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How sorry should we feel for children of divorce?

Posted by on May. 22, 2013 at 6:41 PM
  • 112 Replies

At what point does genuine concern for cross over into making them feel like eternal victims for having divorced parents?


by on May. 22, 2013 at 6:41 PM
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sarawags
by on May. 22, 2013 at 6:43 PM

This isn't a step child related only post - I think about this per my own bio kids as well - and as their responsible for their character "bio" mom - more so. 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on May. 22, 2013 at 6:44 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't think they are to be treated like victims, hopefully their parents are handling their parenting and co-parenting properly and they are not in the middle of parental battles but otherwise, they are just like other children.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

ramita
by Silver Member on May. 22, 2013 at 6:46 PM
2 moms liked this
You can feel bad for them all you want that they have to deal with whatever situation they have to deal with, but that doesn't mean you should let them walk all over you. I feel bad that my kids can't have bday parties like their friends do, but I still expect my kids to follow my rules.
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 22, 2013 at 6:48 PM
4 moms liked this

I think alot of kids from divorce get the shaft in life. But I wouldnt treat them like victims because of it. But I wouldnt go out of my way to make it any harder for them either. That is why my SS got a "dad's wife" instead another "mom". He needed that like he needed a hole in the head. Life was already hard enough for him.


klee001
by on May. 22, 2013 at 6:59 PM
4 moms liked this

i think you have to balance "yeah that sucks" and "love you to the moon and back"  I think making a kid feel victimized b/c of something they had no choice over, is not teaching them good coping skills

granted this is age specific--but all kids have to learn at some point that shit happens and life goes on----perspective 90% of reality

so yeah, divorce sucks for kids, but it's life and teaching them to cope is better than sympathy

sarawags
by on May. 22, 2013 at 7:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Great advice - pity does not lead to healthy self esteem -

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 22, 2013 at 9:24 PM

SD is the child of divorce, her biological parents were never together at any point during her life. And to me, that's a bit different than a child who spent time with both biological parents together as "one happy family" before mom and dad split.

But, having to live with not being able to see their parents every day, it sucks. Does it make them victims? No. Do I make different allowances for SD due to her circumstances that I don't make for my bio-kids? Absolutely. 

My bio-kids have been in the same home with both of their parents their entire lives. They've had one set of rules, one routine, one home, one family. SD hasn't had any of that. She's had two homes, two sets of rules, two routines, two families; and hasn't been able to see both of her parents every day EVER in her life.

Is she a victim because of it? No. But, as a parent, as a human being, I have to take into consideration what her life has been like, what has become natural to her. And I have to understand that it's HARD emotionally to live that kind of life. It's also even harder when there's one parent who just doesn't make an effort; especially when you are living in a home where you see your siblings having BOTH of their parents there EVERY DAY.

It doesn't matter that I do for SD the same as I do for my bio-kids, it doesn't matter that I love her. It doesn't change the fact that BM just isn't there for her. 

smarterthanyou
by on May. 22, 2013 at 10:08 PM
1 mom liked this

 imo-give the kids a year, then it's time to move on

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 22, 2013 at 10:14 PM
7 moms liked this
We shouldn't feel sorry for children of divorce. My child is blessed to be a child of divorce. Her life has improved tremendously since that event took place. Kids in intact families should be jealous!! More people to love.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 22, 2013 at 10:17 PM
1 mom liked this

My kids (and stepkids) are not victims. I don't raise victims.

but I do understand their particular circumstances - that is, they have parents in separate homes. They love both their parents. They have to switch homes several times a month. They have to walk a fine line because their parents (whom they love) don't always get along.

I can understand and respect their position. I don't want to make life harder for them than it has to be.

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