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For better or for worse

Posted by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:26 PM
  • 8 Replies
Sd8 has ASD. She rarely sees her mom. Which is where she is going tomorrow. She told me tonight that she wishes daddy could stay down there with her. I'm trying to get her to that it doesn't work that way. She wants them to get back together. She says she loves me and her sisters but just wants to be able to have them together all the time. I think I explained to her pretty good why that can't be. I told her the 2 were unhappy together and they want her to grow up in a how where the adults are happy.
I think she got it even though she's still sad.
by on May. 24, 2013 at 11:26 PM
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Replies (1-8):
ejsmom4604
by on May. 25, 2013 at 1:12 AM

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 

mamaBerg85
by on May. 25, 2013 at 8:05 AM
My husband was at work.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 


ejsmom4604
by on May. 25, 2013 at 8:13 AM

In that case I would have said something like "I can understand you feel that way, maybe when daddy gets home you should talk to him about it. " Again, that is what I would say in this situation. 

I know it's hard, and you are right, her parents are not getting back together, where my concern comes in, is that some day she might hold that against you, and that it's because of you they won't get back together. Even though you know that isn't the case. And definitely really good she is expressing herself, since a lot of children on the spectrum have trouble with that. :) 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

My husband was at work.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 



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mamaBerg85
by on May. 25, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Yes she surprises me a lot with her expression. I often wonder if she is on the spectrum. One dr wanted to dignose her with bipolar but said we had to wait until 10. I begged and pleaded with him because our insurance wouldn't pay for any treatment unless she had some kind of dignosage. So we all settled on PPD-NOS.
I am sure your right I wouldn't want her to blame me. I just want her to understand and children of divorce to understand that having their parents seperated typically is the best thing for the kid. I mean kids who grow up in a house hold with parents who cared for each other and are happy tent to have better adult relationships. Dhs ex wife often says to me I'm glad everything worked out for him. I wonder when she's going to see that everything worked out for sd too. I suppose bm saying this makes you even more right.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

In that case I would have said something like "I can understand you feel that way, maybe when daddy gets home you should talk to him about it. " Again, that is what I would say in this situation. 

I know it's hard, and you are right, her parents are not getting back together, where my concern comes in, is that some day she might hold that against you, and that it's because of you they won't get back together. Even though you know that isn't the case. And definitely really good she is expressing herself, since a lot of children on the spectrum have trouble with that. :) 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

My husband was at work.





Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 





ejsmom4604
by on May. 25, 2013 at 9:08 AM

Well kids that are more high functioning (like my oldest and my SS) can express themselves, though some do need help with it. And I know children can and do have bi-polar, it's just that with all the changes they go through it is really hard to diagnose. And you really want to be sure that is it. But either way, at least at this moment, she is getting help. And that is the biggest thing right there. 

I can also understand wanting to have her understand, it is important. My SS will be moving in with us at the end of June, his mom just gave up her rights (and that pisses me off, but that is another story), I know there will be questions, thoughts, emotions, and even acting out. I will handle the acting out when DH is at work, and even the emotional side of things. But the questions I will leave for DH to answer. What I would be willing to do is write down the questions for SS in case he forgets, but beyond that I have a response ready for him which is "You know SS, that is a good questions, and your dad is a much better person to ask that to." Then redirect him/distract him with something else. Hope it works lol. 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

Yes she surprises me a lot with her expression. I often wonder if she is on the spectrum. One dr wanted to dignose her with bipolar but said we had to wait until 10. I begged and pleaded with him because our insurance wouldn't pay for any treatment unless she had some kind of dignosage. So we all settled on PPD-NOS.
I am sure your right I wouldn't want her to blame me. I just want her to understand and children of divorce to understand that having their parents seperated typically is the best thing for the kid. I mean kids who grow up in a house hold with parents who cared for each other and are happy tent to have better adult relationships. Dhs ex wife often says to me I'm glad everything worked out for him. I wonder when she's going to see that everything worked out for sd too. I suppose bm saying this makes you even more right.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

In that case I would have said something like "I can understand you feel that way, maybe when daddy gets home you should talk to him about it. " Again, that is what I would say in this situation. 

I know it's hard, and you are right, her parents are not getting back together, where my concern comes in, is that some day she might hold that against you, and that it's because of you they won't get back together. Even though you know that isn't the case. And definitely really good she is expressing herself, since a lot of children on the spectrum have trouble with that. :) 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

My husband was at work.





Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 






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mamaBerg85
by on May. 25, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Well with autism typically comes adhd symtoms. So distractions can be pretty easy to find.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

Well kids that are more high functioning (like my oldest and my SS) can express themselves, though some do need help with it. And I know children can and do have bi-polar, it's just that with all the changes they go through it is really hard to diagnose. And you really want to be sure that is it. But either way, at least at this moment, she is getting help. And that is the biggest thing right there. 

