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long distance ... is this unreasonable

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:31 PM
  • 21 Replies
So bm is moving 3 hours away. The court order does not limit this. So dh is just trying to come up with a visitation schedule.

Currently visittion is every weekend, fthers day, his birthdy, every other sds birthdy, every other holiday, half of summer half of all school breaks and 2 weeks of vacation time.

We cannot continue this. We spend 15 dollars a week in gas to see sd now. It will be 160 a week once bm moves.

So its just not possible. Bm does not drive so short of relinquishing cs there is no way to ensure she takes on travel costs.

So here is what we are thinking

1 weekend a month
Every memorial day, labor day, mlk day .. These are holidays that there is no school or work. So sd could stay for the long weekend.

Every 4 th of july that lands on a friday - monday, same as above it would be a long weekend.

Every birthday that lnds on a weekend. Bm would get the weekend before and after to plan a party.

Every other thanksgiving break.

Even years dh gets the first half of spring break, odd years he gets second half

Even years he gets december 23rd to the 31st odd years he gets december 26th until january 2nd.

2 weeks in july

Every sibling birthday that lands on a saturday or sunday.. Step or half

Does this sound fair? Bm said to come up with something and if they agree they will file with the courts.

Thoughts? Am I missing anything?

Oh and skype 3 times a week for 30 minutes with her dad, step brother and hlf brother when he gets older.

Thoughts?
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by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tillymommie
by Gold Member on Jun. 9, 2013 at 9:42 PM

I like the way it is laid out, but will she agree?

momma2zac2006
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 10:01 PM
I think it sounds fair. If she agrees I would go with it. It's reasonable.
Lurion
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 10:28 PM

It sounds fair for the most part.

This will be quite a change for the kids, going from every weekend to once a month seeing their dad!  :( Could you offer to have them half of the summer instead of just 2 weeks?

Or maybe build in some flex days (7-14 a year) upon mutual consent? 

Another thing I'd consider is alternating spring break each year. Hard to sign them up for camps or go on vacation with half and half.  

Why limit the Skype time? Just curious... why not have free and open communication? 




....ClvrScn.
by on Jun. 9, 2013 at 10:50 PM
1 mom liked this
We cant really do half the summer. Well we could but that would leave no vacation/pto for sick kids or emergencies.

Flex days could be a good idea thanks!

Spring break would be eating up pto too... neither us nor bm does spring break vacations. We wait until summer.. bm just doesnt do vacations.

The skype time would be a minimum. Bm tends to block communication.


Quoting Lurion:

It sounds fair for the most part.

This will be quite a change for the kids, going from every weekend to once a month seeing their dad!  :( Could you offer to have them half of the summer instead of just 2 weeks?

Or maybe build in some flex days (7-14 a year) upon mutual consent? 

Another thing I'd consider is alternating spring break each year. Hard to sign them up for camps or go on vacation with half and half.  

Why limit the Skype time? Just curious... why not have free and open communication? 





momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 9, 2013 at 10:55 PM
The sibling birthday is a bit ridiculous.

The 4th of July thing, I would really look at a calendar and change that up. How about every other 4th of July. I did something similar and I've not had a single 4th of July in years and I won't. Leap year screwed me.

I like the long distance plan that is in my order. It's already set up in case one of us moves over 100 miles. NCP gets one weekend a month and its usually the long weekend. There is about 1 weekend every month that dd is out of school.

Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years alternate depending on the year. Spring break alternates each year. 45 days in the summer which can be split up in to no less than 7 consecutive days and no more than 15 at a time. Or all at once.
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hspear
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 4:12 AM

One weird part: "Even years he gets december 23rd to the 31st odd years he gets december 26th until january 2nd." Seems odd that no matter what, he has overlapping time (26th-31st no matter if it's odd or even year). Maybe try altering it to first half or second half of break depending on the year. What we do is the custodial parent (now us) has from when school lets out for break until the 26th; from the exchange on the 26th until the day before school starts again is with non-custodial parent (used to be us).

Other than that it sounds good to me.

Another/a different thing you can see if she's willing to do is give you what's called a transportation credit. What this is is an amount your CS is actually lowered because you have to do all the driving. DH used to have a $100 transportation credit lowering his CS that amount because he had to drive 8 hours roundtrip every other weekend to see SD in supervised visits for 2 hours; BM did none of the driving, but had moved away before telling him she was pregnant so it ended up that he HAD to go that far just to see his child; kept the credit even after he got to start bringing SD home for visits because he still did all the driving.

We now have custody and BM pays CS to us (when she feels like it - which so far is 2 months out of 5 lol), and she has the transportation credit lowering her amount since she has to cover all transportation costs (she moved out of state against court order + without DH's and/or court's approval multiple times, which played a part in us getting custody; the judge ordered her to not only pay all costs for transportation for visits, but she has to actually search for and buy the plane/train tickets/rental car - not just reimburse - and make the trip herself to drop off/pick up SD).

BM won't give ANYTHING up without a fight, but your SD's BM sounds much more reasonable than mine. Maybe she'd be willing to relinquish a portion of CS large enough to cover the gas???

