A Tale of Two Sisters...My Entry into the COD Debate
Two sisters have the same father..
Sister 1 - BM and BF divorce before she is aged 1. For 5 years she is passed between BM and maternal grandparents. Just before age 5 BF comes and assumes custody of her. While in the care of maternal grandparents (who also remain a large part of her life until their deaths), and even into adulthood she is treated as the "poor widdle COD" that SMs have a problem with. Coddled by her grandparents and until removal from her care, her BM, told how horrible it was that her parents are divorced.
Sister 2 - BM and BF divorce before she is aged 6 months. She is in custody of BM, with visitation to BF. BM & BF agree to never discuss divorce in negative terms to their DD. And to this day, that agreement has been upheld. DD is raised to believe that the divorce was as much FOR her emotional well being as it was for her parents well being. DD was NEVER led to believe that the divorce was harmful to her in ANY way.
Sister 1 - 42 years after her parents divorce, she is sitll victimized by it. She stayed in an abusive marriage b/c she didn't want her kids to be COD. And now, that they are, she refuses to set appropriate boundaries because "they have suffered enough with our divorce". She has a 13 year old son who has raised his hand to her and now her 11 year old daughter is following suit. And many therapist have traced their behavior to her attitudes which have been traced back to what she was taught by her BM and GPs.
Sister 2 - 37 years after her parents divorce, has NEVER been a victim of her parents divorce. She is able to celebrate what her parents divorce brought to her life, and what she would have lost much earlier had her parents remained married. She does remain wistful about wishing she had memories of her parents together, however, knows that wasn't the card she was dealt and is pretty well-adjusted about it, and always has been.
I think something parrot said about how she acted after her divorce to her DD's BF is appropriate - she took more time, read one more story, returned to airplane feeding, etc. But Parrot, didn't you SLOWLY get her to stand on her own? You haven't continued to coddle her, am I correct? Because what I know of her, she is a very independent young lady, responsible, a mother's dream. So somewhere along the line you instilled in her that strength. IMHO, that is the antithesis to that which you are arguing. You can not instill strength (or any of those other character traits which your DD seems to demonstrate) while allowing them to use their COD status to remain a victim.
And isn't that what we're talking about? Now. When a SM says that BM is giving the "poor widdle COD" treatment and it's been 6 months, it borderlines on ridiculous. A teenager whose parents have been divorced for years and the child is being allowed to blame the divorce for bad behavior? We don't like our kids to blame medical conditions for bad behavior - why are we going to allow them to blame their parents?
The 2 sisters are me and my next eldest sister. We share a father. I'm #2. She is 42 and because she has never been taught anything otherwise, she still blames her parents divorce for bad behavior on her part, being beaten by her husband, and is passing these attitudes on to her own children.
During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM). She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998. Love and miss you much.