Long story short: Friend of mine is dating guy. They are semi-serious, possibly moving in together next month. They've been dating since February, maybe. Kid sitch: she has full custody of her DS(8) with no BF involvement in 2 years, he has EOWE with his DD(10). BM lives by my friend & me, so somewhere in a small section of our town, no more than 5 minutes drive time through this area, BF (friends boyfriend) lives a few towns over (maybe 15-20 minutes from us).
Friend comes over this morning, and is all excited that BM dropped the kid off for dad's visitation at my friend's house, so BM MUST be fine with her in the daughter's life!!! Me: "Didn't you take "SD" to cheer leading registration and fittings?" Friend: "Yes." Me: "Well, she showed up at the 2nd registration and fitting two weeks later, and had her re-fitted. So, I don't think she's that comfortable, she was probably just saving gas and drive time. Tread lightly." Friend: "Well, I want to Facebook message her and ask if I can take "SD" shopping to buy BF a Father's Day present and get her cheer leading shoes." Me: "Bad idea. Tell BF you're going to have some girly bonding time and go shopping." Friend: "I don't want to take away from his time." Me: "So you feel you have the right to ask her to give up her time?" Friend: "She gets more time with SD." Me: "I doubt she will look at it that way. You've never spoken to the woman, and she went through getting SD refitted, which as you know, is a giant pain in the ass. She gave me a little bit of an attitude at first because she thought I was you (BM has only seen pictures of my friend, and we do look freakishly similar, we are confused by people all the time, they call us the doppelgängers), but lightened up when SD confirmed that I was not. I don't think you're 'fine.' Tread lightly, Mom claws are a scary thing." I don't think she's going to listen.
In my BM shoes, there's no way I'd hand my kid over to dad's newish girlfriend. If they had an established relationship and I knew her, then of course I would, but only if she had a good relationship with my kids- a REAL good relationship, not my kids saying they met dad's GF 6 times and they think she's nice. If BF's girlfriend/fiancé/wife took my little girl to her first cheerleading fitting behind my back? You would see a level of batshit crazy like you've never dreamed of. My DD isn't in EC's yet, but my son's BF and I do everything together, at least the firsts. He's grown bored of football fittings and registrations, so it's my job now (happily, I sit on the board of directors, so I have to be there anyways), but if I need BF to take DS, he will do it. I do not believe in a "step" stepping on a bios toes (if both bios are extremely involved, if BM is a POS, step all over), especially if the step's bio-SO isn't going to be involved in the activity, at least make the other BP aware and give the option (slight back story, SD & BM planned on SD joining cheerleading, we as the board did a shitty job of making people aware of the first fitting, so it was mainly just returning cheerleaders, friend knew because her DS plays football for the same team). BM was excited for cheerleading, she was anticipating the forms coming home from school (they were sent home the following Monday). If I were BM, I would be livid, especially knowing BF wasn't even there.
My SM and/or dad's GF shoes? I have dated men w/kids, and I was married to a man with a kid. The only time I've ever been comfortable to take away BM's time was with an ex-boyfriend's DD, ONLY because BM & I had a great relationship, SD & I had a great relationship, it was BM who started referring to me as SM, and even SD's other mom. She wasn't even legally my SD. Hell, we've been broken up for almost 9 years and we still call each other SM & SD, and BM still loves me. The others? 2 boyfriends with kids, 1 legal SS, I would never dream of taking away BM's time or stepping on BM's toes. I never stepped on SD's BM's toes, either. BM or SD would call me and ask me. I did SD's hair for dances, I taught her to drive, all at BM's request. I just feel it's extremely wrong to shut out a good, involved parent. Yes, my douchebag exH encouraged stuff to be done behind BM's back, I was always the one advocating for her. MommySabs can testify to that. :) BM may have been a bitch, but she loves her kid, is a good mom, and does everything with and for him, exH would try to do stuff behind her back just to be a jerk, I would always thwart it.
Did I give bad advice? Did my friend do something shitty with the cheer fittings? Do you think BM should give up time to BF's girlfriend of maybe 2.5 months so they can bond?