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BM seeks advice

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:08 AM
  • 10 Replies
Hi Y'all I have posted a time or 2 in here and while I am not a SM, I do want the best for my lil guy and we are moving forward into the stage where I am going to meet the possible SM but currently GF. I do not look to cause conflict, but do want all grown ups to be on the same page for the raising of my lil guy. You will see me use often "my lil guy or my son", it mainly comes from a place where his dad has NOT been a constent in his life even when we were together, so I use "my" as I have been the one (99%) caring for our childs daily needs. He now after a year is wanting to bring up weekend overnight visits with him again yet hasn't maintained a weekly visit or a routine phone call in this year. My lil guy loves his dad and I want him to have that love for him, he does not see the missed visits or calls as I don't tell him about them and make them a surprise if he shows. My son is 5yo A little back history, the BF and I were together 5 years. It was a rough 5 years and an even rougher pregnancy. The constent threats of breakig up (his) but not following through. The daily burst of crying (me). The blame for not getting an abortion (him). The nights out with friends (him). The feeling like your the only one trying to make a relationship work (me). The 5 years of carrying another adult through life that will not remain employeed (him). The constent excuses of why life dumps on them (him). Working a 80+ week plus raising 2 kids without the help or support one should have in a relationship (me). I know this seems a bit one sided but I only have what and how I have felt as when I broke things off due to the feelings above he went and got another female pregnant within months (they just had their baby). From his views to me their relationship has the same characteristics that ours did and I am glad that he found someone else to carry him through life (yes, that is my views). I only miss that he is not regularly involved in his sons life due to this "new family" or other excuses. I do not blame or put fault on her in anyway!! I often find myself thankful for this opportunity to meet her as maybe I will have better luck communicating with her then I do him. Now I do have boundaries, but they come in good nature as the BM of my child and in no way have anything to do with "not working as a team". But am curious for those that have working relationships with BM or SM, how was your 1st meets? what do you expect from each other? How do you communicate? How can I be the best I can be and what are some of the things I should expect? What should be my expectations from them? Any advice or opinions are welcome....
by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MamaT710
by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:25 AM

 I will note that I asked to meet her last year, yes I know it is not something that should or would keep my son from his dad especially through the courts.  It was more of a request as BF had son for overnight visits in a roach infested trashy house a couple years ago (this was during 1 of our breakups).  When he got evicted he had couch surfed through his friends and family and was friends with multiple drug dealers and users that were around our child although I hope no business was being done at the time.  Also has had multiple females around our son when we had made a clear agreement that no SO would be around our child until for sure they would be a constent person.  To this day I have not had 1 male or female around our son that I didn't think would be a keeper, friend or otherwise.  I have given up dating for the most part as being the single mom with no BF help or support has limited the time to jump into a relationship as he did. 

Leigh84
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2013 at 9:46 AM
I can understand where you are coming from. I would tell bio dad that in order to have overnight visits he needs to have consistency in the visitation schedule. That's not asking too much. Good luck w/meeting the gf my advice on that would be have an open mind and give her a chance (which it sounds like you are) I hope it all works out for ya
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:10 AM
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the circumstances of your relationship with BF are not relevant. It just didnt' work out between you but that is in the past. I would also not worry about his new girlfriend at this point. I woudn't expect anything from her or attempt to communicate with her. The priority here is getting BF to become more involved in his son's life. If you trust him to take care of your son for an overnight, I'd arrange for an overnight visit and see how it goes, and then go from there, if it goes well. It doesn't sound like he will be able to maintain a consistent EOWE schedule, but even ad hoc visits would be beneficial to your son.

