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Looking for support

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 5:53 PM
  • 9 Replies

First an intro - I'm the stepmom of four, and a biomom to 1.  My husband had two children from his first marriage, and two more from his second, before we met.  I had my son with my first husband.  My husband's first two kids, and my son, live with us full time.  The other two we see a couple times a month.

I need to say that I love my husband, but I'm at the end of my rope.  My oldest stepson who will be 18 in a few months has been kicked out due to another assault on me.  This is the second time the police have been involved, and it's the fourth assault, which included death threats ("I'm going to f'n kill you in your sleep"), name calling, many obscenities, etc.  This last time and the time before that he injured himself on purpose to turn around and make child abuse charges against me.  After we kicked him out this last time, he apparently told people that I held him down and repeatedly punched him in the head (I'm 120 pounds, he's almost 170 with MMA training, a few inches taller than me).  After the police and detectives investigated, they arrested him on assault and kidnapping charges.  Honestly, I didn't call the police because I just wanted to let the whole thing go.  But when they showed up on my doorstep ready to arrest me, after taking our statements they determined that my stepson was the aggressor and abuser.  It was then I decided that I couldn't live with him anymore.  He's required to attend some classes over the summer and complete them by some date or face these charges as an adult.

This all happened within the last few weeks.  Stepson is now living with another family and they think he's an angel.  My husband is out of town, and while he's been gone someone tried to break into the house.  I mentioned to my husband that maybe it's my stepson, and he blew up (stepson knows my husband is out of town).  He just can't figure out where in the world I could come up with such an insane accusation, that his son would never do anything as stupid as that, and that I'm just out to get him.  Yep - I'm pretty angry at this kid.  Out to get him?  No - just want him completely out of my life.  I get that he will always be part of my husband's life, but I'm not going to live in fear anymore.  He's threatened me, my son, bullies us, he's just not a good kid.  I've tried, I really have, but I'm done.

I get that my husband is angry, and maybe it's easier to take his frustration out on me rather than the one who caused all of this.  Maybe he feels like a failure because he didn't protect me, I don't know, as he won't talk with me about it.  But for how long?  It's like he's mad at me because I can't live with his son anymore.  I've told him that if he feels that strongly that he needs to live with his son, they go find somewhere to live until the stepson can live on his own, husband can come home whenever he wants, but I can't be around this kid anymore.  He has also assaulted his own mother, and most of my friends want nothing to do with him anymore due to his treatment of them and how they've watched him treat me.  I just can't take the anger and fighting anymore.  I can't have my son watching all of this - it's why I insisted that my stepson not be allowed to come back.  There's all sorts of articles out there on step parents abusing their step kids, but nothing that helps when it's flip flopped. 

Anyway, guess this is part vent part "what do I do?".  I'm so tired of all of this.

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 5:53 PM
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by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 6:17 PM
I would say maybe it's time for a little separation...I think it's good for DH to move out and handle SS...there is a real issue the he needs to handle and I don't think it can be handled under the same roof, it needs professionals, and I don't think you and your son need to be uprooted...not of your SS was found so at fault by the police.
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Why are you still in the house? Why are you exposing your child to this? Leave.
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:30 PM
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Did you report the attempted break in to the police?  Whether it's your SS or not, they should be notified so they can patrol your rea more often, maybe even find signs of who did it.  That your DH doesn't even consider that his son could be capable of breaking in while he's gone when he's capable (and has) attacked you and filed false statements says that you have bigger issues than your SS.  DH is the problem too.  Maybe instead of 'suggesting' that your DH see his son somewhere else, change the locks on your home while DH is gone and force the issue. 

Where was DH when his DS was attacking you? 

If you can't/won't change the locks, then it's time to leave with your child.  Unless this is the example you want your child seeing, you being beaten up, attacked (verbally and physically) and a DH who blames the victim, you need to leave the situation, if not for yourself, then for your DS.  DH can clean up his own mess.  Get out for your own safety.  DH doesn't seem like he can be counted on to protect you from his own kid.  Very sad. 

by Le Bonjour Chat on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:35 PM
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Change the locks and get a BIG ASS MEAN DOG.  I'd also invest in a can of mace and a taser.

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 8:07 PM

We had a similar problem w/OSS21.  While he didn't physically abuse me, he verbally abused me and said things to his father like "Why don't you move out and get an apartment so that we can live together, Dad" in front of our employees during a cookout one year - he was 15.  He's broken into our garage while I was at work and DH was picking our DD up from summer camp and stole my DD's go cart (we never could prove it was him but we KNOW it deep down inside - a police report was filed).  He's stolen jewelry from me....My DH has done little about it all b/c he's made SS his "friend" instead of his child - he realizes his mistake now - after he's grown up....sigh 

When he gets angry he spouts off and it's always mean and hateful.  He's told his father he was just a sperm donor (not true - DH was a very active parent and a Disney Dad at that - SS got pissed when it was a special event every weekend and would act out until he was taken home). He calls me "Your Wife" and he calls DD "Your wife's Bitch of a daughter".  He's told my DH that his "pills are more important than anything else" - my DH just had a fusion in his back Jan. 30th and has to go to multiple doc appointments - if SS wants a ride somewhere and it happens to fall on a dr. visit day he automatically assumes DH is going for 'pills" when that's rarely the case.

I kicked OSS out of the house for hitting my DD (he was a pretty volatile teen and I couldn't handle him alone - DH ran his own business and was rarely here - OSS wen't to live w/MIL - LONG story).  BM moved them to NC and when she decided to move back less than a year prior DH and MIL went to get the boys about a month before BM came back.  DH wanted OSS to live w/us.  I said No and that if he wanted to get an apartment for the two of them I was fine with that - and that didn't mean our relationship was over, but that we'd have to live apart until things were sorted out if he wanted OSS to live w/him.  I was honestly ok w/that if he felt like it was what needed to be done.

