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Question about OP clothes

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:04 AM
  • 34 Replies

Ok so ever since DH separated from BM he has always got clothes that have holes in them or that are 2 small for the kids.  Unless DH was taking them to school then BM would pack them good clothes.  DH has talked to BM asked where all his CS goes and BM she just blows it off or come up with some lame excuse about the clothes.  DH knows that the kids have new clothes because he goes and has lunch with them at school or goes to other school events and kids are in clothes and DH never seen.  DH is pretty sure that the kids have certain outfits that go to dad's house and certain clothes that stay at mom's house.  The reason he thinks this is the kids come over in the same outfits every couple a weeks.  So anyway DH picks up the kids this weekend and SD is wearing flip flops 2 sizes 2 small.  Her heel is hanging out of the flip flop and they were worn out.  They look like they were flip flops from last year.  DH asked SD if she had a new pair of flip flops at BM house and she said yes and then asked why she wore these and SD said BM told her too.  So DH told SD to throw the flip flops away since they were too small.  DH told both kids that if BM sends them over in clothes that are too small or worn out or have holes in them the clothes are getting thrown away.  DH is sick and tired of him paying CS and these are the kind of clothes she sends them in.  Now we have clothes for them to wear that is not the issue but if we had plans to go someplace after we pick them up then we have to stop home and change if the clothes are too small or holes in them.  Now here is the question.  Do we send SD home in a pair of flip flops we have?  Then those will be the new flip flops that come back and forth.  Or do we just send her home barefoot?  Or do we tell BM that we threw them away because they were too small.  BM is very tit for tat and DH is worried that if kids want to wear our clothes home that she will throw them away.  SS is older and some of his clothes are a little more expensive and we don't want those clothes to get thrown away.  And SS likes to wear them to his BM sometimes which we don't mind because we always get them back.  Anyway DH is worried that BM will say that SS clothes have holes in it and throw them away.  So has anyone had this happen to them and how did they handle it. 

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
rebeccasmly
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:12 AM

We started off by sending the kids in the name brand, nice clothes we bought for the kids They kept getting ruined though. After discussing things with the lawyer, the suggestion was made to have a set of clothes they wear to BMs for her visitation. In turn, they were to wear exactly what they came home in the next time. BM expected us to provide the clothing for her house though. Fortunately in our state it is actually required that each parent provide the needs of the children during their time and clothes is listed as a need. We no longer have ruined or lost clothes. When I hear someone caomplain about clothes this is always what I think of. WHy we sent the kids in the clothes that we did. Not saying that is what you do but just saying BM may have a reason to send them in the clothing she does.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:22 AM

I would try to find nice, cheap clothes that the kids can take and it won't be a financial burden to have to replace them. Anytime SS11 comes home in BMs clothes, it comes with a demand that they be returned, yet any clothes that are left at BMs from our house never come back. Last excuse was that they were dirty...as apparently dirty clothes can not come home. I may try and remind SS to wear whatever clothes BM sent him home in, just to save him from having to listen to her bitch about it.

orcawhales98
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:32 AM

I see your point but we have never ruined or stained any of BM clothes.  Only 1 time we lost clothes and it was because we went on vacation and one of our bags was lost and everyone lost their pj.  Well SS was wearing BM pj and we told BM and offered to replace them or give her money to buy new ones but BM said no that is ok.  After that we just had the kids come over in what they were wearing that day and they go home in the same clothes.  Then we find out that the kids have to change clothes after school before they come over to our house.  We think that it is BM mom and her mom is the one that buys the clothes so has these rules that I will buy the kids new clothes but they can't go over to their Dad's house.  The clothes that BM mom buys have to stay at BM house.  And maybe BM lawyer told her this I don't know.  It is just very frusterating. 


