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My Children Don't Talk Bad About Their Step Father Because Both I As Well As My Ex Won't Allow It

Posted by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:06 PM
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3 moms liked this

I don't mean to sound sassy here - but honestly - we never have to deal with issues in our step/blended family home when it comes to my DD's - they are 7 and 11 and actually on their own worry instead about whether or not their SDad has to work too hard for our family.  

They are taught that they are children, adults are to be respected, and things are to be appreciated and grateful for - "Count your many blessings" <- my mom sang it to me as a child and we've also followed in this nighttime tradition - 

Maybe the whole skids complaints and issues wouldn't be as much a problem in general (as we deal with too per my own skids) if the parents themselves didn't play such a role in creating the issues to begin with - 

This is currently my opinion - please do feel absolutely free to discuss and disagree with - thanks - ;) 


**No I do not have perfect kids - nor do I pretend they are - they too had initially attempted to use the poor me/I'm a victim/he's mean thing - once - and in response both myself as well as their Dad addressed in a manner that they knew that this kind of thing wasn't going to fly/be accepted - 

by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:06 PM
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sarawags
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:08 PM

He's also a really good man and worthy of this admiration - but even at times when this may have been legitimately questionable (worthy of respect and love - human make mistakes sometimes) - the rules and expectations per my DD's behavior and attitude regarding still stood firm. 

sarawags
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:19 PM
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Agree - but truth is - 96% (ish) of the things I hear people bring up about the "injustice" their child is being dealt with from their step parent is in reality - not really this big make an issue out of deal. 

When did "I don't like the way they do that differently than from what I'm used to" become this big - OH MY POOR ENDANGERED CHILD! - deal?

Being a former step child - I too initially tried this shit - heck, I was really good at it too - being a bitter preteen and all - but my mom didn't let it fly - so I didn't dwell on - 

Basically, I think we need to be careful to not raise kids who will struggle through life with this false sense of victimhood mentality - does that make sense?


Quoting chanizen:

I listen when kids complain.  But then I try to reframe it for them...lids have a right to feelings and empathy. But it doesn't mean that they are in charge or can be rude....



MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 11, 2013 at 4:20 PM
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Amen sister! I am a bad bad person for expressing that often times we bring it on ourselves and play into the drama and the kids learn that and learn they can get their way if they complain about the righ thing and can play both sides.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 11, 2013 at 4:21 PM
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We never have any issues with any of the kids being horribly disrespectful.

SD has her moments now and again, but I chalk that up to hormones (she'll be 13 next month) and the stress of BM not being consistent. 

Lasttime
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:21 PM
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Same exact thing here OP.  There is a very, very DISTINCT difference between my two kids and his two kids.  He'll even tell you that.  I didn't spend my divorce trash talking my ex to my kids and I EXPECTED respect from my kids for everyone, especially elders, etc.  They didn't get any free pass on anything just because they were children of divorce.  I really think that's part of the problem...people allow too many kids to behave differently and they treat them like "victims"...then they allow more misbehavior.  BM called my DH an 'asshole' in front of the kids, yelled at him in front of them, told them all about their personal, divorce issues and raised issue with EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN.  It's no wonder the respect factor is way off.

sarawags
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:21 PM


Agree!  And OF COURSE THEY DO!  They're kids!!! Not adults yet - need to be brought up/taught/enriched/nurtured ... ;) 

Quoting MommySabs:

Amen sister! I am a bad bad person for expressing that often times we bring it on ourselves and play into the drama and the kids learn that and learn they can get their way if they complain about the righ thing and can play both sides.



HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on May. 11, 2013 at 4:24 PM
I would have trouble counseling my kids to count SM as a blessing as she has multiple times, in front of them, asked BF to chooses between her and them. Further, BF and SM then moved to Florida and 'can't afford' for him to see his kids (the move was a choice - neither had a job). It is equally hard to encourage respect for her. We aim for thinking of ways to stay under her radar - also advice by DS's therapist. Then BF is happy - no conflict - and they can have some time with dad.

We do encourage finding joy in every day and trying not to dwell on the negative.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 11, 2013 at 4:26 PM
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Dss tried it once all hell broke loose. Bm screaming crying calling and hanging up threats of police involvement. Dh actually lost his cool and started freaking out right back- a MESS. Well dh and her boyf figured out what dss was doing trying to play both sides and they shut it down and they sat him down and had a chat. It hasn't happened since, but I guarantee if it had we would be dealing with it over and over bc he got away with it once why not a bunch more times.


Quoting sarawags:


Agree!  And OF COURSE THEY DO!  They're kids!!! Not adults yet - need to be brought up/taught/enriched/nurtured ... ;) 


Quoting MommySabs:

Amen sister! I am a bad bad person for expressing that often times we bring it on ourselves and play into the drama and the kids learn that and learn they can get their way if they complain about the righ thing and can play both sides.





sarawags
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:26 PM

While at times (often at beginning of week after being with bm - not at all towards end) we will hear from my Skids that they are "miserable" or that they are "bored" - my children know that "bored" is pretty much the worse swear word they could say - and "miserable"?? - I highly doubt this concept even enters there minds!

Upset, frustrated, sad sometimes - yes - they have been - it's called normal life in general and not something just reserved especcially for poor little old me stepkids - but feeling like they have the right to call their cushy priveledged - so very blessed - loves - MISERABLE?!!

oh he'll no 


sarawags
by on May. 11, 2013 at 4:29 PM


Well said!  Curb it from the get go and it won't most likely be a "sabatoge your MARRIAGE" issue to begin with - THIS is the advice new to be step parents should most be hearing! 

Quoting MommySabs:

Dss tried it once all hell broke loose. Bm screaming crying calling and hanging up threats of police involvement. Dh actually lost his cool and started freaking out right back- a MESS. Well dh and her boyf figured out what dss was doing trying to play both sides and they shut it down and they sat him down and had a chat. It hasn't happened since, but I guarantee if it had we would be dealing with it over and over bc he got away with it once why not a bunch more times.


Quoting sarawags:


Agree!  And OF COURSE THEY DO!  They're kids!!! Not adults yet - need to be brought up/taught/enriched/nurtured ... ;) 


Quoting MommySabs:

Amen sister! I am a bad bad person for expressing that often times we bring it on ourselves and play into the drama and the kids learn that and learn they can get their way if they complain about the righ thing and can play both sides.







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