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Not sure why this is bothering me so much

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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Hi,

I just want a few weigh ins about this as I really don't know how to feel about it. My DH and I have been married for almost two years. We share expenses down the middle. His 2 boys BM buys them a lot--they both have like 7 pairs of sneakers each. My DH doesn't go overboard with purchases, but he often gets a "bill" from BM for the things she buys them. I also have two sons and they have want they need, but there is clearly a discrepancy between what the SSs have and what they have. Recently my DH got a bit of an inheritance and has decided to give $500 to each of his sons. This is not "savings" money--like save it for college or for a car (they're both gonna be asking for one soon!) but this is mad money. I don't really want my two sons to have $500 because I think that is an absurd amount of $$ for a child to have, but rather, I'm sad that my DH, in my mind, created this imbalance in the house of who gets what.

I'm really not sure what I would do if the tables were turned. I don't know if I'd want to give his sons money either, but I don't think I'd so blatantly give my sons money and not his.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:49 PM
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 Part of split finances is an inherent discrpency.  I'm assuming you guys knew there would be a difference when you decided not to meld your money.  So, rather than having to worry and fight over purchases, you now have kids with two different material situations.  I can understand how that might be hard for his kids, but can you really expect him to deprive his children just because you don't provide the same for yours? 

Really, about the only thing you could do to make things "fair" would be to give your kids the same spending money, but you said you don't want to do that. 

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 12:59 PM
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You two clearly raise your children differently.  He didn't create the imbalance, it was already there.

jenhardrdtt
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:07 PM

We do meld our finances in every other way. I was surprised that he chose to think of this inheritance as his and not "ours." BTW, we make more or less exactly the same amount of money from our jobs. For the record, he is always complaining about how much stuff the BM buys for his sons, so I was shocked that he chose to give them the money as would seem he agrees that they have too much stuff.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:11 PM
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I think you're thinking more in a blended terms whereas you don't have a blended situation.  There are two separate families living in one home.  Your family - you and your sons - have a different financial situation than your DH's family - him and his sons.  It is what it is. 

With regard to the inheritance, it just happens that your DH is the executor of his portion, deciding whether or not to share with his kids.  If it had been distributed directly down to his kids, your kids would still be left out.  You and your DH clearly have different ideas about handling finances and teaching financial responsibility, so focus on how you can use this situation to benefit your own kids (long-term lessons). 

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:17 PM

Did he have the money before the inheritance to spend like BM does?  Maybe now he's trying to one up her.

Quoting jenhardrdtt:

We do meld our finances in every other way. I was surprised that he chose to think of this inheritance as his and not "ours." BTW, we make more or less exactly the same amount of money from our jobs. For the record, he is always complaining about how much stuff the BM buys for his sons, so I was shocked that he chose to give them the money as would seem he agrees that they have too much stuff.



sarawags
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:20 PM
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He is out of line - IMO - I would be upset by too. 

Quoting jenhardrdtt:

We do meld our finances in every other way. I was surprised that he chose to think of this inheritance as his and not "ours." BTW, we make more or less exactly the same amount of money from our jobs. For the record, he is always complaining about how much stuff the BM buys for his sons, so I was shocked that he chose to give them the money as would seem he agrees that they have too much stuff.



SnapIt
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:20 PM
If this were me i wouldnt expect for my SO to hand over anything for my kids just because he gave his own

My kid
His kids

Unless we had our kids i wouldnt expect it

He has been working to support his own kids as my ex has done for ours.
There are some things that still need to be done separately and i believe an inheritance to be split with his kids, is one of those things.
His kids=his family inheritance=his decision

I wouldnt feel offended if he didnt give my kids. He is not their bio dad
mom7834
by Bronze Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:24 PM
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keep you money separate. have a joint acct for household bills and the rest is yours to spend on yourself and your kids.   It would have been nice of your dh to give a smaller amount maybe to your kids?  are they close in age?

kim8934
by on May. 29, 2013 at 1:27 PM

did inheritance go to him (DH) or both of you?  The decision to have 'fun money', may have been decided a long time ago.  I was once advised to use between 5-10% as 'fun money' from an inheritance.  To this day, I don't regret doing it.

peaceflower04
by Member on May. 29, 2013 at 1:27 PM
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Not sure how to respond. Our finances have never been split. I will tell you this...All of our children, (I have two from a previous marriage) plus a child with my DH who has a child from his prevous marriage....are treated equally when it comes to gifts etc. You have to be fair with kids. Why doesn't he consider your children as part of the family and visa versa? I got an inheritance and gave all children equal amounts as a gift. Not sure I agree with your DH.

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