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Here is my story:

I am married, my husband has a 10 year old son. For the last 5 years of us being together, his ex wife has not done anything for him for fathers day. I am fine with that. I have taken my ss shopping and gotten him a gift and card. I really love doing this. Today, I asked my ss what he wanted to get his dad for fathers day, and he said, "Oh, my mom took me shopping already. We got him stuff".

I feel so hurt, and I also feel like I am being a baby. It is good that his mom took him shopping for his dad, right? If it is good, why do I feel so bad??

Just so everyone know, my dh and I do not have an children together. We are ttc, and having fertility issues. Maybe this is part of the reason I feel crummy about it?

What do other step moms do for fathers day?

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 5:31 PM
Replies (11-20):
crysiann
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

 Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It means alot.


Quoting Humility1:

Hi crysiann, I feel your pain my dear, it's hard. Thank you dear for your support, I really thought at first that his grandmother wasn't gonna be so nasty to me she was so nice before. Well when she was upset with my husband she texted me that, and I was shocked and hurt, and was like wow I have nothing to do with what my husband does or says its his decision what he wants to do with his son, I know I hate that feeling its hard. Every weekend that stepson is there, I go out with friends and encourage husband to spend quality time with son. I find that disengaging is easier only because nobody can blame me for anything discipline, finances, etc. if u ever need anyone to talk to feel free to contact me:) god bless and take care hon:)


Quoting crysiann:

 


You are so right, fathers day and mothers day can really suck for me. Mothers day is hard, but fathers day never was, until now. I am really re thinking being so involved with these activities, I really hate feeling like this. I am sorry the grandmother is nasty to you, I hope it gets better for you.


Quoting Humility1:

Yes, it's good that his mom took him shopping, however, you feel bad because before you were the one always taking him for years. And, I think it's because your so used to doing it and now she just did it. I know it's hard because this is your stepson. I also have a stepson that is 11 yrs old. Now, if it was your own child it's different, a different feeling. I also don't have kids of my own yet, and it's harder for us stepmoms to deal with Father's Day, Mother's Day etc, because its not actually ours although we treat them like our kids. As for me, last year I just cooked for my husband for Father's Day. I usually depend it upon what he does for me for Mother's Day, although I'm not a bio mom I do raise my stepson full time. This may, dh bought a cake for me and so this Father's Day i will buy a cake for him. So I am just returning the favor back. I don't like to be too involved with these activities primarily because stepson's grandma has a very nasty behavior towards me and so I have decided to disengage.

 


 



 

DDDaysh
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 10:55 AM

 Maybe he's just more vocal now and asked his mom to take him to get stuff.  She is his mother after all, and it's reasonable that he'd feel comfortable with her. 

That doesn't mean you can't ALSO get stuff for him. 

But, if what this really boils down to is that he wanted to go shopping with his mom and not you, ya, you'll need to get over that.  I'm sorry about your TTC issues, that does suck, but you will have to face the reality that your SS is the son of your DH and his BM, not you and your DH.  Trying to pretend otherwise will just cause more pain.  Being a Step-mom can be a wonderful place in a child's life though, so relish that! 

crystalmd
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:05 AM

Just because the ex wife went with the ss doesn't mean that you and the ss can't get something also. I would do that! Also just because he is a sc doesn't mean that you can't start your own new tradition's! It is a hard situation but there are ways around it. Ask the ss if he still would like to get something with you and make it fun and hopefully he'll want to do it every year with you!

Humility1
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:17 AM
Welcome crysiann, hon I know that The Lord will bless you with your own child:), my aunt ha my cousin at age 39, my uncle prayed for at least 5 years to have him, God is good! I totally hear you dear those holidays are tough on me only because it makes me have feelings that I have never had before. For example, my stepson's grandmother always gives my husband something for his birthday, she tries to come over here making me feel left out because when it comes to my birthday not once has she ever tried to come here or acknowledge me or even encourage stepson to tell me happy birthday. I mean I know I'm not his biomom but I let him move in my house that I just bought 2 years ago, gave him his own room, and he has free food and shelter all in one and it's like gosh not even a sincere thank you, it's sad. Well dear, ill pray for you and hope that The Lord comforts you and give you peace. Just know that I'm rooting for you:)
crysiann
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 12:21 PM

 

Thank you for praying for me. I appreciate it very much. I have learned that I need to pray for contentment from God, not a baby. God gives us what we need, and I need to be accepting of that, but, it is very hard. Again, thank you.

