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Advice for a friend/Debate

Posted by on May. 12, 2013 at 2:11 AM
  • 21 Replies

   Long story short: Friend of mine is dating guy. They are semi-serious, possibly moving in together next month. They've been dating since February, maybe. Kid sitch: she has full custody of her DS(8) with no BF involvement in 2 years, he has EOWE with his DD(10). BM lives by my friend & me, so somewhere in a small section of our town, no more than 5 minutes drive time through this area, BF (friends boyfriend) lives a few towns over (maybe 15-20 minutes from us). 

  Friend comes over this morning, and is all excited that BM dropped the kid off for dad's visitation at my friend's house, so BM MUST be fine with her in the daughter's life!!! Me: "Didn't you take "SD" to cheer leading registration and fittings?" Friend: "Yes." Me: "Well, she showed up at the 2nd registration and fitting two weeks later, and had her re-fitted. So, I don't think she's that comfortable, she was probably just saving gas and drive time. Tread lightly." Friend: "Well, I want to Facebook message her and ask if I can take "SD" shopping to buy BF a Father's Day present and get her cheer leading shoes."  Me: "Bad idea. Tell BF you're going to have some girly bonding time and go shopping." Friend: "I don't want to take away from his time." Me: "So you feel you have the right to ask her to give up her time?" Friend: "She gets more time with SD." Me: "I doubt she will look at it that way. You've never spoken to the woman, and she went through getting SD refitted, which as you know, is a giant pain in the ass. She gave me a little bit of an attitude at first because she thought I was you (BM has only seen pictures of my friend, and we do look freakishly similar, we are confused by people all the time, they call us the doppelg√§ngers), but lightened up when SD confirmed that I was not. I don't think you're 'fine.' Tread lightly, Mom claws are a scary thing." I don't think she's going to listen. 

 In my BM shoes, there's no way I'd hand my kid over to dad's newish girlfriend. If they had an established relationship and I knew her, then of course I would, but only if she had a good relationship with my kids- a REAL good relationship, not my kids saying they met dad's GF 6 times and they think she's nice. If BF's girlfriend/fianc√©/wife took my little girl to her first cheerleading fitting behind my back? You would see a level of batshit crazy like you've never dreamed of. My DD isn't in EC's yet, but my son's BF and I do everything together, at least the firsts. He's grown bored of football fittings and registrations, so it's my job now (happily, I sit on the board of directors, so I have to be there anyways), but if I need BF to take DS, he will do it. I do not believe in a "step" stepping on a bios toes (if both bios are extremely involved, if BM is a POS, step all over), especially if the step's bio-SO isn't going to be involved in the activity, at least make the other BP aware and give the option (slight back story, SD & BM planned on SD joining cheerleading, we as the board did a shitty job of making people aware of the first fitting, so it was mainly just returning cheerleaders, friend knew because her DS plays football for the same team). BM was excited for cheerleading, she was anticipating the forms coming home from school (they were sent home the following Monday). If I were BM, I would be livid, especially knowing BF wasn't even there. 

My SM and/or dad's GF shoes? I have dated men w/kids, and I was married to a man with a kid. The only time I've ever been comfortable to take away BM's time was with an ex-boyfriend's DD, ONLY because BM & I had a great relationship, SD & I had a great relationship, it was BM who started referring to me as SM, and even SD's other mom. She wasn't even legally my SD. Hell, we've been broken up for almost 9 years and we still call each other SM & SD, and BM still loves me. The others? 2 boyfriends with kids, 1 legal SS, I would never dream of taking away BM's time or stepping on BM's toes. I never stepped on SD's BM's toes, either. BM or SD would call me and ask me. I did SD's hair for dances, I taught her to drive, all at BM's request. I just feel it's extremely wrong to shut out a good, involved parent. Yes, my douchebag exH encouraged stuff to be done behind BM's back, I was always the one advocating for her. MommySabs can testify to that. :) BM may have been a bitch, but she loves her kid, is a good mom, and does everything with and for him, exH would try to do stuff behind her back just to be a jerk, I would always thwart it. 

 Did I give bad advice? Did my friend do something shitty with the cheer fittings? Do you think BM should give up time to BF's girlfriend of maybe 2.5 months so they can bond? 

by on May. 12, 2013 at 2:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2013 at 2:23 AM

So they have been dating since February and she thought it was OK to take this girl to cheer fittings?  

your advice Didnt go far enough.  Unless BM is uninvolved, this GF is asking for trouble.  Where is dad in all this?

OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on May. 12, 2013 at 2:44 AM

I was trying to be kind to her, she is wearing hardcore rose colored glasses. Back when her son's BF was involved, SM had a huge overstepping problem, going as far as getting to kindergarten orientation really early and introducing herself as mom, and when the child got his first stitches and was in the ER, SM told the hospital that she was mom and they refused BM entry into the room! BM had to go home and get her court papers, and actually had to carry them on her at all times due to SM's lies. BM is custodial, SM, BF & son all have same last name, BM does not have the last name, as she and BF never married, so it was never questioned when SM said she was mom. Yes, BM has always had full custody. So, she knows what it's like to be in her boyfriend's ex's shoes. 

