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Teen hygiene/personal care/appearance...kind of surprised coming from DH.

Posted by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:47 PM
  • 17 Replies

My DH just got back from visiting the kids and while driving home from the airport last night, expressed his concern about SD13's appearance and hygiene and eluded to the fact that he would like me to try to address some of these issues with her when she visits in 2 weeks--not formally but by having some sort of girls' day thing.

We've been through the usual tween/young teen skipping showers, not brushing teeth, heading out to school in wrinkled clothes thing with SD now 15, and that all resolved on its own over the last 2 years with some peer pressure for the most part.  She's a freshman now and has really gotten on top of her personal hygiene and appearance stuff as of late.  This is the same kid that we had the pads on the wall, not wearing a pad or tampon at night and bleeding onto PJs then rewearing them and smelling bad issues with. My point being that DH has had a pretty high tolerance for even outter limits type issues yet all of a sudden wants to intervene with SD13.

For some reason that I cannot quite put my finger on, he is pretty adamant after this visit that SD13 needs to be advised/encouraged to do something with her hair, scrub her arms (she gets those red bumps from ingrown hairs on her arms), wear clothing that fits and is clean and fresh, not dirty or wrinkled etc.  

He thinks she should get a new hair cut, learn how to use some product and actually "do it" and take a little more pride in her appearance.  (I took both kids to a nice salon with BM's permission and got them cuts and teaching and product last summer before school started...guess it didn't stick with SD13)  He has the same arm bump issue and can't believe she's not doing something about it.  (just takes a loofah and some moisturizer to resolve, not medical in nature).  He feels like she's just kind of falling off the planet in her Mom and sister's eyes and that they're not giving her much "woman" advice.  She's still not menstruating so that's not an issue with the hygiene thing but he feels like she's just not getting chick advice.

I have to tell you that aside from biological or basic hygiene topics, I am the LAST person on the planet to give input.  I get along very well with SD13--we're way more in sync personality wise than I am with SD15.  But still, her mom is way more trendy, girly, etc.  I don't wear makeup if I don't have to.  My favorite hair style is a ponytail unless it's a special occasion.  I abhor the blow dryer or spending a minute more than I have to getting ready.

I really think that she'll figure this stuff out on her own when it becomes important to her and that in all honesty, it might make her feel even more insecure if anything is pointed out.  She's in 7th grade.  It's a tough age of course and many kids don't really get into the whole appearance thing til later which I'm not sure is a bad thing.

Thoughts?




by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:47 PM
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PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 12:55 PM
You could go get a mani and pedi and get some pampering!! It might be fun for you both. A new haircut and a new outfit would probably make her feel good and help her self-esteem. Maybe a new lipgloss. You could get your make-up done at Macy's then head over to Bath and Body Works for some body wash and body spray. You dont have to tell her your fixing her appearance and hygiene, just make it fun. A girls shopping trip. :)
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2013 at 1:01 PM



Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

You could go get a mani and pedi and get some pampering!! It might be fun for you both. A new haircut and a new outfit would probably make her feel good and help her self-esteem. Maybe a new lipgloss. You could get your make-up done at Macy's then head over to Bath and Body Works for some body wash and body spray. You dont have to tell her your fixing her appearance and hygiene, just make it fun. A girls shopping trip. :)


I hear what you're saying but I hate that stuff.  I mean hate!  I haven't had my nails done since I was in pageants.  I don't like people touching my feet and I don't like nail polish on my fingernails unless it's clear because chipped polish looks trashy to me and mine chips because I use my hands a lot at the farm, at work, etc.  I don't like makeup, I have a skin condition such that most makeups cause me trouble.  I HATE SHOPPING.  

And so does SD13.  She hates all that stuff too!  BM and SD15 do those things.  SD13 just isn't interested.  



PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 1:07 PM
If you don't want to do it, I think it's ok to tell your DH no. Perhaps it's a phase SD will grow out of. Or if its really important to DH maybe he'll take her out for some special treatment.

If it would make him uncomfortable to do girly things, Could DH talk to BM about improving SD's hygiene? Perhaps he could offer to pay for some if it... A gift card to some special places for a fun day with mom. Or is she crazy and would think he is being mean to SD?




Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

You could go get a mani and pedi and get some pampering!! It might be fun for you both. A new haircut and a new outfit would probably make her feel good and help her self-esteem. Maybe a new lipgloss. You could get your make-up done at Macy's then head over to Bath and Body Works for some body wash and body spray. You dont have to tell her your fixing her appearance and hygiene, just make it fun. A girls shopping trip. :)



I hear what you're saying but I hate that stuff.  I mean hate!  I haven't had my nails done since I was in pageants.  I don't like people touching my feet and I don't like nail polish on my fingernails unless it's clear because chipped polish looks trashy to me and mine chips because I use my hands a lot at the farm, at work, etc.  I don't like makeup, I have a skin condition such that most makeups cause me trouble.  I HATE SHOPPING.  

