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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

was she a stepmom?

Posted by on May. 25, 2013 at 6:45 AM
  • 38 Replies

ok so here's a question for you.  This actually happened to me. You can question HOW this happened but I can tell you know, I have no answer for that.

So back when my kids were ... maybe 5 and 3, my then-husband had an affair that lasted 2 years. I didn't know they were romantically involved. I knew Beth, I knew they were good friends and they did a lot together. I didn't know they were sleeping together. Toward the end of these two years, he asked me for a divorce - at the time  he intended to divorce me and marry her. Shortly after that, he broke up with her for some reason, and we didnt' end up getting divorced until 2 years after that.

Anyway, during the time they were together, she considered him "her boyfriend." They spent a lot of time with our kids. I was showing (horses) competitively at that time and spent 30+ hours a week at the barn, and I was glad that then-DH and Beth watched my kids during this time.  I spent very little time with my then-husband, that is true, we did nothing together at all.   He  had a social life, wtih a network of friends, that included his girlfriend but I was not part of this network. We had separate friends. They socialized as a couple with these friends, and brought my kids with them often.

Was the girfriend a stepmom to my kids? She fully expected to marry her boyfriend (my then-husband), once he disentangled himself from his doomed marriage.

(this is just a question for discussion - I really dont care one way the other, since this was 15 years ago).

by on May. 25, 2013 at 6:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bertaboo1
by Bronze Member on May. 25, 2013 at 7:10 AM
Personally. ..i don't think so. I would believe you would have to be married. But then again. ..i look back to before my dh and i were married. ..dd would introduce my SO as dad or stepdad...i would introduce dd and SO's son and SO would just say my kids or my daughter and son and not distinguish the fact that dd was his soon to be sd...

There is a lot of gray area with family dynamic. ..but kids as young as yours shouldn't have been privy to the knowledge that beth was dads gf since you were married and lived under the same roof...so no...she was definitely not sm.
lisa37743
by on May. 25, 2013 at 7:40 AM
10 moms liked this

Nope, she was not. She was an overly involved mistress with boundary issues. 

Given_to_Fly
by Member on May. 25, 2013 at 8:20 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting lisa37743:

Nope, she was not. She was an overly involved mistress with boundary issues. 




This right here.
Amy1973Potts
by on May. 25, 2013 at 8:34 AM
No she was not.
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pokey-pwa
by on May. 25, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Interesting. I'd say no because they weren't married and he was still married to you. If we were to consider this women your ex was with a stepmom we would have to do that with any girlfriend ex's get that just spend time with kids. They weren't living together and had no formal commitment of engagement or anything.
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on May. 25, 2013 at 8:45 AM
1 mom liked this
Eww creepy. I can see people in her position claiming they are. Makes me wonder how many mutters like that are here claiming to be SMs.
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on May. 25, 2013 at 9:08 AM
1 mom liked this

This.

And it's kind of creepy, if you ask me.  I mean, I wouldn't date a married man to begin with but if I was in a long term relationship with one I damned sure wouldn't be involved with his children.


Quoting lisa37743:

Nope, she was not. She was an overly involved mistress with boundary issues. 


amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on May. 25, 2013 at 9:14 AM
1 mom liked this
Absolutely not. I don't subscribe to that theory or perspective that you can be a SM before marriage. Especially in that screwed up mess.

But seriously.. some of this stuff is complicated enough as it is without inventing a gray area for when a woman is a step mom. Married? Stepmom. Not married? Not step mom

Doesn't mean you cant have a wonderful, close, important relationship with the kids..you just are not a step mom.
Leigh84
by Silver Member on May. 25, 2013 at 9:47 AM
This


Quoting lisa37743:

Nope, she was not. She was an overly involved mistress with boundary issues. 


leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on May. 25, 2013 at 10:06 AM

A stepmother is the wife (or common law wife) of a father, you can't have multiple wives and you can't have a wife and a common law wife so no, his affair partner could not have been a stepmom.

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