Quoting Humility1:

Welcome crysiann, hon I know that The Lord will bless you with your own child:), my aunt ha my cousin at age 39, my uncle prayed for at least 5 years to have him, God is good! I totally hear you dear those holidays are tough on me only because it makes me have feelings that I have never had before. For example, my stepson's grandmother always gives my husband something for his birthday, she tries to come over here making me feel left out because when it comes to my birthday not once has she ever tried to come here or acknowledge me or even encourage stepson to tell me happy birthday. I mean I know I'm not his biomom but I let him move in my house that I just bought 2 years ago, gave him his own room, and he has free food and shelter all in one and it's like gosh not even a sincere thank you, it's sad. Well dear, ill pray for you and hope that The Lord comforts you and give you peace. Just know that I'm rooting for you:)


 

crysiann
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 12:22 PM

 

I never said I was trying to pretend at all. I am sorry you felt the need to be so harsh.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 Maybe he's just more vocal now and asked his mom to take him to get stuff.  She is his mother after all, and it's reasonable that he'd feel comfortable with her. 

That doesn't mean you can't ALSO get stuff for him. 

But, if what this really boils down to is that he wanted to go shopping with his mom and not you, ya, you'll need to get over that.  I'm sorry about your TTC issues, that does suck, but you will have to face the reality that your SS is the son of your DH and his BM, not you and your DH.  Trying to pretend otherwise will just cause more pain.  Being a Step-mom can be a wonderful place in a child's life though, so relish that! 


 

newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 1:41 PM

 I like this answer...Father's day is about dad and the kids...I stay out of it...they honor him how they want to...just like Mother's day, they kids can honor mom however they want...DH and I stay out of it...

The hard part for me at least is how the rest of the world of adults tries to screw with that little formula...I'm a CSM...I hate the shit the school sets up for Mother's day...the pressure to produce for that day...the questions I get from other adults "what did you get for mother's day?" ..."Hey DOUCHE! I'm not mom to these kids...stupid question, not my day!!!"

Anyway, I'm all better now


Quoting AmyB118:

When SSs were little (they are now adults) I always made sure that they had a gift and card for both Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Generally they did always have one, so it was a non-issue, but if they hadn't I'd have taken them.

Neither of those days are hard for me as a SM - I honestly look at myself as support personnel for BOTH BM and DH.  Neither day is about me, it's about them.  When I take "Me" out of those equations, my life becomes infinitely more stress free.

Don't get hurt over it - if you want to make your getting DH a Father's Day gift tradition by shopping w/SS there's nothing that says you can't.  If it's that important, tell SS that Dad can never have too many gifts :)


 

crysiann
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 1:42 PM

 

You are right, except he didn't want to go shopping with me. My feelings were just a little hurt. I still got my dh a gift.

Quoting KnowItAll:

Even though bm took ss to get something that doesn't mean you can't. If it's a tradition you want to continue, then just do it. Dad will just rack up on gifts. Lol.


 

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 1:48 PM

I think the point in this case is the childs feelings first off.  He dont care who takes him shopping as long as he has something to give his father.     I always did it with my DD then the SM refused to let her give her dad the gift once she came in the picture.. end result was my DD crying and hurt.  She didnt care whos money it was she seen it as it was her gift for her father.   SM seen it as a gift from me.  Very sad because its about the kids and the kids only in my opinion.  

crysiann
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 1:58 PM

 

Actually, I did take my ss feelings into consideration. That is why when he told me, I simply said, oh that's nice. I am sure daddy will love it. I would never stop him from giving a gift to his dad. I don't care where it came from. The point is that for 5 years, she had not done anything. And in fact, we got mothers day and birthday gifts for him to give her, and she gave them back to us. So, I was just surprised she did something, and yes, my feelings were hurt. I am a human, I have feelings, but, I am also an adult and always put the child first.

Quoting tiredmama42:

I think the point in this case is the childs feelings first off.  He dont care who takes him shopping as long as he has something to give his father.     I always did it with my DD then the SM refused to let her give her dad the gift once she came in the picture.. end result was my DD crying and hurt.  She didnt care whos money it was she seen it as it was her gift for her father.   SM seen it as a gift from me.  Very sad because its about the kids and the kids only in my opinion.  


 

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