And so does SD13.  She hates all that stuff too!  BM and SD15 do those things.  SD13 just isn't interested.  




Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2013 at 1:14 PM

Direct quote with names redacted from DH last night:

"You are right about SD13.  She's kind of adrift.  It's good to get her out here on her own.  SD15 has a kindred spirit in BM.  SD13 is kind of missing hers in me.I can see the fire in SD15's eyes.  She has a plan.  SD13 needs a push, a friend, a partner.  She's on her own right now."

I really think that she (SD13) is just being pushed to the margins because she doesn't quite fit in with SD15 and Mom.  

She'll go along with anything but she doesn't have the fire inside to ask for what SHE wants.  She's never really made decisions on her own or done anything that wasn't suggested by someone else. 

I dunno. 

I can/will try to do something with her and maybe having her one on one this next time will make it different/easier.  But I'm still a little confused about why the personal appearance thing is concerning DH.  She's only thirteen.  

CodeBlue
by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:16 PM
1 mom liked this

She's not doing anything super un-hygienic (is that a word?) like wearing dried on period pjs (um, gross).  Maybe DH is concerned that it will get that bad - like he should have intervened earlier with sd15 and so he is starting in on sd13?

I personally would not push it.  If you and she both hate it, she may know what's going on.  That will make her feel awkward and embarrassed.   I promise you that 13 year old girls do not need more pressure on how to look, dress, act, etc..  I'd say when she's with you this summer, make sure she's stocked on shampoo/conditioner/body wash that she really likes and hope she takes care of it.

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2013 at 1:25 PM
I bet he is concerned she will be made fun of in school. I notice a lot of dads have that concern. Kids are mean. He probably wants to do everything he can to protect her from being hurt by other kids and appearance has a lot to do with your status in school. :/ That would be my guess. I may be completely wrong though.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 7, 2013 at 1:31 PM
Tell dh that you're not interested in doing that.
I'm not being rude by any means by saying this but could he possibly be hinting to you that he wants you to get made up more? Then if you have to get sd made up then you would have to make yourself up more as well?
If I were you I wouldn't feel pressured to HAVE to help out sd. It's not your thing, it's not fun for you, have dh talk to BM to have her do that girly stuff since she's into that stuff
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2013 at 2:13 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Anonymous:

Tell dh that you're not interested in doing that.
I'm not being rude by any means by saying this but could he possibly be hinting to you that he wants you to get made up more? Then if you have to get sd made up then you would have to make yourself up more as well?
If I were you I wouldn't feel pressured to HAVE to help out sd. It's not your thing, it's not fun for you, have dh talk to BM to have her do that girly stuff since she's into that stuff

That was honestly my very first thought.  Of course it must all REALLY be about me, right? LOL

No joke though, I had been working on the house and the yard all day, hopped in the shower, put on some yoga pants and a tee and went to get him at the airport at 10pm--wet hair, no makeup.  When he started talking about her doing her hair, makeup, clothes, my brain went right there--gosh, is he disappointed with ME?

I was quiet for a moment just listening, then asked a few questions. I don't think it's about me at all. I really do think that he's just concerned about his daughter who seems to be stuck in a rut and just not caring much about anything.  But it does kind of remind me that maybe I should change out of my scrubs and ponytail and into something nicer from time to time.  Truth is though, I really cannot be all dolled up at work. I have to have my hair pulled back, no jewelry, etc.  So if I get off work an hour before him and it's a choice between making a nice dinner or showering again and doing my hair?  Ya no. Not gonna happen.

FWIW, I do paint my toes (french manicure is all I will do) and I do make an effort when we go out and about.  But on a day to day basis if I've been working all day, I'm not gonna lie, I do not look fancy.  When you're on your knees (literally) half the day wrestling dogs or on your feet doing surgery, you don't worry too much about your appearance.  




Si_si
by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:27 PM

I am kind of surprised this is happening truthfully. I have had issues with not really knowing what to do with pads (wrap them really good then throw them out timely!) but I have not had issues with hygiene at this age with my girls. In fact, I have found they are pretty tuned into this but maybe that's because I am? Is BM into hygiene and taking care of herself? This is a little perplexing to me.

My suggestion is to make a day of it. I doubt she will notice and appreciate it.

By the way, those little red bumps on our arms (ours is the tricep area) are herditary in our family. There is a name for it and they told us that nothing can be done. I've tried everything when it flares up and it did not help. My oldest has it and it never gets better and she shaves her arms. Just wanted to say it may be something she really can't control and the doctor wasn't knowledgeable.

 

Si_si
by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:31 PM

 


Quoting Birdseed:

 

 I don't think it's about me at all. I really do think that he's just concerned about his daughter who seems to be stuck in a rut and just not caring much about anything.   

 

This sounds like depression then. Is she depressed that you all moved? Maybe a different issue needs to be addressed?

 

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