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Dilemma! Step-mom and expecting my own!

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:14 AM
  • 9 Replies

I am a step-mom to 3 wonderful children. They're 3 1/2, 6, and 7 1/2. I love them to death and get to spend quite a bit of time with them as their mother works so even on her 50% of the days we get them. During the summer they're with me all day everyday, their mother picks them up on her nights on her way home from work. And then during the school year on her days she drops them off before school on her way to work. I take them to school and pick them up then she'll get them on her way home from work on her nights. So i am the one responsible for them majority of the time. Which I don't mind, just felt i needed to give a little background to lead up to my question.

I am currently pregnant with my first and so excited. I am due about the second week the the older kids go back to school. When the baby comes I would like special time to bond with him, being a mother is all i've wanted forever. Althought I love my step-children I already feel a different connection to my baby.  

Here is the delima i am having. I want to have special bonding, one on one time wtih my new baby when he's born. My mother thinks I should ask if other arrangments can be made for about week for the other children. I like the idea of that so that I can focus on this new part of my life, espcially being my first. But I feel guilty. Like i'm pushing off my children. I'm also worried that the other kids will feel that he's more important to me and that they just become my "step-children" and not mean anything to me anymore.

Any advice or thoughts please! Much appreciated.  

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:14 AM
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by Platinum Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:23 AM
If they are in school. You'll have some alone time. My DS was due about the same time but I had him 3 weeks early. The getting them to school part sucked after DH went back to work. We had one in prek, k and 1st and no one else to send the off to. If I were you I'd ask for other arrangements to get them to school.
by Silver Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 1:27 AM
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I don't think asking for other arrangements for a week is too much to ask. Besides bonding time, you're going to be worn out from L &D and getting use to caring for an infant. As far as the kids being upset, I'd make sure they are able to meet the baby and spend some quality time with him/her and that DH explains to them why their is a slight change for a week. Maybe some Big Sibling shirts or something would help them feel connected and part of everything.
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:56 AM

Most of my friends have made other arrangements for their own BIO kids for a few days when they've had new baby.   Either having a friend or family member keep the kids or having grandma come and help out.  

When my younger brothers were born, it was back in the day when new moms actually stayed in the hospital for a few days-not this 24 hour business.  I stayed with friends of the family. 

I don't think it would be a bad thing to make arrangements for your skids to be away for a few days when you get home.  I would make sure they get to meet their new brother--come visit you in the hospital, etc.  But there is some recovery time most people need/want and if you have that option, I think I'd take it.

I can appreciate you not wanting to make the kids feel like they're being booted out for the new baby, but the truth is, some kids feel that way at first no matter WHAT you do because a new baby takes time and energy away from them.  I think they'll be fine.

by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:07 AM
DO IT. I just had a baby in April and SO picked up the skids the night I came home and they were here for 2 days. Of course everyone was excited and wanted to bond. I however was completely fuckin overwhelmed w the noise and wanted SILENCE.

Some will say suck it up blah blah "oh I kept my kids home " but they aren't yours, other arrangements can be made so give notice. Ask for more than a week.
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Let them come meet the baby, but you do not need to be shuttling them back and forth to school the week after baby comes! No matter what type of delivery you have you need time to heal!

Best advice to new moms, price to see you and baby- food or complete a chore. Make a list of things that visitors can help with, fold laundry, sweep, fill the dishwasher... Don't be afraid to ask!

Next best advice learn about babywearing! Give you a free hand when wrangling the older kiddos!
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:26 PM

I made arrangements for my Bio kids and my SS when youngest DD was born. For a whole week. They came by once or twice to say hi and then left again. It was wonderful. Don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. You aren't. You deserve time with your newborn. Hell you deserve time to recover from giving birth.

by Gold Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 12:37 PM

I have a 4 yo DS and a STB 4 yo SS..( I am CSM) They both had just turned 3 when DD was born. They came to the hospital a few times after I gave birth but we totally shipped them off the first week to gparents. I was too tired to care for all 3 and Dh wasn't able to get a bunch of time off.. Pretty much my hospital stay and he stayed with me. (I got lucky, ppl wanted the boys so he could).. If he had gotten 6 weeks off, we would have probably kept the boys the first week.

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 7:48 PM
That's not selfish your not shutting them out you are going to be exhausted and sore and a week is not a huge inconvenience
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 9:08 PM

I kept the boys when BF/SM had their girls (each time).  The first time around, BF insisted they wanted the boys.  I knew better (I knew how I felt when I had each boy).  I still left the offer 'open' to BF. He finally accepted, when SM was days away from delivery and I think she'd finally had some inkling that it jsut wasn't going to be a good time with 2 boys in the house.... LOL  I offered the next time too.  Again BF said no, they wanted the boys this time, they'd have their older girl too.  Then the baby came, older girl went to Grandmas for a week, the boys stayed with me (both times I took them to the hospital to meet their sibling and then took them home.  the boys were NOT interested in bonding, just went because BF wanted them to.).  All worked out fine.  No one thought they were 'less important', it was a new adventure and they went with the flow.  Bet your Skids will too! 

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