 I guess Dad is okay with this, he told my friend to take the daughter. From what I understand, BM & BF have a tense relationship. Not shitty, but tense. They don't cause problems for each other, but they don't get along either. I think my friend is going to be the cause of a lot of fights. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2013 at 4:14 AM
Ugh this is my problem. Dd has the same last name as dad and SM and I get left out of a lot of emails from school bc of it. I've had to flag her file and have a sit down meeting. I am custodial. I am the only parent with legal rights regarding education and I WILL be contacted regarding my child's care. The other crappy thing. Sm and I have the same initials. So that confused the school as well. Blah.


Quoting OverIt1003:

I was trying to be kind to her, she is wearing hardcore rose colored glasses. Back when her son's BF was involved, SM had a huge overstepping problem, going as far as getting to kindergarten orientation really early and introducing herself as mom, and when the child got his first stitches and was in the ER, SM told the hospital that she was mom and they refused BM entry into the room! BM had to go home and get her court papers, and actually had to carry them on her at all times due to SM's lies. BM is custodial, SM, BF & son all have same last name, BM does not have the last name, as she and BF never married, so it was never questioned when SM said she was mom. Yes, BM has always had full custody. So, she knows what it's like to be in her boyfriend's ex's shoes. 

 I guess Dad is okay with this, he told my friend to take the daughter. From what I understand, BM & BF have a tense relationship. Not shitty, but tense. They don't cause problems for each other, but they don't get along either. I think my friend is going to be the cause of a lot of fights. 


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MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 12, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Oh no!!!! I obviously have figured out who you are talking about. I am surprised bc she is the last person, bc of what she went through, to act like this!
I know it's delicate but she is gearing up for a rude awakening. She is dancing with the devil of overstepping here. It sounds to me like bm is very uncomfortable with her level of involvement but is trying to hold on to their delicate balance. Friend needs to back the fuck off. She has a big personality and she is going to cause a holy war if she doesn't take those rose colored glasses off and calm down.
I have a feeling she is excited to have a girl to do girl things with but she just needs to be more realistic.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2013 at 9:17 AM

If she really wants to have a good relationship with the child and bm, she needs to reconsider her approach.  Getting all up in someone's personalbusiness is a sure fire way to get them to tell you to butt out.

So she needs to decide what her personal mission is:  the short term where bf sees her as a liking his dd and going out of her way.  Or the long term where she becomes a positive influence who creates joy and has a positive relationship.  

In the short term, what will happen is dad will be delighted.  Then when mom shuts that overstepping off (and she will, it's inappropriate) and refuses to allow more time (because sm has no respect for boundaries)... She will have war.   

Or she can play the long game.  Be kind, be friendly.  Develop a positive relationship.  Be a resource who is trusted by all.

Question is... Can she see her own agenda?  Most people can't 

jlg12678
by Gold Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:02 AM
3 moms liked this

I'm just going to throw this out there...

while I agree that sm is overstepping, this honestly falls back on her boyfriend. Not all, but many stepmoms/girlfriends/whatever do what is encouraged or condoned by their partner. Why did dad introduce her to this girl after only dating 2.5 months much less give her the go ahead to do all this? He is setting her and the relationship up to fail. 

I really believe that if more bios not only took the time but the effort to set boundaries and take things slow this type of scenario wouldn't occur as often as it does. My ex and I have never had an issue with my dh or stepmom doing anything the other wouldn't be ok with because we made sure not to allow it in the first place.

amantonacci
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:26 AM

wow... what does this child's father think of his crazy girlfriend? and what about her kid, he's gotta be freaked out by his mom acting nuts.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:38 AM
I think you need to explain to your friend that bonding with the girl and having girly outings to impress or spoil BD is not BM's concern, nor should she have to accommodate it. She's making some really bad assumptions about her relationship with BM that's apt to cause some fights. Further, after what you wrote about her own experiences, I can't believe she doesn't get the whole overstepping SM thing. She's been in the BM's shoes. WTH?
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packermomof2
by on May. 12, 2013 at 11:04 AM

You gave her the right advice.  Your friend is on the path that a lot of newbie gf's are when their man has kids involved and she's going to possibly end up screwing herself here and causing problems, no matter what her intentions are (the road to hell is paved with good intentions, after all). 

 

OverIt1003
by MaxNMakennasMom on May. 12, 2013 at 11:09 AM


Quoting jlg12678:

I'm just going to throw this out there...

while I agree that sm is overstepping, this honestly falls back on her boyfriend. Not all, but many stepmoms/girlfriends/whatever do what is encouraged or condoned by their partner. Why did dad introduce her to this girl after only dating 2.5 months much less give her the go ahead to do all this? He is setting her and the relationship up to fail. 

I really believe that if more bios not only took the time but the effort to set boundaries and take things slow this type of scenario wouldn't occur as often as it does. My ex and I have never had an issue with my dh or stepmom doing anything the other wouldn't be ok with because we made sure not to allow it in the first place.

I can't disagree with you. :) He is partially to blame, although I do place blame on my friend, because she's been there (in BM's shoes). I have yet to see the 4 of them (friend, BF & their respective kids) all together, I've never even met the little girl outside of that one cheer registration, and I made no indication that the woman BM thought I was is actually one of my closest friends. I will get to know BM & the kid well, however, as I got sucked in to being that level's cheer coach. Oh shit...... I just realized that friend asked the head advisor if she could help coach.... The head advisor said absolutely, friend was the cheer coach for the littlest girls two years ago. I'm not the head advisor, I'm the assistant head advisor, so I can't do anything about it. Ohhhhhhhhhhh football season is going to suck.....

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