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I am so tired of fighting about this ...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 19 Replies
My son is 5 years old. My husband has been a part of his life for 3 years. He has been with us through some really tough times, like my son getting diagnosed with emotional and social delays, adhd and odd.

My son lives with us full time, his father is uninvolved. He visits my parents on Thursday nights until Friday afternoon. This obviously doesn't give us much down time, since we both work full time. My husbands daughter visits every weekend. 2 years ago, my son started calling my husband daddy, and my husband fully embraced it. After a few weeks of me correcting my son, my husband came to me and said that if I'm okay within it, he wants to be daddy. And so from then on, he became daddy.

My son is aware that he's not the daddy that helped make him, he's the daddy that gets to be his all the time daddy.

Every few months, my husband goes through a stage where for about a week he is just completely annoyed with my son. I try to get a babysitter one weekend a month and then leave it up to him what he wants to do -

A - ask bm to keep SD and have a date night

B - take SD and dedicate the weekend to her completely

C - go out with his friends

He usually picks a or c . I'd say ,maybe 3 times in the past year has he picked b.

Now by annoyed with my son, I mean snapping at him for stupid stuff, being too hard on him. Yesterday dh and Ds were watching superman cartoons. I was in my room reading. My husband fell asleep on the couch so my son asked if he could play video games. I said yes, but only for an hour. He turned the volume down so he didn't wake dh and sat on the flood playing video games. I moved out to the living room.

I went outside to have a smoke 45 minutes later. My husband woke up while I was outside and started yelling at my son about the game. I went in to see what was going on, my husband was like I was watching TV and he just turns on his game without asking.

1 you were sleeping
2 he did ask
3 you bought him the game and taught him how to play it - it's Spiderman of course he loves it.

Then as I'm putting my son to bed, dh starts yelling at him that he better not get up for any reason. The kid hadn't done anything to warrant getting yelled at. And we just moved 2 weeks ago, he's adjusting to his new room. I think he's doing great adjusting. He's going to Ned every night without a fight, not getting up unless he has a legitimate excuse like going to the bathroom

So D's comes downstairs, he forgot his baby. He has slept with this thing every night of his life. My husband can't stand this bear because ex bought it for D's. I don't really care - ds doesn't know where it came from and ex chose to not be involved so why does it matter where the thing came from. Dh starts yelling at ds that he's too old for babies and he needs to get back in bed right now.

50 minutes later, ds comes downstairs to pee. You can tell he's half asleep like he just woke. Dh starts yelling at him thst he should have peed before bed.

This morning ds was having a rough time waking up. He was in a good mood, just tired. It was 5 AM. I didn't want to get up either and dh was complaining about needing a personal day.

He starts yelling at ds that if he would go to sleep at night instead of getting up 80 times he would be in a better mood. D's was in a great mood, and the yelling made him cry. I snapped on dh and told him to stop fucking talking shit to ds because he's fucking cranky. D's didn't do a damn thing. Dh went and sat in the car for 20 minutes until it was time to leave. Then didn't say another word to me or ds the entire way to work.

I am so tired of this shit.

Okay sorry end vent. I am walking into work so I have to stop - I'll pop in and out throughout the day
Posted by Anonymous on May. 8, 2013 at 7:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
BioNerd
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:21 AM
1 mom liked this

 Have you talked to him about any of this? I personally would be pissed the fuck off at this type of stuff, and I would not tolerate it from DH. There has been a time or two that he has been too hard on ODD, and I was real fucking quick to put him back in his place, that *I* am ODD's disciplinarian and *I* will handle things. This happens very rarely though.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 8, 2013 at 7:25 AM

Hmm.

Is something going on with your DH? Trouble at work, anything like that? Is he crankier than usual with you too? 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 8, 2013 at 7:35 AM

We've both been stressed -

With the move, we've been broke. Really broke and my husband is a spender. Shopping makes him happy. We both have spending money every week, but with this move, we've both been cut off for the past 3 weeks, and we're down to bare minimum. Come Friday, everything is back on track though.

I'm also pregnant and was just classified as high risk and put on sex restriction until I see the high risk doctor next week

He just changed positions at work - it's not a promotion and not more money, he had to switch to prevent a lay off. He doesn't like the work that he's doing, he wants to go back to the other department but has to wait for Fall for business to pick back up

His DD didn't come over last weekend because of circumstances out of everyones hands

We're adjusting to new schedules, new responsibilities with the move, his mother is on his ass about the baby, it's just been a stressful 3 weeks and things are quieting down finally. 

But it's not fair to DS to take it out on him. I know everyone is different, but through these past few weeks, I look forward to my time with DS when I'm not at work, or doing something around the house, because it's relaxing. What is more fun than spending time with a kid ya know?



Quoting whatIknownow:

Hmm.

