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Help Vs. Indulgence – How Much Is Enough?

Posted by on May. 8, 2013 at 11:49 PM
  • 23 Replies

“When and how do you stop funding your grownup kids? 

http://evilstepmom.org/articles.php?article=A105FD

At what age should children be expected to earn some money/pay for some of their own wants? 


by on May. 8, 2013 at 11:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2013 at 11:56 PM
2 moms liked this
When I was growing up when I became of an age where I was old enough to work and wanted extra things I was expected to earn it. Dh and I feel the same with the kids. When they are 16 and want extras (and yes we consider driving and insurance extra as well as cell phones at that point). They will have to work if they want it.
Even now we don't do allowance. If the kids want to earn money towards a want they seek out extra jobs around the house to earn a paycheck to get what they want.
sarawags
by on May. 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM


Thank you - I strongly agree!

I have no desire whatsoever to have our kids living with/off from us for life - teaching them life skills in order to someday live independently is HIGHLY important to me - ;) 


Quoting MommySabs:

When I was growing up when I became of an age where I was old enough to work and wanted extra things I was expected to earn it. Dh and I feel the same with the kids. When they are 16 and want extras (and yes we consider driving and insurance extra as well as cell phones at that point). They will have to work if they want it.
Even now we don't do allowance. If the kids want to earn money towards a want they seek out extra jobs around the house to earn a paycheck to get what they want.



MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2013 at 12:06 AM
2 moms liked this
Jmo but I feel that part of my job as a parent (and dh as one) is too teach my kids to be productive independent adults. The 'paycheck' covers two bird with one stone. They learn that you earn money you arent handed it and also they learn skills they will need to care for themselves- example currently ods is learning the intricacies of laundry beyond throw it in and turn it on.
I have friends whose kids and skids are going to college soon and can't do basic things for themselves - I feel like being a grown up is hard enough, making it harder by not preparing them for the basic stuff is doing them a disservice.


Quoting sarawags:


Thank you - I strongly agree!

I have no desire whatsoever to have our kids living with/off from us for life - teaching them life skills in order to someday live independently is HIGHLY important to me - ;) 



Quoting MommySabs:

When I was growing up when I became of an age where I was old enough to work and wanted extra things I was expected to earn it. Dh and I feel the same with the kids. When they are 16 and want extras (and yes we consider driving and insurance extra as well as cell phones at that point). They will have to work if they want it.

Even now we don't do allowance. If the kids want to earn money towards a want they seek out extra jobs around the house to earn a paycheck to get what they want.





Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2013 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this
The article mentioned sabotage by the other parent, and unfortunately, that does occur. DH (CP) and I expect the kids to do chores around the house to earn money if they want something. We expect them to seek jobs when they're 16, and we've offered to match their contribution toward a first car. We'll pay for college as long as they're keeping grades up and also working to help themselves along. Meanwhile, BM throws money at them during her weekends, has promised new cars (out of DH's pocket, go figure), and actively hinders self-sufficiency. I don't really see that being a problem with SS, but SD's attitude is wholly different. She wants to start earning bc we're not exactly accommodating as an ATM machine, but she's also 100% convinced that we owe her everything BM has promised. I worry her sense of entitlement will be her own stumbling block. :-(
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sarawags
by on May. 9, 2013 at 12:10 AM


Same situation here - amazing how much a vindictive ex is able to poison things - so sad.... 

Quoting Derdriu:

The article mentioned sabotage by the other parent, and unfortunately, that does occur. DH (CP) and I expect the kids to do chores around the house to earn money if they want something. We expect them to seek jobs when they're 16, and we've offered to match their contribution toward a first car. We'll pay for college as long as they're keeping grades up and also working to help themselves along. Meanwhile, BM throws money at them during her weekends, has promised new cars (out of DH's pocket, go figure), and actively hinders self-sufficiency. I don't really see that being a problem with SS, but SD's attitude is wholly different. She wants to start earning bc we're not exactly accommodating as an ATM machine, but she's also 100% convinced that we owe her everything BM has promised. I worry her sense of entitlement will be her own stumbling block. :-(



MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2013 at 12:12 AM
1 mom liked this
That is just damaging to do that to kids regardless of what side it comes from.
Also I feel like the bps who cater and indulge their kids in order to spite breed a resentment with their so towards the kids bc they are being spoiled.


Quoting Derdriu:

The article mentioned sabotage by the other parent, and unfortunately, that does occur. DH (CP) and I expect the kids to do chores around the house to earn money if they want something. We expect them to seek jobs when they're 16, and we've offered to match their contribution toward a first car. We'll pay for college as long as they're keeping grades up and also working to help themselves along. Meanwhile, BM throws money at them during her weekends, has promised new cars (out of DH's pocket, go figure), and actively hinders self-sufficiency. I don't really see that being a problem with SS, but SD's attitude is wholly different. She wants to start earning bc we're not exactly accommodating as an ATM machine, but she's also 100% convinced that we owe her everything BM has promised. I worry her sense of entitlement will be her own stumbling block. :-(

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2013 at 12:18 AM
1 mom liked this
In her case, I would say it's a combination of financial immaturity and desire to buy affection. I really don't think there's anything vindictive about it. She has this idea DH earns about 5x more than reality and thinks the kids deserve a handout, so that part is less about him than it is her general belief that the world owes her. Meanwhile, he negotiated a reduced CS with her because she doesn't budget well and can't afford to pay the standard rate. And what I'm observing is that when one parent has an over-inflated sense of entitlement and victimized outlook, it's difficult to prevent the child from being negatively influenced.


