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Don't know how to deal with my stepdaughter anymore...

Posted by on May. 29, 2013 at 9:03 PM
  • 25 Replies
I am going crazy, my husband has physical custody of his two kids (stepdaughter 13, stepson 10) but joint custody. They go with their mom on the weekends, she lost custody because her and her new husband were abusive to them. I can't stand her stupidity but of course for my stepdaughter she is the most amazing woman. Two weeks ago I noticed that my stepdaughters period didn't stop for weeks so I took her to the doctor, after some test they found out that she had anemia and needed to go to the ER immediately so I went to pick her up at school and took her to the hospital her mom showed up with her concern face mask so worry blah blah, my stepmother brag about how her mom got there to see her and brought her snacks. What I did I guess didn't count even thought I took her to the doctor, took good care of her... it is freaking hurtful to see how she doesn't know appreciate what I do but see her mom as a hero, even though she doesn't call her when she is here or goes to her school activities, give her money or does shit for her....... sorry I am just feeling so hurt and tired right now... any good advices?
by on May. 29, 2013 at 9:03 PM
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by Platinum Member on May. 29, 2013 at 9:16 PM
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That's your SD's mom. It doesn't matter how crappy of a mom YOU think she is, she's still SD's mom. And SD is going to have a case of hero-worship probably her entire life. At some point as an adult it'll hit her and she'll realize that BM isn't perfect, but that's NOT for you to point out.

My SD will be 13 next month, she ADORES her mom; as she should.

My opinion of BM? Not really all that great. She WILLINGLY goes 4-5 weeks without any contact; this last time she went 7 weeks between visits. She lives 5 miles away right down a main road, yet she's not involved with school, therapy, doctors, ANYTHING. Even when she had custody she wasn't involved, she passed it off to her own mom or whatever random guy she had living with her.

I get SD too and from her appointments (1-3 a week, plus DD's 2-3 weekly appointments). I make sure SD does her therapy exercises each day, I make sure she gets her homework done. That doesn't over ride SD's love for her mom. 

And it shouldn't hurt you that SD loves her mom. If you don't want to do those things for her, don't do them. Leave it for your husband or BM. 

by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 29, 2013 at 9:27 PM
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Kids don't appreciate anything.  Some do, but the majority don't.  If you're looking for appreciation out of her everytime you do something, you're going to be sorely disappointed.  Maybe you should let your DH handle his kids and you back off for awhile.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 9:30 PM
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Listen to these other ladies. They have you great advice:

And take a break. Sometimes a little break puts it back into perspective.
by Member on May. 29, 2013 at 9:30 PM
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Have you ever thought that perhaps the SD's perception of her mother is is a fantasy? If the BM abused her, perhaps she is repressing those memories of her mother as an abuser and substituting a different fantasy to avoid feeling emotional pain. It has to be hard on her at her age, not having the BM in her life due to abuse. I bet you anything she loves and appreciates you very much but is confused by the BM's actions. Hang in there.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 9:52 PM
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You cannot expect anyone to show you appreciation when it comes to SKids.  When it comes to situations ask yourself this question...If we were not a step-family would this occur anyway?  If it would then don't worry about it, if not ask yourself Is this something that DH and SM can take care of themselves without you getting involved or do you really need to be in the middle.  Be glad in this case that you took care of her and that BM finally did something small.  It probably really surprised your SD that she showed up at all.  Patience with your SD is key.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 9:57 PM
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You seem to feel you are in a competition with your SD's mom. My advice is, work on overcoming this.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 10:10 PM
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I'm sorry that you think things will be a certain way when in reality: kids with the worst moms will worship them in my opinion. Let her think mom is tops. Stepmoms generally want recognition, acceptance & the same love the stepkid gives mom but end up feeling used, defeated & despised.
Let go - she isn't yours. That sounds harsh but its reality.
You know how you treat the neighbors kids? Give them a Popsicle, ask them how school is & then you go on your way. Thats what you do with step kids. Be nice but stay back. Don't let them walk on you because you wouldn't let the neighbors kid walk on you.
Rare is a storybook step mother, step daughter relationship. Anybody telling you otherwise is selling something.
by on May. 29, 2013 at 10:35 PM
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Girl, right now it is this way but you just keep on hanging in there and being there and someday she will look back and see the picture for how it really looked and be so glad you were the one who never ever let her down even when her own mama did.

by on May. 29, 2013 at 10:54 PM
thank you for all the love, and advices. Taking some time off and back off a little sounds good and resonable and I guess the truth is that kids will not show appreciation, maybe someday they will but I should not expect it anymore.
by Member on May. 29, 2013 at 11:02 PM
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First, stop competing with BM.

Second, chances are that she won't even begin to appreciate you until she is an adult.

Whether you like it or not, BM is MOM and will always have that advantage. Even if she was totally crappy, most kids only see that tiny spark of good.

Keep doing what you do and focus on the positive points, even if you have to search long and hard to find them :-)

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