Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

when she's older we will have a relationship

Posted by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:26 PM
  • 33 Replies
My dds bio fathers sister said this to me a few months back. She emailed me and said someday dd will know she has another family someday she will come looking for us and we will tell her how u kept her from us. I wanted so bad to say why not make someday today? Please understand that u haven't shown interest in her life until today and I'm not sending her to spend even a moment with strangers.
She thinks I tricked her brother into allowing dh adopt dd.
I basically ignored her but lately I've been thinking about what she said and I wonder how many kids actually grow up looking for their other families. I'm not worried about dd I don't think she will ever show interest any of them other them her half sister even if she does I'm sure she will run right back and say I was right. Honestly though I think about like my other friend his ex wife ran off with his kids and cps took them he ran through hoops and is still fighting a loosing battle the kids live with their moms parents. Everyone comments on his page someday they will know how bad their dad fought for them. I am nice I don't say it but I think no they went because he won't win his fights and grandparents are probably brainwashing those kids into believing he's worse then their mom.
I just wonder how many kids actually grow up and see their other parent as a good person that was truly pushed away but the one who has custody.
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:26 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Lurion
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:38 PM
2 moms liked this

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!

mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:47 PM
I've invited them over nope they want me to send dd down there one weekend a month. My ex is a criminal actually. I'm not keeping them from her I try to make communication all the time they only want it on their terms I won't roll over backwards for people that are ok with not knowing my kid and then randomly say right after an adoption we want to be her family. They think they will tell her I'm a bitch I'm stupid and a bad mom. Those are things I know dd won't believe. She already knows at 10 what I do for her. Actually this is one of the ways her aspergers is at an advantage odds are as she grows she will block out those who are strangers. I try I really do and I even said to my ex after this e-mail that if his family wants a relationship they are still welcome but I will not respond to that email because it was not a mature adult way of asking.


Quoting Lurion:

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!


Lurion
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this

So in the interest of coming up with adult solutions for the benefit of your child, isn't there some way to allow them to be part of her life? 


Quoting mamaBerg85:

I've invited them over nope they want me to send dd down there one weekend a month. My ex is a criminal actually. I'm not keeping them from her I try to make communication all the time they only want it on their terms I won't roll over backwards for people that are ok with not knowing my kid and then randomly say right after an adoption we want to be her family. They think they will tell her I'm a bitch I'm stupid and a bad mom. Those are things I know dd won't believe. She already knows at 10 what I do for her. Actually this is one of the ways her aspergers is at an advantage odds are as she grows she will block out those who are strangers. I try I really do and I even said to my ex after this e-mail that if his family wants a relationship they are still welcome but I will not respond to that email because it was not a mature adult way of asking.


Quoting Lurion:

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!




AnnaNonamus
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 11:54 PM

My oldest DD has a "other" family out there. She's 17. While I was pregnant, not a single member of his family even acknowledged that the baby was his. By the time she was born, he refused to. When she was 2 months old, he came back and said "I want to be a father, can I take her this weekend?" Um, no. I told him since it was such a big deal to his whole family, he could have her after a judge ordered a blood test so it could be proved.

I never heard from him again, and when she was 18 months, my DH adopted her.


We only told her the full story recently, and she has no desire to even know her bio dad's name,  let alone the rest of his family or how to contact them.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Some kids who are adopted want to know their biofamily in some way, some don't. My exh and his sister were both adopted. She had female problems and reached out through the adoption agency and found her bm. Bm wanted nothing to do with her. Exh never had any interest in finding any birth family.
mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Yup I can continue to chase down the family of the man who basically raped me but that's another story.
Dd has a relationship with her great grandma because the lady tries she calls dd she sends her cards. She has always been there her aunt doesn't do any of that all she does is email me one time out of the blue after the adoption to say I shouldnt have done this to them and someday when dd looks for them she will find this relationship that they have apparently been hiding from her for yrs.


Quoting Lurion:

So in the interest of coming up with adult solutions for the benefit of your child, isn't there some way to allow them to be part of her life? 



Quoting mamaBerg85:

I've invited them over nope they want me to send dd down there one weekend a month. My ex is a criminal actually. I'm not keeping them from her I try to make communication all the time they only want it on their terms I won't roll over backwards for people that are ok with not knowing my kid and then randomly say right after an adoption we want to be her family. They think they will tell her I'm a bitch I'm stupid and a bad mom. Those are things I know dd won't believe. She already knows at 10 what I do for her. Actually this is one of the ways her aspergers is at an advantage odds are as she grows she will block out those who are strangers. I try I really do and I even said to my ex after this e-mail that if his family wants a relationship they are still welcome but I will not respond to that email because it was not a mature adult way of asking.





