Okay, I'm going to try and be brief.
For those who don't know, I'm not a SM, my DH is an SD, but I am the BM. I'm here to get advice on facilitating a good relationship between DD and her new SM (as of this weekend I believe).
Long story short, ex was abusive to me and I left. When I did he checked out. My DH stepped in and stepped up and literally raised DD. Ex is involved when his family wants him to be, but that's it. Now that he's getting married and getting a SS himself, his family is telling his to "drop the past and enjoy the new family". Yeah...
I've known ex's new wife as long as he has. The time I knew her in person I didn't like her. She hit on my DH knowing we were together, going out in a blaze of glory with the comment of "I can show you a good time in bed" 3 days after our wedding at work while I was standing there. Needless to say, I stopped associating with her. She was a big partier back then, but from what I can tell, she's done quite a bit of growing up.
Ex has seen DD 33 days in 2 years. He rarely calls her, though he's texting me all the time. She has no idea who he is. He's wanting her to spend the whole summer and that's not going to happen. She's 3 years old and he's a complete stranger. But I am willing to send her for 2 weeks.
However he's impossible to get answers from and due to finances I need to plan trips, especially cross country trips now that he's a day's drive away. She and I have talked alot in the past couple of weeks, and she's taken a true interest in Chloe. I also feel like the 2 of us have a good relationship now.
Obviously I don't want to cross my bounds, I'm happy to have her as a co-parent as long as she's open to being one. I don't expect her to be THE mom, but I do hope she will be the motherly figure to DD when she's there and that she will be an active participant in all parts of her care (including discipline, ex and I are on the same page about everything when it comes to parenting except his drinking around her, so I have no issues knowing what discipline goes on and such). However, with ex's, lack of interest I should say, in actually planning for her to visit, would I be overstepping if I chose to speak with her about these things? From a SMs POV I mean. Obviously I'll have to figure out if he has issues, though I doubt he will because he likes everyone else doing it all for him (I always plan his trips to get her, his trips home from that point, etc).
I don't want to seem like I'm forcing DD on her, I won't push it if they're not interested. Frankly, if he chooses to take his family's advice and drop DD and focus on his new family, it wouldn't even phase DD. DH has been raising her since infancy and even ex knows she sees him as daddy (her choosing, we've taught her who ex is, but he's still a complete stranger by his own choices). But when he talks about DD visiting for summers and such, I'm willing to let it happen, as long as theres some communication from someone lol.
Okay, so that was question 1.
Question 2, has anyone ever done a change of venue to a new state? I don't have a lawyer right now and my courts won't go any further than telling me I need to file a motion. Neither one of us live in (or anywhere NEAR) our old state. Plus the judge had an obvious bias (I actually have proof on that one but my lawyer at the time sucked and I was a pushover) and I would prefer not to deal with her. We've lived in our current state for a year and a half, own a home, have a stable job, I'm in college...it's pretty obvious we're not going anywhere. I'm just wondering if anyone has advice on what kind of motion I need to file to move it here so he can do a skype in with us and we can rework the parenting plan so he does have more visitation (if he wants it).
ETA: I should clarify....ex is now military as of last year. So for those wondering why I would send her that far away and why he cannot come here, technically our CO as of right now states he sees her during his military leave and any other visits throughout the year are at my discretion. This was because he showed a history of leaving her with unsafe people (his SM and his SS who caused her to have injuries and illnesses that she wouldn't have had if she were properly cared for).
He can't come here whenever because he isn't able to travel that far from his base. The summer visit isn't a CO visit, he wants her during his short leave in August as well, but asked for 5 weeks in the summer that I'm not willing to give. When he takes her on his leave it's 8 days to 2 weeks long (well 10 days technically, his leave is 2 weeks). The difference between his leave and this visit is she on his leave she is around his BM who she knows well and is comfortable with, and going where he is stationed there is no family around.