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S/O of It doesn't matter....

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:52 PM
  • 19 Replies
3 moms liked this

I think Parrot's post is a great springboard for discussion.  She mentioned that at times, she thought for sure that SS would be a serial killer or something...yet he's not.  

Time passed, things changed, and it "doesn't matter."

I think it can be really difficult in the thick of things to see the bigger picture.

Would you agree or disagree that with time, being a SM especially becomes easier as you see things playing out?

I know for a fact that for me there are things I really struggled with early on that I look back on now and LAUGH about because OMG...way bigger issues to be had.  

It's easy to talk about perspective when you're out of the woods or have gotten further down the line.  When you're in the middle of something though, it doesn't feel silly (though it might look so from more seasoned folks).  It feels really really important.

I don't think that there's a remedy for it other than time.  Experience. 

If you compared my thoughts/positions from 3 years ago to where I am now, you'd not believe I was the same person.  

Truly.

Time is a wonderful teacher.

Perhaps we have to be careful and consider that not everyone here has yet had the benefit of time AND consider that those who have had sufficient time might actually be on to something?

by on May. 24, 2013 at 12:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 12:59 PM
True! When going through court we stressed off every little thing. Now I just tell SO "so what she will call in 2 hours like nothing"
ejsmom4604
by on May. 24, 2013 at 1:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Exactly! Everyone is in a different place along the experience spectrum. I think that those that are newer SM's, should really ease up on being so defensive and understand that those here with more experience have something important to say and are trying to help you through this difficult time.

At the same time, I think the more exprienced shouldn't harp or jump just because they have seen this "a million and one times". They may have, but the person going through it is a newbie. I'm not saying to baby them, but perhaps show a bit of empathy. (there was more but my mind blanked).

And for all to understand that there are unique situations that come up that falls outside the norm. And it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say I am not familiar with this situation." 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 1:34 PM
2 moms liked this

I would agree.

You cant know till you are truly there.

But it also serves as a cautionary tale to remind yourself to step out of that claustophobic box filled with narrow thoughts and doom, that the days problems arent so big in the scope of reality. i.e. BM's latest rant on FB, BM was late for drop off, Skids ate all the snacks in the pantry, Skids wont stay off the phone, Husband wont stand up to BM like you think she should.....etc.

All wasted energy and life suckers.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 1:42 PM


Quoting ejsmom4604:

Exactly! Everyone is in a different place along the experience spectrum. I think that those that are newer SM's, should really ease up on being so defensive and understand that those here with more experience have something important to say and are trying to help you through this difficult time.

At the same time, I think the more exprienced shouldn't harp or jump just because they have seen this "a million and one times". They may have, but the person going through it is a newbie. I'm not saying to baby them, but perhaps show a bit of empathy. (there was more but my mind blanked).

And for all to understand that there are unique situations that come up that falls outside the norm. And it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say I am not familiar with this situation." 

I will fully agree with you here and number am one offender. I should work on that. What is immediately clear to some "oldies" is not immediately clear to a newbie and shoving it down their throat gets no help no where.

But on the flip side of that I can honestly say, even when I try to give advice in the nicest of manners it is almost never taken. Its the newbies who are so quick to tell you....the experienced one, that you know nothing. And then you find them eating up the advice you know will make the sitch worse only to see that poster back posting bigger problems...like you knew they would. This really isnt a newbie thing as much as it is a "I'm 20 years old...I know what I am doing!" thing.

Even the veterans get tired of it and start to get straight to the point after a while. Which is where I am currently am. Its like hey! You dont want to waste your youth and your marriage fucking around with this for years do you? Quit calling mom a worthless POS on FB and move the fuck on. You would think that is good advice.....but apparently the words get in the way.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 24, 2013 at 1:49 PM

Could we describe this process as the evolution from having a bunch of (not necessarily grounded) expectations to learning to go with the flow?

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 24, 2013 at 1:54 PM

Why take longer with something painful than absolutely necessary if you know its not going to matter in the end? That is what I would ask myself. That is what I am proposing others ask themselves.....

smarterthanyou
by on May. 24, 2013 at 2:04 PM
2 moms liked this

 imo it matters because without tests and trials we wont grow as individuals.

sure the stressing over little shit does us no good and it's hard to see what hills are truly hills we should die on and what we should go around while we are right there. BUT at the same time. if you don't choose to die on a hill not worthy of dying on you wont know how to pick them out for yourself later.

it's called living and learning.

thus to me...............it all DOES matter no matter how small the lesson was, we all grow with the lesson of time.

Amy1973Potts
by on May. 24, 2013 at 2:28 PM
3 moms liked this
I think we forget that many people, especially women, and quite possibly women who feel they have very little control over a situation, tend to live more in the moment, things seem, at the time, to be a big deal, and time puts perspective on it. Just because you flip out and are annoyed NOW, doesn't mean you will be forever.

Honestly, I'd rather get it out of my system, right or wrong, than to bottle it up. 99% of the time I look back and realize it was not that big a deal, but if I didnt hurt anyone with my reaction, I move on. Now? Almost everything gets overlooked. BM hardly makes a peep.
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newstepmom61811
by on May. 24, 2013 at 2:51 PM
5 moms liked this

I am allowed to learn from my life, my way. I am also allowed to take or not take advice as I deem appropriate...those are some of the perks of being an adult and having earned the right of being in charge of my own life...the consequences...also mine...

bottomline
by Silver Member on May. 24, 2013 at 3:59 PM

 There is a spectrum. And we all can't be on the "experienced, and knowledgeable" end of every situation's spectrum.  Nor should we judge others for their place on the spectrum. We can offer advice, if asked, and try to show by example. But ultimately it's still everyone' own decision to make.

That's what I don't sweat. Everyone else's decisions or opinions. It is so liberating. Yes, it's true, I have some haters because I don't let their opinions effect my life, but it's worth it to me. I do what is best in my sitch and what is in line with my personal beliefs and morals.  I don't expect everyone to understand nor support my decisions, but I also don't tolerate false judgments.

My life is better for it. Once DH mastered the skill our lives have been amazingly simpler. He has a lot of passive aggressive tantrum throwers in his family.   They are clingy nutters too! Once we learned how to focus our energy away from the madness, it made our lives happier and healthier. We live and let learn but their nuttery has no place in our lives. It's kind of funny because now they have turned on themselves.

 

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