Quoting Lurion:

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!







AnnaNonamus
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:02 AM

Maybe you and I are reading it wrong, but my impression is that until that email, her daughter's "other" family has never tried to contact them in any way, let alone to establish a connection. I also wouldn't continue to try if they have no desire to be in her life. The girl is 10. If the family wanted a connection, why wait 10 years before even trying?

Quoting Lurion:

So in the interest of coming up with adult solutions for the benefit of your child, isn't there some way to allow them to be part of her life? 


Quoting mamaBerg85:

I've invited them over nope they want me to send dd down there one weekend a month. My ex is a criminal actually. I'm not keeping them from her I try to make communication all the time they only want it on their terms I won't roll over backwards for people that are ok with not knowing my kid and then randomly say right after an adoption we want to be her family. They think they will tell her I'm a bitch I'm stupid and a bad mom. Those are things I know dd won't believe. She already knows at 10 what I do for her. Actually this is one of the ways her aspergers is at an advantage odds are as she grows she will block out those who are strangers. I try I really do and I even said to my ex after this e-mail that if his family wants a relationship they are still welcome but I will not respond to that email because it was not a mature adult way of asking.


Quoting Lurion:

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!





mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:14 AM
This is what I mean. I'm not saying ur wrong for what u did I totally think it was the right thing and maybe I shouldn't of used the term brain washing because u did lie to her.
A friend of mine was taken from her bm at 9 by cps and put in foster care with a great lady. This lady was open and honest about both of my friends parents. The cps report said mom beat the kids and did drugs them shed leave for months. Mom told cps dad raped the kids. Dad fought for the kids and proved this not to be true but by the time he was approved visits he couldn't take my friend away from her foster family his health was too bad. My friends mom stalks her now looking for that relationship that she messed up and my friend told her to go to hell but always had a relationship with her dad. She tells me all the time if it weren't for her foster mom she'd have a relationship with her mom and probably be a druggie like her mom.


Quoting AnnaNonamus:

My oldest DD has a "other" family out there. She's 17. While I was pregnant, not a single member of his family even acknowledged that the baby was his. By the time she was born, he refused to. When she was 2 months old, he came back and said "I want to be a father, can I take her this weekend?" Um, no. I told him since it was such a big deal to his whole family, he could have her after a judge ordered a blood test so it could be proved.

I never heard from him again, and when she was 18 months, my DH adopted her.


We only told her the full story recently, and she has no desire to even know her bio dad's name,  let alone the rest of his family or how to contact them.


mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:16 AM
She I think its probably because of the family problems that ur friend seaked out her bm. Did ur exh have any family issues with the people who raised him?


Quoting MommySabs:

Some kids who are adopted want to know their biofamily in some way, some don't. My exh and his sister were both adopted. She had female problems and reached out through the adoption agency and found her bm. Bm wanted nothing to do with her. Exh never had any interest in finding any birth family.

mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:17 AM
Exactly.


Quoting AnnaNonamus:

Maybe you and I are reading it wrong, but my impression is that until that email, her daughter's "other" family has never tried to contact them in any way, let alone to establish a connection. I also wouldn't continue to try if they have no desire to be in her life. The girl is 10. If the family wanted a connection, why wait 10 years before even trying?

Quoting Lurion:

So in the interest of coming up with adult solutions for the benefit of your child, isn't there some way to allow them to be part of her life? 



Quoting mamaBerg85:

I've invited them over nope they want me to send dd down there one weekend a month. My ex is a criminal actually. I'm not keeping them from her I try to make communication all the time they only want it on their terms I won't roll over backwards for people that are ok with not knowing my kid and then randomly say right after an adoption we want to be her family. They think they will tell her I'm a bitch I'm stupid and a bad mom. Those are things I know dd won't believe. She already knows at 10 what I do for her. Actually this is one of the ways her aspergers is at an advantage odds are as she grows she will block out those who are strangers. I try I really do and I even said to my ex after this e-mail that if his family wants a relationship they are still welcome but I will not respond to that email because it was not a mature adult way of asking.





Quoting Lurion:

You are both fooling yourself and fighting a losing battle. Your child WILL wonder about her biological family and likely will hold it against you if you kept them from her in any way shape or form. Even if they are worthless criminals (are they?), they are her DNA. 

Even if the father is a failure as a dad, she has the right to develop relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. 

Wasn't that email from her aunt, her way of showing interest and wanting to be part of your daughter's life? Why NOT today?? You can have them over for an afternoon then they won't be strangers anymore!








Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured