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Feeling Whelmed as a BM/SM

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 21 Replies

Basically I have been married for 3years together for 4 years.  I have a ds2 and a sd4.  My dh share 50/50 with bm mom.  Lately i have been feeling over whelmed and finding myself upset more often.  My dh is a wonderful husband and father.  Our life consist of work and kids 24/7.

So a little back ground My dh works full-time graveyard shift.  I work every weekend part-time.  I am the primary caregiver in my house including to my sd.  My dh and bm have EVERYTHING seperately for sd and thats including drs, dentist, birthdays, holidays.  So basically bm and sf is sd primary parents at they home and dh and myself is primary parents in our home.  Its never been a time where bm and dh every worked together except being forced in court.  So Mon-fri Im dealing with the kids all day except 6 hours out the day while they are at school.  Im the one cooking, cleaning, doing homework, bathing, doing hair, getting school clothes together, giving medicine etc.  schduleing doctor/dentist appts even taking them my dh do come with me though.


lately I have been feeling like leaving my sd out on alot of things so I do not have to watch her and do things for her to give my self some slack.  when my ds is alone with me he is fine calm and less active.  when my sd is alone she is fine and more calm and less active but them two together drives me nuts half the time.  As long as my dh is with us its alot eaiser for me but when he is not its when I feel very over whelmed and I always feel like telling my dh to keep sd at home with him and me and my ds will be back later.  I know that is not right and my sd wouldnt like that because she loves to be with me and be around me, but I do get tired.  Like this afternoon we had plans to take the kids to my nephew(my baby) little birthday party at chuck e cheese and my dh was coming with us to help with our 2 wild kids.  My dh is now currently sick and he cannot come any more and I cannot change my mind and not go to the party because for 1 my kids are aware of the party and have asked about every hour is it 5:00 yet.  I also cant miss the party because my nephew is like my baby I cant miss anything of his things. My nephew mother and I are twins and its like her kids is my kids and my kids are her kids type thing its a twin thing.  Soon as I was aware that my dh was sick i still got a little mad inside because once again im stuck taking both kids out alone and have to chase them around chuck e cheese for 2 hours and to top it off its mothers day weekend.  I feel upset and very over whelmed again!!.....I actually was about to text my dh last night while he was a work and asked him if he can keep his dd at home with him or ask his mom if she can keep her while i take my ds to the party because I'm very tired and over whelmed but i cant miss the party.  I earsed it and thought about it sounds so bad to say that to him.  So looks like I will be there chashing two toodlers around on the weekend I was suppose to relax.


The only true break I get is when I am a work and when my sd is with her mom but it seems like the days go by so fast when she is not with us and she comes right back. 


I understand my dh works a very hard shift 12am-8am and be extremely tired when he gets off work and he also have a sleeping problem where sometimes he cant go to sleep, it would take hours for him to actually fall asleep after work.  Dont get me wrong if i want to do something, have time to myself or get a break he would keep them with no problem tired and all but the whole time I am away im worried if he have fell asleep on them and a few times that have happened. 


I need some advice on what I can do to not feel so over whelmed and soon as I do feel that way my 1st thought is feeling like dumping sd off.  My dh and I do not have alot of support we only have each other and we have my mom which helps out every weekend by picking the kids up every saturday and sunday at 6am and keeping them until 9am when dh picks them up after he gets off work.  My MIL doesnt really help out much berely she will the kids have to be screaming crying to stay with her for her to say that they can stay over her house.

Posted by Anonymous on May. 11, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 11, 2013 at 12:50 PM
Maybe have your sd live with her mom and just spend weekends with dad?
amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 11, 2013 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this

What's the point of dad having 50/50 if he doesn't see the child due to his work schedule?

ramita
by Silver Member on May. 11, 2013 at 12:59 PM
I understand were you are coming from. I'm a BM to 2 girls and a SM to 1 boy. It can be VERY overwhelming when I have all 3 by myself (like today). It's not so bad on me after school because its only a couple hours before my DH gets home, but today he's gone for the better part of the day. I would recommend anytime you can just take 1 of them with you. For instance, going grocery shopping take your DS one week and then SD the next. With various appointments if you can take one. If you have to take both pack things for them to do while waiting. I pack various coloring books, they each have their own crayons, they pick a book to read/have read to them, etc. It's a lot to pack, but it makes appointments so much easier.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 11, 2013 at 1:08 PM

Her mom works 2 jobs she going threw a tuff time and she works weekends as well.  So when she is with her mom she really at her aunts house or her sf is keeping her while mom works.  My dh see his kids everyday Im saying that Me having so much work to do for both kids is making me feel over whelmed more and more.  Im trying to find a way to let go some of that work and have a little rest time so i will not be so over whelmed on the regular like i have felt these last 3 weeks and with out making my sd feel like she isnt loved by me anymore or showing favoritism to my ds.  Also not making my dh feel like i dont want his dd around.