afwifeandmommy3
by on May. 24, 2013 at 10:17 AM
First time I met bm we met alone it was awkward we talk about a lot of things that friends would discuss . I wanted to have an idea of who she was and vice versa . We then would meet up with our kids . Just her and I and do things . I wanted her to see her son with me and my child to know her . That was his brothers mother and we felt its best if all the kids new the parents of the other kids . Over time we texted more , hung out more and eventually she was just one of my friends . I stay out of anything involving ss and Dh as it is not my place . I talk to her almost everyday we meet for lunch on our work breaks and she can come to me if she has a problem with something I'm doing . I think her open mindedness to me and my willingness to let them deal with there situation was what made our friendship work . She communicates primarily with me and not Dh . ( they hate each other but when it comes to problems I stay out of it and tell them to email ) good luck .
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MamaT710
by on May. 24, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Quoting whatIknownow:

the circumstances of your relationship with BF are not relevant. It just didnt' work out between you but that is in the past. I would also not worry about his new girlfriend at this point. I woudn't expect anything from her or attempt to communicate with her. The priority here is getting BF to become more involved in his son's life. If you trust him to take care of your son for an overnight, I'd arrange for an overnight visit and see how it goes, and then go from there, if it goes well. It doesn't sound like he will be able to maintain a consistent EOWE schedule, but even ad hoc visits would be beneficial to your son.

This is by no means a dismissing post, I just feel the need to explain further....Agreed, our history is not relevant, it did not work, it however did play a part in who and what things are involved in my sons life due to inconsitency and condition of living. He and the GF are living together and so that has my concern up for the conditions my child may or may not be in and who may or may ot be helping take care of him. It seems like the only way for him to be more involved is for weekend overnight visits as many schdeules have been made to accomidate him visiting, after awhile though the inconsitency made it hard for me to make a life for child(ren) and I to have normal lifes through the week. I am still in the air about weather I trust him to take care of our son as if it was him alone then he would not have a place to keep him (her apartment) or a way to feed him (her money & items). It can be said that since they are together what is hers is his and vice verse, but fact is she is providing for my child and she would be there taking care of the things I would normally do. History has shown he has the least interest in being a provider dad. What is ad hoc visits?
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Hi, I am also just a bm dealing with a sorta sm. I would have to say don't worry about the new gf regardless if they are living together or not. If you are that concerned about dad's possible living condition take it to court for supervised visits specially if he hasn't been consistant to begin with, leave other people out of it.
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:46 AM

 I only communice with BF.  I don't really talk to the live-in GF except to say 'Hi'.  However, I do trust BF and feel comfortable with leaving the kids with him.  If I had concerns about my childs safety, I wouldn't leave them unless I was comfortable.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:51 AM


By ad hoc visits, I  meant, he happens to be free so he calls and asks to take your son for the weekend, and if you have no other plans, you say yes. As opposed to an EOWE schedule or other schedule where the visits are determined by the calendar, for example, first and third weekends of the month, etc.

I'm sure the girlfriend would be helping to take care of your son while he is with his dad but that's not the point of the visit. The point of the visit is for Dad and son to spend time together. If he isn't actively pursuing this, then there is no point to your son going to visit with dad. I would expect Dad to be the one "taking care of things you normally do", not the girlfriend. Otherwise, if Dad cant take care of his son, maybe day visits are best. maybe you can encourage more day visits.

Quoting MamaT710:

Quoting whatIknownow:

the circumstances of your relationship with BF are not relevant. It just didnt' work out between you but that is in the past. I would also not worry about his new girlfriend at this point. I woudn't expect anything from her or attempt to communicate with her. The priority here is getting BF to become more involved in his son's life. If you trust him to take care of your son for an overnight, I'd arrange for an overnight visit and see how it goes, and then go from there, if it goes well. It doesn't sound like he will be able to maintain a consistent EOWE schedule, but even ad hoc visits would be beneficial to your son.

