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BM wants to have dinner with DH and SS

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for SS's 12th birthday. They aren't friends but they are somewhat civil, they co-parent a bit although BM mostly does what she wants. Is BM's request appropriate? Should DH go?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 7:02 PM
Replies (21-30):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:45 PM

It is because of what his mother did to me, that is my only issue with that situation. I don't see anything wrong with Exs who get along having dinner like that, which seems like a minority view.

Quoting pdxmum:

We tried.  A few times.  An utter disaster each time.  We stopped.

i tried to include BF with DDs birthday.  Again, a disaster but for different reasons.  

We don't celebrate birthdays together.

would DH care if I had dinner with BF?  No.  He would be surprised since DDs don't ask for it and I don't like BFs company.

Would I care?  It really depends on why.  With me it would send a message of exclusion with SSs since I am very much a part of their lives.  I don't think DH would go and we would be having a discussion with SSs about what might be wrong.  If it was dinner with SD?  He barely has a relationship with her and I have even less.  I would kiss him on the cheek, wish him luck and enjoy my evening alone.  I would not go out with BM and SD.  

Lee, I think every situation is so different.  And yours is even more so because you want nothing to do with your SS and do not consider him family.  And not because of anything the kid did, just because he is not your kid.  


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Let's change it up then, would you be ok with your SO and his EX having dinner with their child for the child's birthday?

Quoting chasinrainbows:

Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....





Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

rebeccasmly
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 9:52 PM

I know in our situation it would be completely inappropriate but that's because of the history. My ex was abusive and been MIA for 10+ years, BM has stated to myself and the SKs multiple times that she wants nothing to do with DH.

I know your situation is different though. Could the SS be wanting this? Did your husband have a plan for how he wanted to handle SS's birthday?

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:00 PM
I posted about this in another group. Similar scenario. Everyone told me that the subject of my post should get over it. These are the parents of the children and an innocent dinner shouldn't be a big deal.

I personally don't think I would be excited about it. But I'm not sure WHY I feel that way.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:02 PM
Just curious. But what does being single have to do with it? Isn't the man (Lee's hubs) the one who had marriage vows? Or your husband if this was your situation.

Would you be concerned that your husband would jump on a single woman but would be respectful of her if she were married?

I'm just curious. What does being single have to do with it?


Quoting shaag:

In my sitch it would be not just no but H**L NO! LOL



I don't see it as appropriate but that's just my opinion especially if she is single. Has she ever requested this before or is this a yearly (after divorce) tradition? It can always be changed to include spouses/SOs

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:05 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally agree with your feelings on this. 100%


Quoting leegirl_jm:

It is because of what his mother did to me, that is my only issue with that situation. I don't see anything wrong with Exs who get along having dinner like that, which seems like a minority view.

Quoting pdxmum:

We tried.  A few times.  An utter disaster each time.  We stopped.

i tried to include BF with DDs birthday.  Again, a disaster but for different reasons.  

We don't celebrate birthdays together.

would DH care if I had dinner with BF?  No.  He would be surprised since DDs don't ask for it and I don't like BFs company.

Would I care?  It really depends on why.  With me it would send a message of exclusion with SSs since I am very much a part of their lives.  I don't think DH would go and we would be having a discussion with SSs about what might be wrong.  If it was dinner with SD?  He barely has a relationship with her and I have even less.  I would kiss him on the cheek, wish him luck and enjoy my evening alone.  I would not go out with BM and SD.  

Lee, I think every situation is so different.  And yours is even more so because you want nothing to do with your SS and do not consider him family.  And not because of anything the kid did, just because he is not your kid.  



Quoting leegirl_jm:

Let's change it up then, would you be ok with your SO and his EX having dinner with their child for the child's birthday?

Quoting chasinrainbows:

Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....







Posted on CafeMom Mobile
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:06 PM


My original point was when will you let her actions towards you stop impacting SS?  You said it yourself that DH would go if it weren't for you.  Remove yourself from his equation when it comes to his son.  Let him figure things out on his own.  

BM has done enough to me to last a lifetime.  I still try to put that aside when it comes to SSs.  I even try to put it aside with SD.  SD does enough all on her own though...  I just never want to be the reason he doesn't have a relationship with SD so I stay out of it, I encourage him to figure it out with her and I never put him in a loyalty bind with his kids.

i do not get along with my ex.  I think he is a narcissistic anxiety ridden self center addicted ass.  If DDs wanted me to have dinner with him, I would though.  

Quoting leegirl_jm:

It is because of what his mother did to me, that is my only issue with that situation. I don't see anything wrong with Exs who get along having dinner like that, which seems like a minority view.

Quoting pdxmum:

We tried.  A few times.  An utter disaster each time.  We stopped.

i tried to include BF with DDs birthday.  Again, a disaster but for different reasons.  

We don't celebrate birthdays together.

would DH care if I had dinner with BF?  No.  He would be surprised since DDs don't ask for it and I don't like BFs company.

Would I care?  It really depends on why.  With me it would send a message of exclusion with SSs since I am very much a part of their lives.  I don't think DH would go and we would be having a discussion with SSs about what might be wrong.  If it was dinner with SD?  He barely has a relationship with her and I have even less.  I would kiss him on the cheek, wish him luck and enjoy my evening alone.  I would not go out with BM and SD.  

Lee, I think every situation is so different.  And yours is even more so because you want nothing to do with your SS and do not consider him family.  And not because of anything the kid did, just because he is not your kid.  


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Let's change it up then, would you be ok with your SO and his EX having dinner with their child for the child's birthday?

Quoting chasinrainbows:

Idk about this one. I mean...the kid isn't allowed at your house and your husband doesn't take any overnights so....







lalalamama
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:06 PM
Seems it might be nice for ss ti celebrate his birthday with both bio parents. Why not? I wouldn't mind if I were you.
Eyelashes23
by Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:31 PM
In my situation I would say hell no!! BM doesn't respect him or I, or our relationship. He wouldn't want to be caught dead alone with her lol
Humility1
by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:39 PM
2 moms liked this
Either way it's uncomfortable, I mean dh moved on an he is married, so just because its stepson's birthday, that doesn't mean that dh and bio mom have to be in the same room together. I mean you know your stepson can have dinner separately with biomom and he can have dinner separately with dh. That's just the way it is, things don't have to be uncomfortable, set boundaries protect and guard your heart! God bless:) this is just how I would advise dh:)


Quoting RMCmata:

I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Honestly I would think it could be confusing for ss...well depending on ss ideas of bm and dh getting back together.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2013 at 10:58 PM

I can't remove myself from DH's equation, he has that decision to make, and he always makes his own decision in the end but I think it is reasonable that he thinks of his wife and our family in his decision making.

I do see your point but I wouldn't hold myself responsible for issues in DH and SS's relationship as I have never prevented his access.

Quoting pdxmum:


My original point was when will you let her actions towards you stop impacting SS?  You said it yourself that DH would go if it weren't for you.  Remove yourself from his equation when it comes to his son.  Let him figure things out on his own.  

BM has done enough to me to last a lifetime.  I still try to put that aside when it comes to SSs.  I even try to put it aside with SD.  SD does enough all on her own though...  I just never want to be the reason he doesn't have a relationship with SD so I stay out of it, I encourage him to figure it out with her and I never put him in a loyalty bind with his kids.

i do not get along with my ex.  I think he is a narcissistic anxiety ridden self center addicted ass.  If DDs wanted me to have dinner with him, I would though.  

Quoting leegirl_jm:

It is because of what his mother did to me, that is my only issue with that situation. I don't see anything wrong with Exs who get along having dinner like that, which seems like a minority view.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

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