Good luck, mama!

hspear
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 4:26 AM

 Totally agree with the 4th of July bit. You'll get screwed on that one. You put in the idea about 2 weeks in July, though. Take those 2 weeks around the 4th if it's an important holiday. The 4th is very important to DH; when he was the NCP he had to submit the time he was taking with SD to BM by the end of May so that she knew what the summer plan was (summer visit time was the only thing she had no veto power over - we LOVED it). He had flex time that built up for each month until she started school, and then it turned into 2 weeks each month (ie: as opposed to a week this month, 2 weeks that month, 1 week that month). He ALWAYS took his July time at the 4th.

If she's okay with the sibling birthday, go for it. If not, I wouldn't argue about it. Before SD lived with us, she was never here for anyone's birthday but mine (mine's around Father's Day). We altered when we celebrated EVERYTHING (birthdays, Christmas, etc) if she wasn't here, but I drew the line at other kids' birthdays. DS was already having to wait to celebrate Christmas until we got Sister for break, I wasn't making him wait a month and a half to celebrate his birthday or celebrate it 3 months early (how long between his b-day and our visits with SD). My view was pretty much that DH had sex and helped with conceiving SD and I chose to marry into a step-situation; DS didn't have any choice about any of it, so he shouldn't have to make his life weird because of it. SD just didn't celebrate his birthday with us.

We had a plan to do a combined-mini-party-thing for both kids (we never had SD within a month of her birthday) during our summer visits with SD, but then we got custody while formulating this plan and it became unnecessary lol. You could do something like that if BM's not okay with you having SD for birthdays.


Quoting momof2ex1:

The sibling birthday is a bit ridiculous.

The 4th of July thing, I would really look at a calendar and change that up. How about every other 4th of July. I did something similar and I've not had a single 4th of July in years and I won't. Leap year screwed me.

I like the long distance plan that is in my order. It's already set up in case one of us moves over 100 miles. NCP gets one weekend a month and its usually the long weekend. There is about 1 weekend every month that dd is out of school.

Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years alternate depending on the year. Spring break alternates each year. 45 days in the summer which can be split up in to no less than 7 consecutive days and no more than 15 at a time. Or all at once.


 

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....ClvrScn.
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 6:21 AM
A combined birthday might actually work for our kids. Baby is due november 2nd sds birthday is the 9th and ds birthday is december 22 but is always celebrated 2 weeks early because of christmas. I am so worried about her missing jonas' birth though. She is so excited to be a big sister and there's a huge chance she's going to miss it because of school and distance. :(




Quoting hspear:

 Totally agree with the 4th of July bit. You'll get screwed on that one. You put in the idea about 2 weeks in July, though. Take those 2 weeks around the 4th if it's an important holiday. The 4th is very important to DH; when he was the NCP he had to submit the time he was taking with SD to BM by the end of May so that she knew what the summer plan was (summer visit time was the only thing she had no veto power over - we LOVED it). He had flex time that built up for each month until she started school, and then it turned into 2 weeks each month (ie: as opposed to a week this month, 2 weeks that month, 1 week that month). He ALWAYS took his July time at the 4th.


If she's okay with the sibling birthday, go for it. If not, I wouldn't argue about it. Before SD lived with us, she was never here for anyone's birthday but mine (mine's around Father's Day). We altered when we celebrated EVERYTHING (birthdays, Christmas, etc) if she wasn't here, but I drew the line at other kids' birthdays. DS was already having to wait to celebrate Christmas until we got Sister for break, I wasn't making him wait a month and a half to celebrate his birthday or celebrate it 3 months early (how long between his b-day and our visits with SD). My view was pretty much that DH had sex and helped with conceiving SD and I chose to marry into a step-situation; DS didn't have any choice about any of it, so he shouldn't have to make his life weird because of it. SD just didn't celebrate his birthday with us.


We had a plan to do a combined-mini-party-thing for both kids (we never had SD within a month of her birthday) during our summer visits with SD, but then we got custody while formulating this plan and it became unnecessary lol. You could do something like that if BM's not okay with you having SD for birthdays.




Quoting momof2ex1:

The sibling birthday is a bit ridiculous.

The 4th of July thing, I would really look at a calendar and change that up. How about every other 4th of July. I did something similar and I've not had a single 4th of July in years and I won't. Leap year screwed me.

I like the long distance plan that is in my order. It's already set up in case one of us moves over 100 miles. NCP gets one weekend a month and its usually the long weekend. There is about 1 weekend every month that dd is out of school.

Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years alternate depending on the year. Spring break alternates each year. 45 days in the summer which can be split up in to no less than 7 consecutive days and no more than 15 at a time. Or all at once.



 


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dandymandy273
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 8:59 AM

Sounds fair to me!

Birdseed
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 9:06 AM

One thing you may want to consider is that if DH is not going to take the visitation as CO'd now, BM can file for a modification of CS due to having the kids more and your DH will likely be paying more than he would if he were just going and getting the kids.

Another option to save on gas might be for DH to drive to see kids and spend the weekend there rather than do the round trip drive twice.

Frankly, it seems to me like it might make sense for DH to look into getting some of the transportation costs shared.  Typically the parent who moves away is the one who is 100% responsible for the travel costs.  Maybe that's not the rule in your state, but I'd look into it.

Ultimately, I think it makes more sense (for the child) to try to find a way to pick up the extra $$ to continue EOWE visitation than to move to a once a month scenario.  


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