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BM wants to have dinner with DH and SS

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for SS's 12th birthday. They aren't friends but they are somewhat civil, they co-parent a bit although BM mostly does what she wants. Is BM's request appropriate? Should DH go?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 7:02 PM
Replies (11-20):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:28 PM
1 mom liked this

He has issues with BM also, but his relationship with her is a little better. I think we need to establish how to handle birthdays from now on.

Quoting pdxmum:


Does he have issues with BM or do you have issues with BM?  I really can't remember so I am not trying to be snarky.

this is only going to get harder to navigate as SS gets older.  Is there any way to forget old issues so that dad can celebrate his son's birthday?  From another reply, it doesn't sound like he has ever gone to his sons birthday celebration.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

He is non-committal, he is using my response to gauge his but I think he would go. Generally, if they were friends, I would think it was okay, I wouldn't like it but it seems okay since it is something for their child but since we have had some issues in the past, I definitely don't think it would be appropriate.

Quoting pdxmum:

........... But is it appropriate for a single woman to invite a married man out for dinner with their son to celebrate his birthday?  She is single right?  Nah, not inappropriate.

but definitely odd.  What does he think?  






Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

CampClan
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:31 PM
My ex & I take our kids out to lunch or dinner for their birthdays. Infact this past March he paid for everyone & I bought everyone tickets to go see Oz! And everyone meant DD who turned 12 plus our 13yo DD (yDD wanted her big sis to go see Oz too!)
chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:32 PM
Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:36 PM

Let's change it up then, would you be ok with your SO and his EX having dinner with their child for the child's birthday?

Quoting chasinrainbows:

Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:40 PM

In my situation...sure. My ex and I get along and my dh and sm have never been treated like crap by the other parent. Would either my ex or I request this? No way, unless sm and my dh were included.

My dh refuses to be alone with bm-period. She is not trustworthy. 

What do you feel about it, Lee? 


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:47 PM

:) At first, I just shrugged it off and said 'do what you want to do' but then I said 'no way, totally unacceptable'. If past events didn't occur, it would be okay but that can't be undone so no way.

Quoting jlg12678:

In my situation...sure. My ex and I get along and my dh and sm have never been treated like crap by the other parent. Would either my ex or I request this? No way, unless sm and my dh were included.

My dh refuses to be alone with bm-period. She is not trustworthy. 

What do you feel about it, Lee? 



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:51 PM

We tried.  A few times.  An utter disaster each time.  We stopped.

i tried to include BF with DDs birthday.  Again, a disaster but for different reasons.  

We don't celebrate birthdays together.

would DH care if I had dinner with BF?  No.  He would be surprised since DDs don't ask for it and I don't like BFs company.

Would I care?  It really depends on why.  With me it would send a message of exclusion with SSs since I am very much a part of their lives.  I don't think DH would go and we would be having a discussion with SSs about what might be wrong.  If it was dinner with SD?  He barely has a relationship with her and I have even less.  I would kiss him on the cheek, wish him luck and enjoy my evening alone.  I would not go out with BM and SD.  

Lee, I think every situation is so different.  And yours is even more so because you want nothing to do with your SS and do not consider him family.  And not because of anything the kid did, just because he is not your kid.  


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Let's change it up then, would you be ok with your SO and his EX having dinner with their child for the child's birthday?

Quoting chasinrainbows:

Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....




aeELE
by Bronze Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 8:53 PM

DH and I have discussed this several times, and we've come to a resounding "no" every time. We have a amicable relationship w BM, but they do not coparent- strictly parallel here. BM has mentioned it a time or two (even w me and her SO), but going to dinner just isn't necessary and could be very confusing for SS (two completely different sets of behavioral expectations- who's rules does he abide by? What happens if he chooses the more lax code? Etc). 

It is different for us though. SS is only 3 and has already had more "double birthdays" than not. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:07 PM

yes, her request is appropriate, and it would be nice if your DH could go.

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:35 PM
I'd rather have DH go alone than all of us go.
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