This is by no means a dismissing post, I just feel the need to explain further....Agreed, our history is not relevant, it did not work, it however did play a part in who and what things are involved in my sons life due to inconsitency and condition of living. He and the GF are living together and so that has my concern up for the conditions my child may or may not be in and who may or may ot be helping take care of him. It seems like the only way for him to be more involved is for weekend overnight visits as many schdeules have been made to accomidate him visiting, after awhile though the inconsitency made it hard for me to make a life for child(ren) and I to have normal lifes through the week. I am still in the air about weather I trust him to take care of our son as if it was him alone then he would not have a place to keep him (her apartment) or a way to feed him (her money & items). It can be said that since they are together what is hers is his and vice verse, but fact is she is providing for my child and she would be there taking care of the things I would normally do. History has shown he has the least interest in being a provider dad. What is ad hoc visits?



Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:54 AM



Quoting MamaT710:

Quoting whatIknownow:

the circumstances of your relationship with BF are not relevant. It just didnt' work out between you but that is in the past. I would also not worry about his new girlfriend at this point. I woudn't expect anything from her or attempt to communicate with her. The priority here is getting BF to become more involved in his son's life. If you trust him to take care of your son for an overnight, I'd arrange for an overnight visit and see how it goes, and then go from there, if it goes well. It doesn't sound like he will be able to maintain a consistent EOWE schedule, but even ad hoc visits would be beneficial to your son.

This is by no means a dismissing post, I just feel the need to explain further....Agreed, our history is not relevant, it did not work, it however did play a part in who and what things are involved in my sons life due to inconsitency and condition of living. He and the GF are living together and so that has my concern up for the conditions my child may or may not be in and who may or may ot be helping take care of him. It seems like the only way for him to be more involved is for weekend overnight visits as many schdeules have been made to accomidate him visiting, after awhile though the inconsitency made it hard for me to make a life for child(ren) and I to have normal lifes through the week. I am still in the air about weather I trust him to take care of our son as if it was him alone then he would not have a place to keep him (her apartment) or a way to feed him (her money & items). It can be said that since they are together what is hers is his and vice verse, but fact is she is providing for my child and she would be there taking care of the things I would normally do. History has shown he has the least interest in being a provider dad. What is ad hoc visits?


Red for emphasis.  "Ad hoc" basically means as you can work it out, not necessarily on a schedule but as circumstances allow.

What would make you trust him to take overnights?  It sounds to me like the only thing that makes you feel more comfortable is the fact that GF is there.  As such, I think it's reasonable to meet her.  However, if HE is not pushing for the overnights, I wouldn't push it either.  

While I think it would be great for a kid to know his father, if the father isn't interested in pursuing the relationship, I don't think it's necessarily wise to pin your hopes and all of the responsibility on this GF or a SM.

I think that if I were in your shoes and I wanted to meet the GF, I'd try to arrange some sort of outting.  Going out for ice cream, meeting up at an activity for your son, inviting them out for dinner, etc.  Something low key, public and low pressure.  



MamaT710
by on May. 24, 2013 at 3:00 PM

 Thanks for the input ladies.  It is helpful knowing other sides but more seems to be leaning toward not having contact with her.  Although it is true what one said about me being more comfortable with the GF being there when my son is there.  A time has been set for me to meet her and look at the house where my child would stay for this coming week.  My child a year ago had already met this woman and spent time with her family before overnights were cut, so I know my child is comfortable with her, however my child is comfortable with just about anyone and that is why I requested to meet her.  They just had a baby and dad wants to now include his son on the "Excitement" but I really don't think he understands what it could or what he has put our son through emotionally just being around when he has made a few hours and the whole complex it brings with new GF and baby, new living and life arrangements.  Even though he has always said "Be good for mom" and "mom is the best", he has not been the daddy type, visits have consisted of him playing video games or ball outside and the occasional visit during holidays with the other side of the family.   BF still looks to me for encouragement and advice and I just don't have it in me anymore to care about him.  If he does not take the initiative to call and inquire on lil guys life (sports, school, health, friends, family) then why should I chase him down to let him know about it.   If I am comfortable with GF and living situation and they want lil guy around then why should I come between that.  I still handle things through court (child support and more currently filed papers for custody).  I can't talk to him without getting a bunch of excuses so I don't let that come between his visits or what my son wants its just that court seems to be the way for him to be some what accountable.

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