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"Mom puts her feelings above her kid's feelings"

Posted by on May. 7, 2013 at 9:17 AM
  • 29 Replies

How many people raise their kids on what the children are feeling and always make their decisions based on that instead of what the adult feels is right?

I'm doubting that many do, so why is that the go to place for some SM's when mom doesn't allow her kid to call the shots where SM is concerned?  Does mom really have to allow SM do to certain things because a 5/10/15 year old fffeeeeeelllsss that is what should be allowed when the mother has her own ideas of what should be going on? 

Is a parent not allowed to ever put their feelings ahead of their kids because that might scar the kids for life, especially if it means that SM's ego might be brusied a little bit?

Change it up... if the kid doesn't want SM doing something but mom feels it is in the kids best interest for SM to do it, does the kid still get to call the shots or is it in that instance that the kid doesn't know what is best for them, because it involves SM being involved and of course mom knows what is best?

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
by on May. 7, 2013 at 9:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
newstepmom61811
by on May. 7, 2013 at 9:25 AM
3 moms liked this

Too generic, what's this in reference to? Example: BM FEELS it's right to leave SKs in a running car in a seedy part of town to go into a store called "high times" which sells drug, porn, and stripper paraphanalia (have to be 18 to go into this store). Kids complain. It makes them very uncomfortable. I'd say yeah, what the kids are feeling is right in this case and BM is off her rocker...it's always situational...

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 7, 2013 at 10:03 AM
3 moms liked this

Color me confused.  I read your subject line and assumed this would be a post on mental illness / personality disorder.  For instance, BM of my SKs puts her emotional needs above the kids when SD's expression of being happy over something at our house is met with a backhand to the face and overt shunning.  But that's not the response of a normal individual; there are shrink-worthy issues at play.  And that's also clearly not the direction you're going with your post.  So what gives?

newstepmom61811
by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Kinda where I went too...wasn't sure if this was in response to the rash of "the kid wants to call me mommy" posts we've had lately...that's where my brain went but I'm sooooo over those right now...I had to take it another direction...


Quoting Derdriu:

Color me confused.  I read your subject line and assumed this would be a post on mental illness / personality disorder.  For instance, BM of my SKs puts her emotional needs above the kids when SD's expression of being happy over something at our house is met with a backhand to the face and overt shunning.  But that's not the response of a normal individual; there are shrink-worthy issues at play.  And that's also clearly not the direction you're going with your post.  So what gives?



Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 7, 2013 at 10:36 AM
2 moms liked this

 why would BM be involved in anything to do SM that should be Bf's business not BM

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't really think that "feelings" in the sense I was interpreting you to mean in the title should be what drives decision making.  I'm a fan of logic and reason.

If a kid has a logical, rational reason for wanting to do X, Y or Zed, then I think that parents should take that into consideration.  If kiddo is just emotionally wanting X, Y or Zed, maybe less so.  But a logical reason?  

Let's say that a child wants to get a job.  DH and SM support this and are willing to help get the non-driving yet child to and from a job.  BM FEELS that it's the parents' responsiblity to give kids everything they want and need and thus no child of hers should be working.  Well that's fine.  But if the kid sits down and says, "I want to get some work experience.  It will give me some pocket money, it will teach me about working, and it will look good on my college application."  In a case like that, I really don't think that a parent's FEELINGS trump logic and reason on the kid's part.



ejsmom4604
by on May. 7, 2013 at 11:46 AM

To much of a blanket statement. Every situation/relationship is different. What's going on with the situation regarding BM and my SS is different from what you have gone through and what other are going through. Though there may be some lines of similarity, it doesn't make it the same. 

Blanket statements one way or the other are never good. Besides, there is a HUGE factor missing from all this and that is what BD feels is best, it should be between him and BM. And BM and SM should really never be talking rules etc. However, there are always exceptions to everything out there. Just because "we" don't like the exceptions, doesn't mean they don't exist. 

TheStepMonster
by on May. 7, 2013 at 11:46 AM

I think your title is a little misleading.

There's a difference in BMs rules vs SMs rules - which I would agree with you on and a parent putting their feelings above their kids when it's detrimental to the kids.

A few examples, BM says to BF during a discussion about mother's day where BM is explaining why she's not getting SD "I'm not getting the other 2, so it doesn't matter".  Mom may not feel like getting SD by herself and going through the MD "hoopla", but if that's what SD wants (because for 10 years it's been drilled in SDs head that MD is the end all be all of days to worship her mother and that's the ONLY day it can happen), then BM yes needs to suck it up and go outside of what she "feels" - and put her daughters "feelings" above her own.

BM wants to bitch incessantly about her kids BF.  I mean, we're talking some knock down drag out stuff she says about her XH.  Her ODS has asked repeatedly for her to stop, that it makes him feel bad.  She has responded that it makes her feel better to get her feelings off her chest.  So should moms "feelings" override her sons here?  

