Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Jealousy, confusion, frustration- oh joy...

Posted by on May. 23, 2013 at 10:43 AM
  • 49 Replies

Not quite a step mom, as I am not married but I recently entered a relationship with one of my best friends of 10 years (that transition was.... Interesting lol). I am a single mother of a soon to be 3 year old. His birth father is not in the picture AT ALL. My boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter. Throughout our friendship his ex was always jealous of me but now that she is married and they are separated there seems to be no issues, in fact they get along fairly well and are civil in raising their daughter together.  I've always known my boyfriend to LOVE children, wanted nothing more to be a father, and when he found out he was ESTATIC. Seems great right? Well, I have some issues. I want more children some day and the experience with his ex and daughter has dampened his excitement of having more children. However, he's been more than willing to accept the father figure role to my son, which I am very fortunate for.  We have arguments pretty often about how I want more.  Not to mention, I have this extreme jealousy of watching him raise a child with another woman.  Does anyone share this?  

I love his daughter and want to be there for her, so the issue of him already having a child isn't what bothers me. It's knowing him prior and how excited he was to be a father, now- seeing him not so excited about more children bothers me. Sometimes when we discuss it he says he could change his mind someday. My concern is getting invested in our blended family and never overcoming this.  

Its like... His ex is experiencing something with him that I KNOW he wanted but I don't possibly get to. It bothers me enough to consider that our relationship isn't what I want.  I should be happy that they get along and he got the child he so wanted, but I can't help feel a ping of hurt when he talks about it. "we did this for our daughter" or "I think we are doing a great job" the killer: "Isn't it great we get along so well?".

I feel extremely selfish, guilty, and confused. In the end I'm not sure if this is something I can overcome. I want to have a child and a family with him but I can't help to think about the child he already has with someone else and how she gets to share such a special time with MY boyfriend. Which seemed to ruin any future possibility....

 

Advice? Tips? Anything? surrender

by on May. 23, 2013 at 10:43 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
happinessforyou
by Bronze Member on May. 23, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

I think I would have invested more effort into finding out if he wanted more kids before I blended families. You set up house and you love him-can you be happy with the way your family is now? The kids have been through enough-are you going to split this family up too?

If he is being honest then I guess the decision to stay really is up to you. GL

amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 23, 2013 at 11:07 AM
2 moms liked this
If he told you he was getting fixed would it be a deal breaker? That should probably be your answer....
TerribleAtThis
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:10 AM

 


Quoting happinessforyou:

 The kids have been through enough-are you going to split this family up too?


 Im not entirely sure what you mean by this? His daughter is perfectly happy and healthy, as well as my son.

happinessforyou
by Bronze Member on May. 23, 2013 at 11:13 AM

If the kids have moved in with you and BF that means they left one home and moved onto #2? Did I get your info. right? And if you split up because you want more kids and he does not, that means the kids move to home #3? Or did I get something wrong? If the kids are happy, why aren't you?


Quoting TerribleAtThis:



Quoting happinessforyou:

 The kids have been through enough-are you going to split this family up too?


 Im not entirely sure what you mean by this? His daughter is perfectly happy and healthy, as well as my son.



TerribleAtThis
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:20 AM

Happinessforyou,

 

Ok I see. My boyfriend moved into my house, with my son and me. He has his daughter twice a week. So for the kids, my son has his home always and his daughter lives with her mother 80% of the time.

The kids are happy yes, but should I be happy because they are? Are mothers genuinely expected to be that selfless? I have dreams and expectations outside of motherhood.

sarawags
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:22 AM

This - here's your bottom line answer as to whether stay with him or move on from ...

Quoting amantonacci:

If he told you he was getting fixed would it be a deal breaker? That should probably be your answer....



sarawags
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:25 AM
1 mom liked this

I personally don't think it's selfish to want him to WANT to build a family with you too - 

That said, it's also not necessarily selfish of him either to not want to have anymore children.

There doesn't have to be a wrong side - maybe you just both want different things. 

Janeite
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:26 AM
5 moms liked this

What strikes me most about your posting is that you said you weren't sure if this was something you could overcome. I get the feeling you may already know the answer to this question... . And you know what? It's OK. Don't beat yourself up too badly. If this is honestly a dealbreaker for you it would be best to acknowledge it now and have the conversation with your boyfriend. It's OK to want more kids and it's OK to choose not to be with someone long term who doesn't want the same things you feel strongly about.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Don't commit to a relationship in the hope that things might change if you know you're not OK now with the possibility of things not changing. Does that make sense?   

amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 23, 2013 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this
How recent did you guys become an item?
mom-o-7
by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this

Jealousy is a horrible thing, it will kill you and your family..I know, because I am working through jealousy issues about my sd and dh.  God has been the only one who could even start cracking this hard heart..I'm a work in progress, but I'm not giving up on my family and you shouldn't either!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)