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What Advice Would You Have Given?

Posted by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:29 AM
  • 24 Replies

Coleen Nolan advice - I really don't like his children: Should we break up?


Dear Coleen,

I met a great man 18 months ago. I’m 35 and things are great except for one thing – I really don’t like his children.

He divorced just before we met and has a son and daughter, aged 10 and 13.

They clearly hate me and are rude and surly when we’re all together.

The daughter made a rude comment about my weight and her brother laughed.

His son has awful manners and they have no respect for their dad.

I tried to speak to him about it but he got very defensive and told me his kids will always come first and they’re just going through a difficult time.

Is this too big an issue to ignore? Should I break up with him over it?


Coleen says..

Bringing a step-family together is incredibly hard and I know because I’ve been there.

Everybody is trying to figure out how to make it work and where they fit in – kids especially. However, they still need ground rules.

They’ll rebel against them and hate you for it, but eventually that hate will turn into respect if you’re consistent, kind and fair.

So make a point of picking them up on manners and rudeness.

Of course, their dad will get defensive when you criticise them – a lot of that is probably due to guilt. But you must make him realise that you deserve respect and the relationship will only last if things change.

Never argue with him about this in front of the kids – they’ll pick up on it and play you off against each other.

Lastly, try to remember that they’re only children trying to deal with their parents’ divorce at a difficult age.

Eventually, they’ll end up with two great homes and a good relationship with everybody.

It’ll just take time and patience on your part.



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by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on May. 19, 2013 at 7:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I think she should break up with him, children at that age are extremely difficult for a stepmother, I don't think the relationship is worth it, she should find a man with no children or very young children.
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AMBG825
by on May. 19, 2013 at 7:23 AM
2 moms liked this

 I would have told her to end the relationship.

 

While I do think she is correct about the kids, (hang in there they will eventually come around) that only happens when the parents step in and act like parents. If the dad is already getting defensive when his kids act inappropriately, that is the red flag that needs to be heeded. If he won't correct them when they make nasty comments about her weight, then when it's really bad behavior it won't be corrected either.

FelicityinTexas
by New Member on May. 19, 2013 at 8:58 AM
I would have told her to break up and move on. My step kids are awesome and I love them, our only really problem is BM and she is plenty good at making our lives difficult when she never sets foot in our home. I really don't know how women who don't like their step kids do it! It wouldn't be worth it, in my opinion. Not to mention, if a man raised bratty kids, then he probably isn't all that great of a person anyway.
ramita
by Silver Member on May. 19, 2013 at 9:35 AM
I agree with the others breaking up is her best option. If she has already calmly told her boyfriend that his kids disrespect is hurting her feelings in a nice way outside of the kids earshot, and all he did was get defensive. Then he is not going to change that out look anytime soon. It's not worth the fights, the stress, and the tears this woman with have to endure.
ejsmom4604
by on May. 19, 2013 at 10:33 AM

Definitely leave him and move on. From the sound of it, she is the first relationship after the divorce, my first thought was rebound. That and that the divorce and hurt the kids are going through is still fresh. To top it off with a man whom isn't willing to take anyone elses feelings into consideration and do something when it's his children causing the hurt feelings, so not worth it. 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on May. 19, 2013 at 10:56 AM
1 mom liked this

I think she should leave.  Why do I think that?  Because she should have thought about this when she started dating a man with older kids right out of the gate after divorcing the kids mother.  Did she really think that the kids would be OK with this happening so soon after that?  Older kids don't accept this very well. 

kellynh
by Kelly on May. 19, 2013 at 11:07 AM

Right after a divorce... Oh HELL NO!! Run, fast, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just go. 

packermomof2
by on May. 19, 2013 at 11:42 AM

That isn't what I would say.  I would remind the complainer that she joined their lives rather quickly after their parents divorced and there is going to be a period the kids need to mourn that loss.

Do not try to change things right away, that is the quickest way to really make a couple of kids that are probably hurting not want to be around you.

Unless, of course, that is the plan and the complainer wins when she gets dad and the kids don't come around because dad couldn't fight his battles and needed a newbie to do it for him.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 19, 2013 at 12:07 PM

Time to break up.

Panda113
by Bronze Member on May. 19, 2013 at 12:08 PM
If you don't like kids, don't date a man with kids.
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