Quoting amantonacci:

What's the point of dad having 50/50 if he doesn't see the child due to his work schedule?


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 11, 2013 at 1:09 PM

Her mom is going threw a tuff time and is working 2 jobs to keep a roof over her head

Quoting whatIknownow:

Maybe have your sd live with her mom and just spend weekends with dad?


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 11, 2013 at 1:14 PM

Yes i do that now it works for a short while but they are always fighting who gets to sit next to mom, They are very comparison with EVERYTHING.  They fight and argue so much and my ds he is a mamas boy and my sd is to.  so when my sd is with us my ds really acts out because if my sd even wants to hold my hand instead of him holding my other hand he fighting trying to push her away from holding my hand.  So imagine up walkin and u see 2 little kids fight to hold my hand when i have 2 hands.  but ill try that taking 1 kid with me as much as possible atleast that way they will both have one on one time with me.

Quoting ramita:

I understand were you are coming from. I'm a BM to 2 girls and a SM to 1 boy. It can be VERY overwhelming when I have all 3 by myself (like today). It's not so bad on me after school because its only a couple hours before my DH gets home, but today he's gone for the better part of the day. I would recommend anytime you can just take 1 of them with you. For instance, going grocery shopping take your DS one week and then SD the next. With various appointments if you can take one. If you have to take both pack things for them to do while waiting. I pack various coloring books, they each have their own crayons, they pick a book to read/have read to them, etc. It's a lot to pack, but it makes appointments so much easier.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on May. 11, 2013 at 1:15 PM

Not sure what's going on...  As far as I can tell, you have daycare for them M-F for 6 hours.  I am assuming that it is during the day when your DH is sleeping.  When does he wake up?  My dad worked graveyard and I think because of it, I saw him more than most kids see their dad.  S, I am going to assume that dad is awake from about dinner time on.  So I am thinking that you have his help for about at least half the time you have the kids.  Plus you get 6 hours every day all to yourself.

plus BM has SD every other week.  So really, you barely have the kids on your own for very much.

Is it that DH uses his schedule as an excuse not to help parent his kids?  Because that would be an issue.

What is the real issue?  Because if having two kids on your own for as little time as you truly have your kids on your own is as stressful for you as you are saying, then something else is wrong.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 11, 2013 at 1:28 PM

You have mis understood.  I have my son all day and night except 6 hrs out of the day while he is at school.  I have my sd is on a 2-2-5-5 schdule.  So we have her 2 full days than she see her mom for 2 days than come back for 5 full days then 2 and so on.  When she is here I have a 6 hour break from her as well.  I still have to clean, cook, get clothes together for them.  My job isnt over when they leave for school it just less stop sit down, do not do that no hitting etc.  its more labor work.  My dh gets home from work around 8:30am 9am kids already gone to school.  My dh sometimes have a problem going straight to sleep to where he can be dead tied and lay down with a full stomach and still do not go to sleep he may fall asleep between 10am & 12am depending on his body.  If its a good day he may wake up around 2 or 3 when the kids get home jumping on him etc.  then he goes back to sleep around 6pm after dinner and sleep until i wake him up at 10pm for him to get ready for work.

Quoting pdxmum:

Not sure what's going on...  As far as I can tell, you have daycare for them M-F for 6 hours.  I am assuming that it is during the day when your DH is sleeping.  When does he wake up?  My dad worked graveyard and I think because of it, I saw him more than most kids see their dad.  S, I am going to assume that dad is awake from about dinner time on.  So I am thinking that you have his help for about at least half the time you have the kids.  Plus you get 6 hours every day all to yourself.

plus BM has SD every other week.  So really, you barely have the kids on your own for very much.BM does not have sd every week.  i have my ds and my sd majority of the time, my son all day every day excpet 6 hrs out the day or if im at work.