DH doesn't stand up for me w/OSS like he should, so I don't interact much w/him.  His exGF just had a baby and she spends time w/us alot.  When OSS is here I don't go out of my way to talk to him - I don't ignore him but I don't chat it up either.  He has never said he was sorry for the things that he's said about me, DD, DH......and I've told DH if HE won't stand up to OSS, I will.  OSS has not yet asked me what was wrong or told me he wanted to "talk" yet and I think it's bc I am the ONLY one in the family that doesn't cosign his BS.

It's not a kid problem as much as it's a PARENT problem.  All of his acting out as a kid has turned him into an adult that not many people want to be around - it's very sad too as he's not such a bad person and he's not stupid by any means....just lazy and feels entitled to everything and anything.

With all that - had he EVER put his hands on me and DH not done anything we'd be in divorce court.  It's bad enough that I had to disengage b/c DH didn't want to "wear the pants" when SS was a teen, but I'm not going to allow violence in my home.  I get so damn frustrated at these parents who refuse to parent their kids....just let them go on about their lives since they don't want to hurt the kids feelings.  Ugh....I parent my kid b/c I want her to grow up to be well respected and a good person.  She may not like me or my rules most days, but she wil appreciate them when she's older.

My DH has told me that he knows I don't like his kid and I tell him that couldn't be further from the truth - I do NOT like the way his kid is and as a non-parent I don't have to like him nor do I have to interact with him.  I've also told DH that OSS needs to fall on his face in order to get to a place where he needs to get his shit together - no one's ever held his feet to the fire...until he gets his shit together, pays CS and buys diapers for his 5 month old DD and is not acting out in the local bars I will continue to feel the way I do about his actions....he was NOT raised to be that kind of person.....

Only YOU know what YOU need to do.  I didn't give DH an ultimatum, I told him what I personally would and would not accept.  If he wasn't on board w/that then we were going to have to make alternate lifestyle arrangements.  You have to say that and be ok with it.  I wouldn't have ever made him choose between me and my SS - I made it about my family, the drama that ultimately comes with SS and the chaos that ensues when he doesn't get his way.  It's my line in the sand.

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 10:39 PM

Geez you must be under a lot of stress:( Well the first thing that struck a not with me is you wondering why your husband reacted the way he did. That would piss me off too-I'd feel betrayed. Afterall you were assaulted by HIS son! And that could very well be why DH is acting so dumb right now. My DH does things similar. When he feels uncomfortable about his kid or his family being in the wrong it sometimes comes out the wrong way initially. He doesn't like that one of his was the cause of hurting someone and he can't fix it. 

On the other hand, you've dealt with far too much already. You shold get some space for the well being of yourself and your child. GL.

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 10:57 PM
Oh no! For your own son's sake please leave, I'm so sorry your dealing with this, I honestly think in my personal opinion, I wouldn't put up with this for the reason that hitting anyone is disrespectful, and I think that things may get worse, I would want the best for my son and I would move on, there are plenty of men out there that are great people. May The Lord bless you and give you wisdom of how you can handle this, hugs.
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:38 PM

Thank you everyone for the great responses.  I'll try to come on here more often in an attempt to be as helpful.  My husband got back from his trip, and we had some pretty good talks.  He's putting cameras up, and he apologized for his quick reaction, that he wasn't really wanting to deal with his "son stuff" while on a business trip (which I kind of get), and we just talked a lot through.  I will freely admit that I may have been a little more wigged out than normal over the break in, given everything that's happened.  Having my husband go out of town just a couple of weeks after everything had me way on edge, and I'm sure my husband was somewhat wigged given he was on the other side of the country when someone tried to break in, whether it was his son or someone else.  He's admitted that there's a good chance it was his son, so I've left it at that for now (progress!).

When it comes down to it, he protects me.  I've watched him on more than one occasion have to full on tackle his son and hold him down to prevent him from hurting me.  His son has been through counseling, anger management, we've been through family counseling, all in an attempt to deal with this.  Problem is if he doesn't see it for himself he's in complete denial (like the breakin). He understands and says he agrees that there is no way in hell his son will ever live with us again.  He's doing the paperwork right now to remove SS's driver's license so that we don't have to cover him on our insurance anymore, which is a major step for my husband. 

My husband has admitted that even though things have been pretty stressful, for the first time in years the rest of our kids seem happier, and I'm not having to walk on eggshells, so to speak.  The last few years have been absolute hell, with my stepson treating me one way when dad is around (respectful, loving, etc.), and completely abusive when dad isn't around.  Others have noticed it over the years but didn't want to get involved.  Parent abuse is not something that is as easily discussed with people like "regular" domestic violence, and that's what this has been - Abuse.

So, as far as what I'm doing now.  I'm doing things to take care of me and my son.  I'm getting my butt back in the gym to deal with stress, plus bought a membership to a local salon for weekly massages.  I really enjoy target shooting, which also makes me feel more safe, so I'm going back to some training on self defense, both with and without guns.  I'm furious that this thug made me feel like a victim, so I'm going to do everything I can to not be one again.  My husband is actually being very supportive of everything I'm doing, which is a huge relief. 

Anyway, thank you again.

by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:50 PM

Quoting marie_werner:

 Maybe he feels like a failure because he didn't protect me, 

My guess is, he feels like a failure because his kid turned out the way he did, and he feels he has failed him.

Maybe he has failed him, maybe he did the best he could - I don't know. But I suspect that is the reason for his reaction.

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