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Oh no, Mister, that's your BM!

Posted by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:46 AM
  • 21 Replies
1 mom liked this

Summertime is here!  SD16's is officially a SENIOR as of 3:20pm today! 

This morning, DH brought up the Summer schedule and asked me what I think it should be.  I said a Sun-to-Sun schedule would work best for a number of reasons.  1, SD16 can plant herself somewhere, sleep in the same bed and enjoy some level of stability for at least 7 days vs. the constant "back & forth" she's endured all school year round.  2, it would lessen the friction between DH  & BM and all the daily arguing.  My advice was that he put it in writing and make sure that everyone (me & boyfriend(s) included since we serve as backup for the 2 of them) are on the same page.   Surprisingly, he said that BM proposed a weekly on & off schedule too!  Yay, so we're off to a good start!

Then he goes, "why don't you email her the schedule, copy me and when she gets back in town, let's all sit down & iron it out?"  I said "not happening, why don't you email her and copy me?"  

Has your DH ever asked you to handle something and based on your growth as a SM, you've learned to put it back on HIM to do?  Did you feel like you let him down as his wife?  Afterall, wives are supposed to be "helpers" according to the Bible. Or, did you feel justified because you've touched that damn stove before and that sucker was hot so you've learned to disengage?

I'm asking because, seriously, this (SM thing) has been an uphill climb for me.  I can't recall the post but another SM posted a very candid and transparent thread about the vicissitudes of SM-hood.  It really provided clarity for me and I applaud her for writing it!  I must've read it about 4xs. 

I digress.  When I met SD, she was 9 and had lived with DH since birth.  BM worked 3 jobs and even lived out of state for 1.5yrs.  So from age 9 to 15, DH and me did it all.  BM came around, maybe, once every 8-10 days and even then, only would have SD for, barely 24hrs.  Literally, the VERY nexy day, she was dropping her back off...hungry, homework incomplete, practice missed, you name it. She didn't know SD's friends, their parents, allergies, size of shoes, clothing.  However, since last year, I can honestly say that BM has been faithful and "on top" of things. We still pay out more money than she does, but we make substantially more than her, so no biggie. 

LIke many of you, though, I'm used to handling things; knowing all my family's moving parts at any given time.  I plan out our meals, our budget, our recreation, our activities etc.  Truthfully, its been a real challenge for me to loosen the grip around SD.  I'm SO used to including her in all of my "doing." Disengaging is very painful and difficult and I think I've put on a mask about it for this past year.  I'm tired and really sad.   

Don't misread me, DH is the head of our family and I believe the Bible about my role as his wife.  He does a good job handling SD and all that concerns her, namely BM.  I think he just asked me to do it because we were talking about it.  As soon as I threw it back on him, he nodded his head in agreement. 

I guess I'm just asking if any of you have been in similar situations, and what road did you choose?

by on May. 23, 2013 at 11:46 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ejsmom4604
by Bronze Member on May. 23, 2013 at 11:53 AM

Yup, this past weekend in fact. Well it wasn't with BM, she lost her rights as of last Friday, but with her mom, maternal grandmother, whom DSS has placed SS temporarily until DH has custody officially awarded and the end of the school year. 

And that is where the problem lied. Grandma wants joint custody with DH. DSS reccommended that DH get full, sole legal and physical custody, but have it in writing through court that if SS had to move back to NY (we live in PA) to Grandma's for whatever reason, custody automatically switch to joint. DH agree's with DSS, but had to tell Grandma "no" to joint from the get go. He was avoiding it in hopes that I would handle it. Umm no way, no how, not going to happen. 

Janeite
by on May. 23, 2013 at 12:03 PM
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Yes, I did just recently. I had been meeting BM to pick up younger SS, take him to the orthodontist, take him home to eat with us as a family, and then take him back to BM. After a few months of that I asked DH to do this. I realized I was not helping my DH, but acting on his behalf. I wasn't OK with this. His work schedule is crazy as it is, so I did feel like I let him down by asking him to take this on, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.     

Quoting WorkingOT:

Has your DH ever asked you to handle something and based on your growth as a SM, you've learned to put it back on HIM to do?  Did you feel like you let him down as his wife?  Afterall, wives are supposed to be "helpers" according to the Bible. Or, did you feel justified because you've touched that damn stove before and that sucker was hot so you've learned to disengage? 


baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:04 PM

The bible also meant for them to to stay married. So........

WorkingOT
by Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:14 PM
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They were never married so.....  I guess they shouldn't have had sex outside of marriage. 

Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:16 PM
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The bible has bibical grounds that okay divorce depending on different things.

To OP I feel like I would have done the same. I have been sole care taker of my ss since he was two. He is now 8 1/2. Dh basically handed me the reigns since the responsibility fell on me while he was working constantly. Within the last year or so it has really been weighing on me. I have to be the one to always communicate with bm. Its hey will you call bm and deal with or as such and such. Me... yeah sure. I have finally had to say "no. She is your ex wife. I was not married to her. I will do what I need to for ss but I will not deal the other part, that is YOUR responsibility." He's getting it finally and it's a much less stressful situation all around. You are not failing your bibical duties as a wife in doing so. Hang in there.


Quoting baparrot2:

The bible also meant for them to to stay married. So........

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:19 PM
1 mom liked this

I take over 100% when DH is at work. I call or text him if there's a matter that needs his input, whether it's about SD or one of the other kids. I do my best to schedule important appointments for the girls around his work schedule so that he can attend with me.

Do I deal with BM? Unfortuantely yes. I do all of the drop offs, as DH is at work. Since I'm the primary caretaker for SD, that often means drafting emails with all the details (DH reads through it, edits it, and sends it). If there is an issue that needs to be addressed (scheduling conflicts, drama with BM) those are 100% on DH. I don't mind updating BM as we go along; things like updating her when SD has met her IEP or therapy goals, update her when new appointments/meetings are scheduled in case she'd like to attend. That's the type of contact I have with BM. During drop offs I also bring copies of SD's therapy activities/exercises and go over any new ones with BM.

Here's my thoughts, I don't mind helping out for the decent stuff when everyone can be nice. I have no responsiblity to deal with the drama crap that comes up. I didn't have sex with BM, I didn't create a baby with her, NOT my responsiblity. I don't mind helping when necessary, mostly because I want to do it for SD and for DH. But the drama? Not my job to deal with. 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:21 PM
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There's an easy solution to that. Draft the email and let him send it. You're helping him at his request but not engaging in the discussion that follows.

BM texts and emails me for stuff often. I do not respond. I do, however, give DH the info she wants for him to convey back to her. It's his job to communicate with her. A little secretarial assistance is no biggie though.
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KiKi-Love
by New Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:44 PM

Yea I speak to BM instead of him >_> smh

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 12:58 PM

That's what I do for DH. Mostly because I have more time than him, LOL. It works well, the information gets written down, he goes through it and re-words things so that it says what he wants, and then TADA it gets sent.


Quoting Derdriu:

There's an easy solution to that. Draft the email and let him send it. You're helping him at his request but not engaging in the discussion that follows.

BM texts and emails me for stuff often. I do not respond. I do, however, give DH the info she wants for him to convey back to her. It's his job to communicate with her. A little secretarial assistance is no biggie though.



AmericanDream
by Gold Member on May. 23, 2013 at 1:41 PM

Sure have.

FROM THE WORD GO.

I have always expected my DH to deal with BM about anything and everything that needs to be dealt with because I did not create life with her.

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