Is it that DH uses his schedule as an excuse not to help parent his kids?  Because that would be an issue.My dh doesnt use any excuse he be very tired for not sleeping  a full 8 hrs but when he does get a chance to on a good day he does help me but it isnt often.  On the weekends he has bem from the time he off work until its time for me to get off then he goes to sleep for work that night.  If I did ask my dh to keep the kids while im out he would with no problem its just that i be very worried that he will fall asleep on them and that has happen that he did fall asleep on the kids. Their 2 and 4 so they need 24 hour watch.

What is the real issue?  Because if having two kids on your own for as little time as you truly have your kids on your own is as stressful for you as you are saying, then something else is wrong  .im having a hard time trying to find  a way to express this to dh about me being over whelmed having the kids without making him feel like i dont want to have his dd around, or making my sd feel like i dont love her or showing favoritism to my ds.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 11, 2013 at 2:25 PM
Sounds like it's not SDs fault that DS is causing so much chaos and acting out. Maybe exclude him for a while so he can shape up. That's what I do with my bio kids. We have the same problems. They are bio siblings and everything you describe I have experienced as well. It's a sibling thing. Fighting for attention. There is nothing wrong with having one on one time with your child. I get one on one with my son when my dd is with her dad. I don't feel guilty about it either. Teach your son that he can share and that he can't act up this way. OR let your husband know that you aren't able to be the caretaker anymore for his daughter. Because it's too stressful. I get it and I wouldn't blame you a bit if you did. It's a shame this child has two parents that are unavailable to her. She is kind of getting the short end of the stick here. Poor girl. I feel for her.


Quoting Anonymous:

Yes i do that now it works for a short while but they are always fighting who gets to sit next to mom, They are very comparison with EVERYTHING.  They fight and argue so much and my ds he is a mamas boy and my sd is to.  so when my sd is with us my ds really acts out because if my sd even wants to hold my hand instead of him holding my other hand he fighting trying to push her away from holding my hand.  So imagine up walkin and u see 2 little kids fight to hold my hand when i have 2 hands.  but ill try that taking 1 kid with me as much as possible atleast that way they will both have one on one time with me.

Quoting ramita:

I understand were you are coming from. I'm a BM to 2 girls and a SM to 1 boy. It can be VERY overwhelming when I have all 3 by myself (like today). It's not so bad on me after school because its only a couple hours before my DH gets home, but today he's gone for the better part of the day. I would recommend anytime you can just take 1 of them with you. For instance, going grocery shopping take your DS one week and then SD the next. With various appointments if you can take one. If you have to take both pack things for them to do while waiting. I pack various coloring books, they each have their own crayons, they pick a book to read/have read to them, etc. It's a lot to pack, but it makes appointments so much easier.



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ramita
by Silver Member on May. 11, 2013 at 3:14 PM
1 mom liked this
My youngest one does that. She can't stand anyone touching me without her touching me first. Take turns letting them pick which hand to hold, and make them take turns sitting next to you when you can't sit in the middle. It's hard to do sometimes, but it doees help you reinforce the idea of sharing.


Quoting Anonymous:

Yes i do that now it works for a short while but they are always fighting who gets to sit next to mom, They are very comparison with EVERYTHING.  They fight and argue so much and my ds he is a mamas boy and my sd is to.  so when my sd is with us my ds really acts out because if my sd even wants to hold my hand instead of him holding my other hand he fighting trying to push her away from holding my hand.  So imagine up walkin and u see 2 little kids fight to hold my hand when i have 2 hands.  but ill try that taking 1 kid with me as much as possible atleast that way they will both have one on one time with me.

Quoting ramita:

I understand were you are coming from. I'm a BM to 2 girls and a SM to 1 boy. It can be VERY overwhelming when I have all 3 by myself (like today). It's not so bad on me after school because its only a couple hours before my DH gets home, but today he's gone for the better part of the day. I would recommend anytime you can just take 1 of them with you. For instance, going grocery shopping take your DS one week and then SD the next. With various appointments if you can take one. If you have to take both pack things for them to do while waiting. I pack various coloring books, they each have their own crayons, they pick a book to read/have read to them, etc. It's a lot to pack, but it makes appointments so much easier.



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