Quoting sarawags:


Same situation here - amazing how much a vindictive ex is able to poison things - so sad.... 


Quoting Derdriu:

The article mentioned sabotage by the other parent, and unfortunately, that does occur. DH (CP) and I expect the kids to do chores around the house to earn money if they want something. We expect them to seek jobs when they're 16, and we've offered to match their contribution toward a first car. We'll pay for college as long as they're keeping grades up and also working to help themselves along. Meanwhile, BM throws money at them during her weekends, has promised new cars (out of DH's pocket, go figure), and actively hinders self-sufficiency. I don't really see that being a problem with SS, but SD's attitude is wholly different. She wants to start earning bc we're not exactly accommodating as an ATM machine, but she's also 100% convinced that we owe her everything BM has promised. I worry her sense of entitlement will be her own stumbling block. :-(





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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2013 at 12:58 AM
1 mom liked this

The kids get an allowance, however, they are required to EARN the allowance. We talked about how it's like a paycheck from work; you do the work you get the money to spend. SD 12 and DS 10 earn $5 a week. They are responsible for keeping their rooms picked up, keeping their bathroom clean, putting their laundry away, making sure the trash gets out, and putting away the clean dishes. If their jobs get done every day, on Friday they earn $5 each. DD6 and DD5 have less chores, but also only get $1 a week.

There have been times when we've had to tell them, "sorry, you didn't do your job, you don't get paid."

SD may not ever be able to drive due to her disabilities, if at 16 it turns out that she can safely drive, the same rules will apply to her as DS. The requirement is: you are responsible for your portion of the insurance as well as any gas to put into your car (that includes going to school, going to work, or going with friends). That money can be earned through a regular job, or it can be earned through work at home (household chores, yardwork, etc). Either way, they will be responsible for somehow earning that money.

Once they are 18 and have graduated high school (sd will be 20 when she graduates due to her special needs) they will either work and pay some type of rent, or they will go to school full time (however, they will be responsible for their own spending money and insurance and gas money).

SD may very well end up living with us forever and then eventually one of her siblings once we pass. We've just applied for social security for her and if that comes through that will eventually go towards her living expenses as an adult (currently our plans for it are to fund extra therapies that our insurance wont cover but that we can't afford out of pocket). 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 9, 2013 at 1:26 AM
1 mom liked this
That's subjective. My mom still does things for me but she isn't supporting me or paying my bills. She will buy us groceries on occasion because she wants to. It really bothers me because we can buy our own but my mom just seems to have too much money lying around and likes to share. She buys my kids clothes and toys. Every Monday when she gets the kids for us, she's buying them something. I lived with my parents until I was 19, I didn't have to pay rent as long as I was in school full time. I didn't have to buy anything at all for myself as long as I was in school full time. Meals, clothes, gas, whatever; as long as I was in school full time.
Once I moved out that all stopped. Except for the gifting. Mom likes to buy gifts so that probably won't ever stop.
When I moved back in after my divorce, they never paid my bills for me but they provided a roof and meals for us. And still, the gifts. It is not uncommon for my mom to take my sister and I shopping for a nice outfit here and there because she wants to. No bills are being paid, she's just gifting. I hope I am in a financial position to do that for my kids one day. It makes her happy to be able to do nice things for us. Pay our bills? She wouldn't do that. Buy our dinner, get the kids some toys and clothes, buy gifts in the form of clothing, accessories for our homes/wants that we may have mentioned, she does that a lot. My husband made a comment last year that we needed a hedge trimmer but wanted to try them out first because he had never had one before. A couple days later, my mom brought over a hedge trimmer.... Lol just in total shock. She just enjoys doing that. And if we tell her NO and demand that she stop, it offends her. She would rather spend the money than to leave it to us. Lol
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sarawags
by on May. 9, 2013 at 1:31 AM

Too funny!  I think we may have the same mom - no joke ... ;) 

Quoting momof2ex1:

That's subjective. My mom still does things for me but she isn't supporting me or paying my bills. She will buy us groceries on occasion because she wants to. It really bothers me because we can buy our own but my mom just seems to have too much money lying around and likes to share. She buys my kids clothes and toys. Every Monday when she gets the kids for us, she's buying them something. I lived with my parents until I was 19, I didn't have to pay rent as long as I was in school full time. I didn't have to buy anything at all for myself as long as I was in school full time. Meals, clothes, gas, whatever; as long as I was in school full time.
Once I moved out that all stopped. Except for the gifting. Mom likes to buy gifts so that probably won't ever stop.
When I moved back in after my divorce, they never paid my bills for me but they provided a roof and meals for us. And still, the gifts. It is not uncommon for my mom to take my sister and I shopping for a nice outfit here and there because she wants to. No bills are being paid, she's just gifting. I hope I am in a financial position to do that for my kids one day. It makes her happy to be able to do nice things for us. Pay our bills? She wouldn't do that. Buy our dinner, get the kids some toys and clothes, buy gifts in the form of clothing, accessories for our homes/wants that we may have mentioned, she does that a lot. My husband made a comment last year that we needed a hedge trimmer but wanted to try them out first because he had never had one before. A couple days later, my mom brought over a hedge trimmer.... Lol just in total shock. She just enjoys doing that. And if we tell her NO and demand that she stop, it offends her. She would rather spend the money than to leave it to us. Lol



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