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BM wants to have dinner with DH and SS

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for SS's 12th birthday. They aren't friends but they are somewhat civil, they co-parent a bit although BM mostly does what she wants. Is BM's request appropriate? Should DH go?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 7:02 PM
Replies (41-50):
Graceplustwo
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:21 PM
Not cool.. Period.
I dont care if skid requested it or not, it not acceptable unless YOU and dh were invited.
Graceplustwo
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:23 PM
This


Quoting USBrit:

I believe it IS inappropriate for an ex-wife to ask her ex-husband to attend a dinner with her and their son. What part of "EX" do they not all get. AND especially if the husband is remarried, which in this case he is. Why does society make light of divorce? Divorce hurts families, why do we minimize that. If you want the big happy family STAY MARRIED!! Otherwise, yes..birthdays and holidays will SUCK from now on. You may have to choose one parent or the other. You may have to spend holidays alternating between two different houses.  If you want kids to understand why marriage is a commitment that should be taken very seriously............quit making divorce so pretty....it is ugly and hurts families. When we stop putting a bow on it, then maybe there won't be so many. 

I am sick of everyone saying it is better to take the high road....what? The high road is sticking it out through marriage for the sake of the children, if nothing else. The high road is letting divorce being a teaching tool of what NOT to do. Does that mean that the children have to be miserable. NOPE! They can enjoy both their parents at SEPARATE TIMES. Boundaries are so important, but especially in second marriages. Why do we think so many second marriages fail? NO BOUNDARIES!


USBrit
by Silver Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 8:48 PM

Oh yes, holidays and birthdays suck. Because......maybe the kid gets two holidays and birthdays.....ask them if they would rather have one birthday with both mom and dad still married and see what they answer. However, once divorced, once remarried.....that choice is over. so while the kid may accept the two celebrations, most of the time it is way more difficult for the parents to coordinate if "both" do every year. Most of the time, important occasions are alternated....so if that's the case, that means one parent is without their child and perhaps heartbroken over that. It may also be heartbreaking for the child. So, please once again don't sugarcoat divorce with ......the kids gets two celebration.......all the kid wants is one with his original family. I am a step to adults and I can tell you that even after 9 years these same kids would rather have mom and dad together. It's just normal and I don't get my feelings hurt...........Heck, when my parents divorced after 30 years and I was in my 20's I still wished they were together. So, if we can admit that to ourselves, why would these kids feel anything different. Sorry, but divorce just does suck, but especially for kids!

Quoting HighRoadToPnH:

I do think that the time for DH, BM and child to do family things like this together has past.

I think the important thing for BF to do overall is to be there for his child, be a good father and focus on their relationship. And BM should do the same.

I don't think the birthdays and holidays will suck from then on, the child just might end up with 2 of each! That doesn't sound all that bad to me!


Quoting USBrit:

I believe it IS inappropriate for an ex-wife to ask her ex-husband to attend a dinner with her and their son. What part of "EX" do they not all get. AND especially if the husband is remarried, which in this case he is. Why does society make light of divorce? Divorce hurts families, why do we minimize that. If you want the big happy family STAY MARRIED!! Otherwise, yes..birthdays and holidays will SUCK from now on. You may have to choose one parent or the other. You may have to spend holidays alternating between two different houses.  If you want kids to understand why marriage is a commitment that should be taken very seriously............quit making divorce so pretty....it is ugly and hurts families. When we stop putting a bow on it, then maybe there won't be so many. 

I am sick of everyone saying it is better to take the high road....what? The high road is sticking it out through marriage for the sake of the children, if nothing else. The high road is letting divorce being a teaching tool of what NOT to do. Does that mean that the children have to be miserable. NOPE! They can enjoy both their parents at SEPARATE TIMES. Boundaries are so important, but especially in second marriages. Why do we think so many second marriages fail? NO BOUNDARIES!



HighRoadToPnH
by Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:38 PM
I agree divorce does suck and ruins families, etc and I am disturbed by the high rate of divorce and infidelity these days,. Seems like the sanctity of marriage is a thing of the past!!

But what about children who's parents were never married and split before the child had a chance to remember them together at all. Seems like it should suck for them a little less because they never knew their parents together.

(Sorry for carrying on of this slight change of topic on this post)

OP - any update? Has he decided to go or no?



Quoting USBrit:

Oh yes, holidays and birthdays suck. Because......maybe the kid gets two holidays and birthdays.....ask them if they would rather have one birthday with both mom and dad still married and see what they answer. However, once divorced, once remarried.....that choice is over. so while the kid may accept the two celebrations, most of the time it is way more difficult for the parents to coordinate if "both" do every year. Most of the time, important occasions are alternated....so if that's the case, that means one parent is without their child and perhaps heartbroken over that. It may also be heartbreaking for the child. So, please once again don't sugarcoat divorce with ......the kids gets two celebration.......all the kid wants is one with his original family. I am a step to adults and I can tell you that even after 9 years these same kids would rather have mom and dad together. It's just normal and I don't get my feelings hurt...........Heck, when my parents divorced after 30 years and I was in my 20's I still wished they were together. So, if we can admit that to ourselves, why would these kids feel anything different. Sorry, but divorce just does suck, but especially for kids!

