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COD vs Never Married situation

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:33 AM
  • 15 Replies

Is being a child of divorce a different experience from being a child whose parents who were never married breakup? The experience is different for the parents (I think), so is it different for the children?


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TheQueenOfChaos
by on May. 24, 2013 at 9:45 AM

I don't think so.

While my DD is better off from the separation since her father was abusive toward me, it didn't make the initial separation any less...painful?

She was only a baby, but with his own SM in his ear (she's cut off from all of us now...woman's off her rocker) DD became a pawn in a game to him and she even convinced him to attempt kidnapping at one point while she claimed I abandoned her. Thankfully I had proof of the opposite, but it was still a hard time. If she were older I can't imagine the crap that she would have been put through by them.


Some divorces are very amicable, just as some breakups.

Some divorces are mean and trying, just as some breakups. IMO the only difference between the two is the property division, not the part of the child.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:13 AM
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I think if a child is used to a dad or mom being around, and then they are just gone, it is probably the same feeling in their little world.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2013 at 10:33 AM

The experience would obviously be different, but I would imagine the sense of loss is probably very similar.  I have a dear friend who never knew her dad.  She has mentioned being jealous of her siblings who had the benefit of knowing both parents and having had them together, even though her BM and SF eventually divorced. 

mamaanl
by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:56 AM

I don't think it would be any different if the mom & dad lived together & acted the same as a married couple would act. Ex: sleep in the same bed, do family activities together, eat dinner together, hug, kiss etc. In my opinion the children would feel exactly the same in either situation.

Birdseed
by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:05 PM

I think that kids mourn the loss of an important person in their life no matter what the legal status of the relationship was.

Example:  I first met little girl A when she was 13 mos.   I was friends with her folks.  From the time she was 13 mos til she was 7, I saw her almost daily as her Mom and I were close and rode together.  And her Dad and I were also very good friends.  I think of him as a brother.  Anyway...for about 6 years, I saw her at least 5 times a week.  I picked her up from school sometimes, I wrote all of the "Santa letters" to her and assembled her Christmas toys.  I attended every dance recital, important event, bday party, etc.

When her Mom, my friend, got sick and had to stay in the hospital, I took her a lot for Dad.  I still remember one night in the middle of a snowy winter...we took a moonlight ride on my horse.  She said that the world was sparkling.  Anyway...

I was the one who put her mom in the hospital. (mental hospital).  So when mom got out, I didn't get to see her anymore.  Dad sent me emails and told me that he would overhear A talking to her friends about how to get Mom and me "back together."  She really struggled with the loss of a person who had been important to her.

It's not just parents.  It's any loss.  Kids grieve and feel it.  You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to be married.  Losing someone important is hard on kids.

A is 11 now.  I haven't seen or talked to her since 2009.  But I still get updates from her Dad and he still reports that she talks of me often.  

Loss can be hard.  I can't see why a separation would be any different than a divorce to a child.

BellaByrdie
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:13 PM

My step dad married my mother when I was about 18 months old.  And he came into my life in infantcy.   So all I knew was him really.  I had some memories of my bio dad.  None of them really good.  For me it was a non issue because my mom and bio dad were NEVER together for the times I can remember. 

Now I do think that if my husband I were to seperate and divorce our girls would take it hard.  And for a short period of time before we married my husband I seperated and it was Really hard on our older child. 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on May. 24, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Never married but cohabitating would be pretty much same. If they were never together it would be different.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on May. 24, 2013 at 3:37 PM

I was really thinking in terms of how it affects the mutual child of the couple splitting up, the loss of a marriage is different from ending a relationship, the parent may handle it differently. The mutual child is losing an intact family situation but hopefully it doesn't mean they are losing a parent. 

Quoting Birdseed:

I think that kids mourn the loss of an important person in their life no matter what the legal status of the relationship was.

Example:  I first met little girl A when she was 13 mos.   I was friends with her folks.  From the time she was 13 mos til she was 7, I saw her almost daily as her Mom and I were close and rode together.  And her Dad and I were also very good friends.  I think of him as a brother.  Anyway...for about 6 years, I saw her at least 5 times a week.  I picked her up from school sometimes, I wrote all of the "Santa letters" to her and assembled her Christmas toys.  I attended every dance recital, important event, bday party, etc.

When her Mom, my friend, got sick and had to stay in the hospital, I took her a lot for Dad.  I still remember one night in the middle of a snowy winter...we took a moonlight ride on my horse.  She said that the world was sparkling.  Anyway...

I was the one who put her mom in the hospital. (mental hospital).  So when mom got out, I didn't get to see her anymore.  Dad sent me emails and told me that he would overhear A talking to her friends about how to get Mom and me "back together."  She really struggled with the loss of a person who had been important to her.

It's not just parents.  It's any loss.  Kids grieve and feel it.  You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to be married.  Losing someone important is hard on kids.

A is 11 now.  I haven't seen or talked to her since 2009.  But I still get updates from her Dad and he still reports that she talks of me often.  

Loss can be hard.  I can't see why a separation would be any different than a divorce to a child.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Given_to_Fly
by Member on May. 24, 2013 at 3:44 PM
I dont think it affects the child if he or she has never known the parents to be together to begin with. My SS's mom and my DH split before he was born and he was about 6 months old when he and I got together. Same with BM and her exDH. So he always knew two seperate households.

I think parenting wise it really depends on the circumstances around the breakup and how the bio parents interact with each other. If it was a nasty breakup the end result is probably not much different than a nasty divorce, though the process is much shorter.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 4:59 PM
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If the child is old enough to have memories of mom and dad and them as a family it doesn't matter if their parents were married or not. If the parents split when kid is a baby, or before kid is born, and the kid has no memories then I think it's different than having those memories as a family.

I also think it depends on how well the parents work out their post-divorce/break up business with each other in regards to their kids. 

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