BM is involved in a 12 step recovery program.  She goes to 3 meetings per day, plus serves on several regional/state committees.  Has for 4 years.  Her children (18 and 15) have asked several times if she can take one meeting a week out of rotation because they would like to eat one meal per week with her.  She says she feels she needs to be there for others.  (She has 5 years clean, is not seeking meetings to aid in her own recovery in the aspect that if she doesn't go she may use).  The kids say they feel like she's never home and they really miss her.  So, should BM get to use her "feelings" to avoid her kids.  

When it comes to rules - sure I get what you're saying and for the most part I agree.  But here's another example from your POV - NCBM says to her 13 year old daughter that she would rather her use Nair or go wax her legs versus shaving.  She says the same to BF of 10 year old DD when she gets to that point.  Her "feeling" is that 13 years old is way too young to shave.  BF and SM disagree.  BF asks SM what her experience was because, well, he never shaved his leg and is looking for reference.  SM says she started shaving at 11, because all her friends were.  Didn't really need to until much later, but that it's SMs opinion that BM is making a way big deal about it.  SM is also taking into consideration that if NCBM (this is why I mention that she is NCP, otherwise, it would be irrelevant) insists on this waxing/harsh chemical rule, that it will be left to CP to purchase said harsh chemical which they are opposed to or pay for waxing and providing the arrangements for.  This is based on past history of NCBM not providing basic necessities when needed and refusing to participate in anything that 10yo DD does because she doesn't have gas money.  So - should BM consider the needs/wants of her DD over the way she feels about the situation.  Perhaps.  

ETA:  Some of the examples provided here are not that from my own.  My  BM is not involved in recovery, that's from a family member, and my BM doesn't trash her kids dads', that is taken from another family member. 

grey ribbon

During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM).  She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998.  Love and miss you much.

packermomof2
by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:22 PM

This is based on the post put up by someone claiming mom is alienating her kid from a gf while the gf is putting the kid in the middle.  

She says that mom doesn't put her kid first, but the only examples she gives are examples from what SHE thinks should be happening where she is concerned and if mom doesn't do what the kid feels SM should be able to do (mostly because SM feels the kid should be able to decide some of these things) mom is putting her feelings first.

I do see this quite a bit... it can be applied to spending time with the SM over mom if dad isn't around, the infamous calling SM mom, Mother's day things, being involved in the school, etc... if the kid wants it, according to some SM's, it needs to be able to happen or else mom is not putting her kid first.  

I wonder if the same is true in reverse... if the kid says screw SM, I don't want her anywhere around me, does that going to be respected?  Or does what the kid wants only pertain to things that benefit the SM.

And to the anonymous poster, mom's kid, mom's business.  Not SM's kid, not her choice what is mom's business where SM is concerned

TheStepMonster
by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for clarifying, I get it now.

I think there are times where either is appropriate.  It, like many other subject in these groups, are situational.  My parents, all 4, gave some latitude to my feelings.  IE - Mother's/Father's day - I was allowed to choose.  I split the day - I went to church with my BF/SM on those days, then instead of staying until the prescribed 6:30pm, I went home right after lunch and spent the rest of the day with my BM/SF.  That's what worked for us.  


Quoting packermomof2:

This is based on the post put up by someone claiming mom is alienating her kid from a gf while the gf is putting the kid in the middle.  

She says that mom doesn't put her kid first, but the only examples she gives are examples from what SHE thinks should be happening where she is concerned and if mom doesn't do what the kid feels SM should be able to do (mostly because SM feels the kid should be able to decide some of these things) mom is putting her feelings first.

I do see this quite a bit... it can be applied to spending time with the SM over mom if dad isn't around, the infamous calling SM mom, Mother's day things, being involved in the school, etc... if the kid wants it, according to some SM's, it needs to be able to happen or else mom is not putting her kid first.  

I wonder if the same is true in reverse... if the kid says screw SM, I don't want her anywhere around me, does that going to be respected?  Or does what the kid wants only pertain to things that benefit the SM.

And to the anonymous poster, mom's kid, mom's business.  Not SM's kid, not her choice what is mom's business where SM is concerned


grey ribbon

During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM).  She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998.  Love and miss you much.

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on May. 7, 2013 at 2:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I can only speak for myself, but what I associate putting your feelings before those of your kids...it in reference to thing that are damaging to BM's ego. Obviously you have to make decisions on the best interest of your child and sometimes that means making them mad or sad or whatever the case is. An example of something I would see as wrong is a few weeks ago we asked BM to take the kids to SO's nephews birthday party - it was on her weekend. This has NEVER been an issue before...but because she's mad they are going back to court (she was served at the beginning of april) she told us she had plans with them. In actuality she didnt have plans with them and SS14 told us they did nothing all day. So instead of letting them go and enjoy their cousins birthday party...she put her feelings ahead of theirs thinking she was hurting SO. In reality, she was only hurting the boys as they were really BUMMED about missing the party.  For me, that would be a good example of a time NOT to put your feelings before those of your kids.

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