Is something going on with your DH? Trouble at work, anything like that? Is he crankier than usual with you too? 



angelmom0405
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:36 AM
I would be mad. I definitely would not keep allowing someone to treat my child that way. My DH has his times he forgets that my son is autistic and deals with things differently but he gets reminded rather quickly. My DH was put on meds for his anger issues and it worked wonders. Maybe your DH needs to go see a dr.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 8, 2013 at 7:39 AM

Last night, I just did damage control with my son and brushed it off that DH was in a bad mood and it wasn't DS's fault. This morning I flipped - I plan to talk to him about it tonight.

It is rare, every 4-5 months or so that he gets in one of these moods for about a week. Other times, he's amazing, just like any good bio dad would be. I allow him to discipline DS because that is the role that he has, but I have told him before

1) I don't expect you to discipline

2) If you can't handle the behavior modification program that we put together with the psychologist, then I will handle it so you don't have to worry about it.

He is fully aware that if at any time he feels like he's taking on too much responsibility, or he feels like he needs a break tell me, I will step in. But don't take it out on my kid.

Quoting BioNerd:

 Have you talked to him about any of this? I personally would be pissed the fuck off at this type of stuff, and I would not tolerate it from DH. There has been a time or two that he has been too hard on ODD, and I was real fucking quick to put him back in his place, that *I* am ODD's disciplinarian and *I* will handle things. This happens very rarely though.



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 8, 2013 at 7:41 AM
3 moms liked this


I agree it's not fair to your DS, but your husband's stress level might be the reason he is so cranky with SS.

So, I would talk to him and ask him if he thinks his stress level is making him snap at DS for normal-5yo behavior. If so, maybe he will be able to stop himself. 

Not everyone finds spending time with a kid relaxing. If I were worried about my job (and supporting my growing family), I could see being snappy too. He just needs to be able to redirect his snappiness away from a 5yo.

Quoting Anonymous:


But it's not fair to DS to take it out on him. I know everyone is different, but through these past few weeks, I look forward to my time with DS when I'm not at work, or doing something around the house, because it's relaxing. What is more fun than spending time with a kid ya know?

BioNerd
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:42 AM
2 moms liked this

 For you and your child's sake, I would firmly explain to him the pattern that you have described here, and make it well aware that when he starts to act like this he needs to step back a few and give you the reigns on things. That is just inexcusable behavior.

Quoting Anonymous:

Last night, I just did damage control with my son and brushed it off that DH was in a bad mood and it wasn't DS's fault. This morning I flipped - I plan to talk to him about it tonight.

It is rare, every 4-5 months or so that he gets in one of these moods for about a week. Other times, he's amazing, just like any good bio dad would be. I allow him to discipline DS because that is the role that he has, but I have told him before

1) I don't expect you to discipline

2) If you can't handle the behavior modification program that we put together with the psychologist, then I will handle it so you don't have to worry about it.

He is fully aware that if at any time he feels like he's taking on too much responsibility, or he feels like he needs a break tell me, I will step in. But don't take it out on my kid.

 

 

 

 

mygirls53
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:43 AM
I would have told him to leave until he cooled his shit your son dont deserve that.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 8, 2013 at 7:43 AM


DH was raised by an extremely strict mother. Kids are to be seen and not heard, kids are to never ask an adult why or what etc. He tries to raise SD and DS the same way.

1) You can't do that with SD because she is visiting. She does not live here, and her mom is not on board with that strict parenting style

2) You can't do that with DS because it causes meltdowns for one and for two, I, his mother, think that is insane and I do not expect my kid to sit down and shut up because adults are in the room.

I don't know if it's anger problems so to speka because it's 3-5 times a year he gets like this for a week or so. I just over compensate by making sure DS and I are busy and not around him much until his attitude is gone. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with it.

Quoting angelmom0405:

I would be mad. I definitely would not keep allowing someone to treat my child that way. My DH has his times he forgets that my son is autistic and deals with things differently but he gets reminded rather quickly. My DH was put on meds for his anger issues and it worked wonders. Maybe your DH needs to go see a dr.



angelmom0405
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:48 AM
Maybe counseling would help get you guys on the same page about raising the kids and help prevent these weeks.


Quoting Anonymous:


DH was raised by an extremely strict mother. Kids are to be seen and not heard, kids are to never ask an adult why or what etc. He tries to raise SD and DS the same way.

1) You can't do that with SD because she is visiting. She does not live here, and her mom is not on board with that strict parenting style

2) You can't do that with DS because it causes meltdowns for one and for two, I, his mother, think that is insane and I do not expect my kid to sit down and shut up because adults are in the room.

I don't know if it's anger problems so to speka because it's 3-5 times a year he gets like this for a week or so. I just over compensate by making sure DS and I are busy and not around him much until his attitude is gone. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with it.


Quoting angelmom0405:

I would be mad. I definitely would not keep allowing someone to treat my child that way. My DH has his times he forgets that my son is autistic and deals with things differently but he gets reminded rather quickly. My DH was put on meds for his anger issues and it worked wonders. Maybe your DH needs to go see a dr.





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