I can also understand wanting to have her understand, it is important. My SS will be moving in with us at the end of June, his mom just gave up her rights (and that pisses me off, but that is another story), I know there will be questions, thoughts, emotions, and even acting out. I will handle the acting out when DH is at work, and even the emotional side of things. But the questions I will leave for DH to answer. What I would be willing to do is write down the questions for SS in case he forgets, but beyond that I have a response ready for him which is "You know SS, that is a good questions, and your dad is a much better person to ask that to." Then redirect him/distract him with something else. Hope it works lol. 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

Yes she surprises me a lot with her expression. I often wonder if she is on the spectrum. One dr wanted to dignose her with bipolar but said we had to wait until 10. I begged and pleaded with him because our insurance wouldn't pay for any treatment unless she had some kind of dignosage. So we all settled on PPD-NOS.

I am sure your right I wouldn't want her to blame me. I just want her to understand and children of divorce to understand that having their parents seperated typically is the best thing for the kid. I mean kids who grow up in a house hold with parents who cared for each other and are happy tent to have better adult relationships. Dhs ex wife often says to me I'm glad everything worked out for him. I wonder when she's going to see that everything worked out for sd too. I suppose bm saying this makes you even more right.





Quoting ejsmom4604:

In that case I would have said something like "I can understand you feel that way, maybe when daddy gets home you should talk to him about it. " Again, that is what I would say in this situation. 

I know it's hard, and you are right, her parents are not getting back together, where my concern comes in, is that some day she might hold that against you, and that it's because of you they won't get back together. Even though you know that isn't the case. And definitely really good she is expressing herself, since a lot of children on the spectrum have trouble with that. :) 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

My husband was at work.








Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 









ejsmom4604
by on May. 25, 2013 at 10:37 AM

Exactly...they both have ADHD on top of it lol. Both on meds for the ADHD, so it helps some. With SS he has done this to me before: asked me a question, and he needed to ask his dad. Forgets, then when he remembers it's "Dad, I want to ask you something but I forgot what it was...H what did I want to ask daddy?" Ummm yeah I so don't remember lmao. 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

Well with autism typically comes adhd symtoms. So distractions can be pretty easy to find.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

Well kids that are more high functioning (like my oldest and my SS) can express themselves, though some do need help with it. And I know children can and do have bi-polar, it's just that with all the changes they go through it is really hard to diagnose. And you really want to be sure that is it. But either way, at least at this moment, she is getting help. And that is the biggest thing right there. 

I can also understand wanting to have her understand, it is important. My SS will be moving in with us at the end of June, his mom just gave up her rights (and that pisses me off, but that is another story), I know there will be questions, thoughts, emotions, and even acting out. I will handle the acting out when DH is at work, and even the emotional side of things. But the questions I will leave for DH to answer. What I would be willing to do is write down the questions for SS in case he forgets, but beyond that I have a response ready for him which is "You know SS, that is a good questions, and your dad is a much better person to ask that to." Then redirect him/distract him with something else. Hope it works lol. 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

Yes she surprises me a lot with her expression. I often wonder if she is on the spectrum. One dr wanted to dignose her with bipolar but said we had to wait until 10. I begged and pleaded with him because our insurance wouldn't pay for any treatment unless she had some kind of dignosage. So we all settled on PPD-NOS.

I am sure your right I wouldn't want her to blame me. I just want her to understand and children of divorce to understand that having their parents seperated typically is the best thing for the kid. I mean kids who grow up in a house hold with parents who cared for each other and are happy tent to have better adult relationships. Dhs ex wife often says to me I'm glad everything worked out for him. I wonder when she's going to see that everything worked out for sd too. I suppose bm saying this makes you even more right.





Quoting ejsmom4604:

In that case I would have said something like "I can understand you feel that way, maybe when daddy gets home you should talk to him about it. " Again, that is what I would say in this situation. 

I know it's hard, and you are right, her parents are not getting back together, where my concern comes in, is that some day she might hold that against you, and that it's because of you they won't get back together. Even though you know that isn't the case. And definitely really good she is expressing herself, since a lot of children on the spectrum have trouble with that. :) 

Quoting mamaBerg85:

My husband was at work.








Quoting ejsmom4604:

Not that much can be done now, but in that situation, I personally would have had her discuss that with her dad. It was his relationship with her mom that ended, plus I wouldn't want something like that to come back and bite me in the butt. Not so much from dad, but from SD. 










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Chickenhawk13
by on May. 25, 2013 at 1:55 PM
They don't always understand at that age. I agree that dad should deal with this. It's hard when its brought to you but you can always say something like, "I'm sure that Daddy can explain that if you ask him." That way no pissed dh or bm & you didn't do the wrong thing as sm's are apt to do in a well meaning way.

The first time I met my sd she was 7 & she asked me to ask the judge if she could live with her Dad. I was shocked she knew anything about any judge & shocked she asked me upon our first meeting. I looked in those big green eyes & said "I don't make promises I can't keep. You need to talk to your Mama & Daddy."

I didn't always handle all of the drama over the years in the same tactful way but I've always done my best to ride the fence & keep my cheese cake hole shut when it came to answering a question that was best answered by dh or bm.
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