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Posted by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 7:16 PM
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My name is Lori Anderson and I have been a step mom for 12 years to 14 year old Bella.

I am an above and beyond kind of step mom and have built a good relationship with her mom over the years, however, I do feel some anxiety and resentment towards her sometimes.  I try as hard as I can and it was always important to put my feelings aside so Bella could have a wonderful childhood.  Lately I feel like I am just putting distance between her mom and I because of the anxiety she causes me.  

I guess I just would love to find a support group in my area for step-moms.



by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 7:16 PM
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by Audra on Jun. 9, 2013 at 8:23 PM

Hi Lori! 

Wecome to the group. 

I understand the anxiety that your talking about.

Not sure what exactly is causing it in your case. I'm sure you can get many different suggestions as to how to help relieve the anxiety if you care to be more specific 

by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:03 PM
She was 2 when you became her stepmother? How sad you still feel this way. Why is it? For me, the fact my daughter could not bond from a young age with older sister just kills any wanting to be civel...Plus it wasnt always current address on court papers, somehow she got away with that. Moving alot, living with her mom as well as most guys she met. Itvwas not courts or a lawyer eho found my hubbys first born..about 23 months apart & practically twins looking like daddy. We went to a local fireworks display. Through this crowd my guy thinks he recognises the grandma. This was in 06 , years after seeing daughter barely 2 at the time. They aloud us to help raise her, but I truly hate thoygh his kid was 8 ...she never broke the daddy bond she formed when her mother claimer her 2nd kids dad was hers.too..she visited but we never even truly had a santa will bring your gifts here holiday. Always rusjed to go home xmas eve night. I allowed her into my mothers half of family...only to put an end to my heart breaking as well as daughters each time now 15 yr old ditched us for friends.The two adults who gave her life never talk so I got tired of being a babysitter...oh also wasnt long after she was in our lives I became so run down...I had a mini stroke at 31. Be carefull! Dont keep feelings bottled up! Set up drop offs else where if needed
by Amy on Jun. 10, 2013 at 2:42 PM

Welcome Lori,

What kind of stress are you talking about?  Why are you feeling resentment toward her and have you felt this way always or is this something new?

by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 4:22 PM

Need more info. Can  you give an example of a situation that causes you stress?

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 6:23 AM
Thank you for responding! I know it is the worse thing that I could do is to keep it all bottled up. Two years ago when my step daughter was going through puberty she was not getting the attention she needed from her mom. So she found out that by making up stories about me she would get her moms attention. I almost lost my mind and went to the next therapy appt and tried to work it out. It was the worst summer ever. My step daughter tells her mom everything that goes on in our house I feel like I have to walk around on egg shells when she is here. I get confronted about things and things are never relayed as they actually happened. I finally started saying that I really don't think I have to explain myself. We never confront her on things that my step daughter tell us about and how the mom was drinking and passing out every night. Drunk at birthday parties smoking outside every 10 minutes no wonder Bella was tryi g to get her attention. I just get so frustrated because I try so hard. My husband is quiet and rarely stands up for himself. She wants to control everything. I want to let it go it is just hard.
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:24 AM

Quoting lori012268:

 I just get so frustrated because I try so hard. 

Stop trying so hard. Just go about your life. When she comes over, be nice to her. Let her dad take care of her.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:49 AM

I think this is pretty typical teenage behavior to be honest.  If you're not doing the things you're being accused of and if your DH believes you and supports you, then I don't think there's anything more you need to do beyond ignoring it and DH stepping in to correct the situation.  You seem to understand what the driving factors are behind this stuff.  You can't change those.  

I think I understand how frustrated you are.  I have had some situations arise where I was accused of X, Y or Z by BM via the kids (supposedly) and it's not fun.  Like when BM accused me of smoking pot when the kids were home.  Anyone who knows me knows how totally asinine that is.  But it made me feel sick to my stomach when that accusation came out. 

I think you just have to realize that you're dealing with a kid and her perceptions and motivations.  DH should be handling this.  All you have to do is keep being you.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:57 AM
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 Whether DH WANTS to or not, he needs to handle bm. She is not your responsibility, you didn't have a child with her, he did. He needs to deal with her crap, and her crap won't stop until he does.

I like the fact that you tried to be all you could be to SD. If she is going to continue to lie and create havoc in your house, step back and let DH deal with her. You tried, you gave it your all, the stress is killing you, it's time to step back.

DH needs to support you and take care of SD. Maybe then he will see what he really needs to do to stop this situation and create harmony in his house?? Good luck.

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 8:16 AM

Thank you ladies for your help and support!!  It really means alot!

by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 9:35 AM

What I have found with my ss that helped me was to see my ss as my husbands son. That is where I kept my brainspace. I kept BM out.

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