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punishment before child goes with op?

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 7:03 AM
  • 20 Replies
As more time passes its becoming more and more apparent that dh and bm will have to parallel parent, so this question is based off that.

If the child misbehaves right before an exchange to the point that warrants an extended punishment, does it matter how long the child is gone as to whether the punishment is enforced when the kid gets back? If they're gone for a week, would the punishment (grounding, taking a privilege away) still be given, a week after the fact?
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 7:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
dandymandy273
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 7:41 AM
When ODD acts up and does something that warrants grounding, the grounding resumes when she comes home.

With SS, groundings rarely happen. He is a damn good kid.
Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:30 AM
1 mom liked this

 It depends on the age of the child. The younger the child, the less likely they're going to remember what they're being punished for. Even if you remind them.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this
It depends on whether or not punishing after the child gets back would be effective. For teenagers, probably yes. For small children, no.
momma2zac2006
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:50 PM
I would think in a perfect world it should. If child sneaks out and is grounded for 2 weeks child should be grounded 2 weeks no matter where they go cause that's the grounding. In our situation though bm doesn't discipline (or do anything really) with sd. So if we were to ground her (she's almost 2 so obviously not right now) it wouldn't hold there. She rather be their friend than their parent.
lnr187
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 10:42 PM

 i think there are a lot of factors here... the childrens age, what the punishment is, etc. so it would be on a case by case basis. but here is my story having to deal with this...

ss is 5. his punishments, for the most part, are short lived ones not involving multiple days without something- until this year. he was misbehaving and lying so we took away the one thing that would devestate him- screen time. no tv, video games, computer, etc. he lost it for a whole week, starting on a tuesday. bm actually showed up to get him that friday, go figure, and we explained the situation. she said that she could not do it at her house because she "has nothing for him to do when it's cold outside and ss doesn't have another room to go into so it's not fair to the other kids". we asked that, if she were going to allow ss tv time, that she NOT tell him that she even knows about the punishment. she agreed. after picking him up, her and i were talking on the phone and she told me about what happened during her visit. part of it was that he would not go to sleep so she let him watch a movie with her. when he was complaining that he did not like the movie (AMERICAN PIE!!!! but that's a whole other issue) she told him "well be glad you can watch it at all because this is a privilage. i know you're not supposed to watch tv right now"

so clearly that didn't work out for us. we've just opted not to tell her again since then and resume punishment when he returns. makes us the bad guys though :/

CampClan
by Bronze Member on Jun. 9, 2013 at 11:36 PM
IMO it all depends on the age of the child & the punishment. If it's a 4yo then clearly punishment isn't going to be as bad. But for my 10yo- if I say no video games for 2 days & his dad has them for a few hours he will not allow him to even WATCH dad & older brother play! If it's my teens the same goes for them- punishment is the same at dad's. So if cell phones are banned for the week then I keep the phone for the week.
ChelseNichole
by Silver Member on Jun. 10, 2013 at 9:47 AM

If SS14 gets grounded at our house...it continues when he goes home and vice versa.

Birdseed
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 10:11 AM

As with most things...it depends.

When BM and DH agree on something--like taking away computer privileges due to inappropriate internet use--the punishment exists in both homes.

When BM and DH disagree on something--like BM "grounds" the kids from attending a party that is on DH's time--the punishment is not followed through on.  And if it's something BM wants to enforce on her time that DH disagrees with, she will pick up the punishment when the kids get back to her house.  For example, the kids were grounded from their Wii for something like 6mos.  I can't even recall why.  But it sucked because it was actually OUR Wii that we had let the kids take to Mom's.  We ended up buying a different game console for our house (we used as a DVD player too) and the kids were allowed to use it.

I am not sure how effective it is when the punishment is deferred.  DH and I tend to deal with issues immediately and on his time.  Example:  SD broke her door after slamming it (again).  I took her to Lowe's, bought a new one, and made her put in the assembly with the understanding that if it happened again, she'd lose the door altogether.

When other SD kept leaving her retainer out despite repeated reminders and it got chewed up by the dog, she had to work off the replacement cost by doing work around the house. (scraping and painting trim, weeding, etc)

DH does not even try to impose punishments in BM's home.  If he has a concern about something that would overlap (like internet useage), he informs BM and she can handle it as she sees fit in her home.

JustaSM231
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Dh and BM originally tried the continuing the punishment at the other person's house. It worked well when the punishment originated at BM's and continued at DH's house. But the one time DH tried to give a punishment to one of his children (same punishment for the same offense the BM punished the other child) BM totally disregarded continuing the punishment at her house. So we just do the punishment at DH's house but SDs are old enough to understand what they are being punished for even if it was after a week at BMs
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 10, 2013 at 12:47 PM
Lol. That's the hard part. Once my dh tired doing this for a while w bm. Dh would say no x box. And then tell sons no x box at bms either.

Then he would ask bm if that's fine (for a punishment that for sure she would agree on) and shed say yes. Come to find out yss and bm had been texting(SS didn't erase his text and my dh read them) and saying bm-oh sweetie. Don't worry when you get home u can play x box. Your dad is mean. SS-ok,but don't tell dad. Ect....

Lol. So that didn't work well. Like you said,it's hard and ESP. When you(gen) are the bad guy!

Even I get tired of seeing my dh have to be the mean one. He can't even enjoy his sons bc they are all mad at him. Bm is more of the friend. So it sucks both ways. It's VERY hard to see this. IMO.


Quoting lnr187:

 i think there are a lot of factors here... the childrens age, what the punishment is, etc. so it would be on a case by case basis. but here is my story having to deal with this...


ss is 5. his punishments, for the most part, are short lived ones not involving multiple days without something- until this year. he was misbehaving and lying so we took away the one thing that would devestate him- screen time. no tv, video games, computer, etc. he lost it for a whole week, starting on a tuesday. bm actually showed up to get him that friday, go figure, and we explained the situation. she said that she could not do it at her house because she "has nothing for him to do when it's cold outside and ss doesn't have another room to go into so it's not fair to the other kids". we asked that, if she were going to allow ss tv time, that she NOT tell him that she even knows about the punishment. she agreed. after picking him up, her and i were talking on the phone and she told me about what happened during her visit. part of it was that he would not go to sleep so she let him watch a movie with her. when he was complaining that he did not like the movie (AMERICAN PIE!!!! but that's a whole other issue) she told him "well be glad you can watch it at all because this is a privilage. i know you're not supposed to watch tv right now"


so clearly that didn't work out for us. we've just opted not to tell her again since then and resume punishment when he returns. makes us the bad guys though :/

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