7, 2013 at 10:52 AM

I completely understand where you are coming from, with my 3 step-children. After being the primary care giver (only seeing their bm  every other summer), now that they are older, they make comments that sting and treat me horribly hoping at times we will send them to her. We have raised them for 6+ yrs without any help from her, but all the sudden she gets all the praise and glory. It hurts, even though I understand. I love they have finally leanred to love her (hey has issues with her for the first 3 yrs), I just miss them (though they are still here. I just miss the old trusting and loving relationship vs what it is now)

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 11:44 AM

 I feel for you.  I've lived with my skids for the past 4 years, they see BM once or twice a year.  I can totally see this happening when they have more access to BM or when they get older, and I can totally see this really hurting. 

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 11:58 AM

 

Well that is encouraging to know that things did improve after a month, I am not holding my breath but I do think it will get better at some point. I really don't want to play the one-upper game with BM by trying to spoil the kids more to win their favor, but I feel like that's what the kids are trying to get. They want BM and DH to be competitve to win their favor but DH flat out refuses to play games like that. The crazy thing is that we used to be the "fun" parents (not pushovers but we are laid back/"cool"), but now I don't feel like doing any fun things with them because they give off a vibe like "I would rather be with BM" and don't enjoy themselves. It's weird and sad at the same time, DH and I have not done anything to deserve to be "rejected" or disliked by them. I am probably making this into a bigger issues than it is because SD has already gotten a little better and she treats DH and I with decency but ss (who I didn't expect to act this way) is the one acting all out of sorts.

Quoting wyomom4:

I actually did have a similar situation. My 3 skids BM lived out of state for the first 4 years that we had custody, then moved in 1 block away. The kids were always wanting to go over, and except for specific times (bed or weekend plans) we would pretty much let them. And yep, after about a month or so of being around BM so much, they started hanging out at home more often. My only real advice is to hang in there and don't let the kids turn it into a power struggle. If they know it bothers you they are more likely to keep pushing you guys away.


 

SavesSpiders
by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Add my hug to the others.... Sorry I have no advice, but best of luck to you.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 12:37 PM

 

Thank you, I hope this does not happen to you too. I think the kids kind of subconciously blame DH for not having access to their Mom for so many years. Even though they know logically that it is not true it is easier to blame him then the person that they have missed and yearned for a relationship with (BM).

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 I feel for you.  I've lived with my skids for the past 4 years, they see BM once or twice a year.  I can totally see this happening when they have more access to BM or when they get older, and I can totally see this really hurting. 


 

DDDaysh
by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:00 PM

 My advice to you....  chill out.  From the outside looking in, this seems like a pretty normal "the grass is greener" situation.  It will probably stabalize with time. 

I know it's not quite the same thing, but we live about 1/4 a mile away from my parents.  For the last couple of years, my DS has stayed with my mom after school rather than going to daycare or anything.  Every once in a while, he gets in these moods where he starts saying things like, "I wish we just lived at their house," and things like that.  Then he stops, and he will get into moods where he absolutely loves our house and wishes he could come home after school instead of going there.  Either way, he almost never wants to come home when I go to pick him up because he's either getting to watch TV or play with neighbor kids. 

Just go with the flow.  I know it's a little harder because she is BM and you are SM, so society often sets of a competition there that it doesn't between grandparents and parents.  You've been around for a long time though, and both you and BM have important roles in their lives.  It will be ok. 

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