Quoting HighRoadToPnH:

I do think that the time for DH, BM and child to do family things like this together has past.



I think the important thing for BF to do overall is to be there for his child, be a good father and focus on their relationship. And BM should do the same.



I don't think the birthdays and holidays will suck from then on, the child just might end up with 2 of each! That doesn't sound all that bad to me!





Quoting USBrit:

I believe it IS inappropriate for an ex-wife to ask her ex-husband to attend a dinner with her and their son. What part of "EX" do they not all get. AND especially if the husband is remarried, which in this case he is. Why does society make light of divorce? Divorce hurts families, why do we minimize that. If you want the big happy family STAY MARRIED!! Otherwise, yes..birthdays and holidays will SUCK from now on. You may have to choose one parent or the other. You may have to spend holidays alternating between two different houses.  If you want kids to understand why marriage is a commitment that should be taken very seriously............quit making divorce so pretty....it is ugly and hurts families. When we stop putting a bow on it, then maybe there won't be so many. 

I am sick of everyone saying it is better to take the high road....what? The high road is sticking it out through marriage for the sake of the children, if nothing else. The high road is letting divorce being a teaching tool of what NOT to do. Does that mean that the children have to be miserable. NOPE! They can enjoy both their parents at SEPARATE TIMES. Boundaries are so important, but especially in second marriages. Why do we think so many second marriages fail? NO BOUNDARIES!





leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:06 PM

He went.

Quoting HighRoadToPnH:


OP - any update? Has he decided to go or no?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:11 PM

How do you feel about him going OP?

smarterthanyou
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:14 PM

 I would have my dh's head if he ever went anywhere "alone" together.......THEIR days are over, or our days are over.

USBrit
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:16 PM

Well, in that situation the ex would never ask for them to have dinner together and so it wouldn't even be an issue. I think you and I are agreeing on the same thing based on THIS situation.

Quoting HighRoadToPnH:

I agree divorce does suck and ruins families, etc and I am disturbed by the high rate of divorce and infidelity these days,. Seems like the sanctity of marriage is a thing of the past!!

But what about children who's parents were never married and split before the child had a chance to remember them together at all. Seems like it should suck for them a little less because they never knew their parents together.

(Sorry for carrying on of this slight change of topic on this post)

OP - any update? Has he decided to go or no?



Quoting USBrit:

Oh yes, holidays and birthdays suck. Because......maybe the kid gets two holidays and birthdays.....ask them if they would rather have one birthday with both mom and dad still married and see what they answer. However, once divorced, once remarried.....that choice is over. so while the kid may accept the two celebrations, most of the time it is way more difficult for the parents to coordinate if "both" do every year. Most of the time, important occasions are alternated....so if that's the case, that means one parent is without their child and perhaps heartbroken over that. It may also be heartbreaking for the child. So, please once again don't sugarcoat divorce with ......the kids gets two celebration.......all the kid wants is one with his original family. I am a step to adults and I can tell you that even after 9 years these same kids would rather have mom and dad together. It's just normal and I don't get my feelings hurt...........Heck, when my parents divorced after 30 years and I was in my 20's I still wished they were together. So, if we can admit that to ourselves, why would these kids feel anything different. Sorry, but divorce just does suck, but especially for kids!

Quoting HighRoadToPnH:

I do think that the time for DH, BM and child to do family things like this together has past.



I think the important thing for BF to do overall is to be there for his child, be a good father and focus on their relationship. And BM should do the same.



I don't think the birthdays and holidays will suck from then on, the child just might end up with 2 of each! That doesn't sound all that bad to me!





Quoting USBrit:

I believe it IS inappropriate for an ex-wife to ask her ex-husband to attend a dinner with her and their son. What part of "EX" do they not all get. AND especially if the husband is remarried, which in this case he is. Why does society make light of divorce? Divorce hurts families, why do we minimize that. If you want the big happy family STAY MARRIED!! Otherwise, yes..birthdays and holidays will SUCK from now on. You may have to choose one parent or the other. You may have to spend holidays alternating between two different houses.  If you want kids to understand why marriage is a commitment that should be taken very seriously............quit making divorce so pretty....it is ugly and hurts families. When we stop putting a bow on it, then maybe there won't be so many. 

I am sick of everyone saying it is better to take the high road....what? The high road is sticking it out through marriage for the sake of the children, if nothing else. The high road is letting divorce being a teaching tool of what NOT to do. Does that mean that the children have to be miserable. NOPE! They can enjoy both their parents at SEPARATE TIMES. Boundaries are so important, but especially in second marriages. Why do we think so many second marriages fail? NO BOUNDARIES!






USBrit
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:18 PM

I agree with you...this husband needs to choose which wife he wants to spend the rest of his life with and he can't have both. I feel for the OP, I would be packing my bags and leaving that mess behind. BOUNDARIES people boundaries. Some people never learn what causes divorce. :(

Quoting smarterthanyou:

 I would have my dh's head if he ever went anywhere "alone" together.......THEIR days are over, or our days are over.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 3:26 PM

I am not pleased, it was the wrong decision.

Quoting Bertieb:

How do you feel about him going OP?


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

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