Quoting rebeccasmly:

We started off by sending the kids in the name brand, nice clothes we bought for the kids They kept getting ruined though. After discussing things with the lawyer, the suggestion was made to have a set of clothes they wear to BMs for her visitation. In turn, they were to wear exactly what they came home in the next time. BM expected us to provide the clothing for her house though. Fortunately in our state it is actually required that each parent provide the needs of the children during their time and clothes is listed as a need. We no longer have ruined or lost clothes. When I hear someone caomplain about clothes this is always what I think of. WHy we sent the kids in the clothes that we did. Not saying that is what you do but just saying BM may have a reason to send them in the clothing she does.



orcawhales98
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:37 AM


About a year ago we stop having BM pack clothes and we just have the kids go home in the outfit they came in.  Then we found out that the kids have to change clothes after school before they come to our house.  And we might just have to stop having SS wear our clothes to BM.  We have always got them back but now that we have thrown away SD flip flops that were about $5 I can see BM throwing away one of SS shirts that were like $30 for to be a bitch. 

Quoting SassyMom25:

I would try to find nice, cheap clothes that the kids can take and it won't be a financial burden to have to replace them. Anytime SS11 comes home in BMs clothes, it comes with a demand that they be returned, yet any clothes that are left at BMs from our house never come back. Last excuse was that they were dirty...as apparently dirty clothes can not come home. I may try and remind SS to wear whatever clothes BM sent him home in, just to save him from having to listen to her bitch about it.



petie1104
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 12:46 AM
You're assuming negative intent. My kids have play clothes they wear on weekends. IF they had to go back and forth on weekends for anything, they would wear their play clothes.

My suggestion, how about talking to BM and asking of there is a reason for this. Ss had clothes at our house and BM's house when dh had shared custody. He wore play clothes for going back and forth because, well nice clothes were for going out in. We had some issues but not related to that. So how about just ask bm what's up with the clothes. I don't see how CS comes into play when you said you know they have clothes, so questioning what the CS is for makes no sense in this context.
jennjustus
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:02 AM
When we get SS I buy him new clothes mostly because his clothes are to small and I can not stand for a kid to walk around with their pants above their knees. We get him for a few weeks every six months so its not like we can ask her for different clothes. With that being said everything we buy we keep at our house eventually my son will grow into them and it wasn't a wast of money. We do this with toys as well so that SS has stuff at our house.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:11 AM
2 moms liked this
I would never send my kid in clothes that are too small. That is ridiculous and really unnecessary. The only person that it truly effects is the kid that has clothes that are ill fitting and uncomfortable.

Now I will say this. I do send my child in clothes that they won't want to keep. They are not ugly and are not damaged or ill fitting. But they are not name brand, they are clothes that didn't cost much so to replace them would not cost me much. If dad doesn't have clothes at his home, he is more likely to keep what he can. This happens to me. Even when it's been innocent and they were put in the laundry instead of the bag, my problem is even after being notified of them being left/kept they are not returned. So my dd usually travels to dads in the same school spirit shirt on Friday that she wears to school and is sent with a plain colored shirt that might have cost me $5. Shorts and jeans are hard because those are just expensive any way. Especially now that my child is moving in to the bigger girls dept and jeans aren't $10 anymore. More like $40-$60.

Now if your husband doesn't have a habit or a history of keeping their clothes, then I can't imagine why she would do this. But in my experience the reason I don't send the nicer clothes is because I really need them to stay here. She is here all week and needs clothes for school. I have yet to figure out why a parent that has a child for 4- 8 nights a month can't purchase 4-8 sets of clothes for their child.
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minimoo
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:26 AM

 I buy clothes/shoes that are not too much to replace. BF is very disrespectful when it comes to other people's things; her brand new good winter jacket came home with Sharpie marks drawn all over it from his daughter and one of her shirts, he sent back on her with holes cut out of it (apparently, he let his then 2 year old play with scissors while he took an all day nap). They come back filthy, reak of smoke or not at all. There have been many times where he doesn't plan properly to get her stuff, and has not changed her back into her clothes she goes over in, so I would have to buy a new pair of tennis shoes so she could participate in gym (since he failed to return her shoes). We do have a policy that she has specific clothes for other there for that reason. I buy one warm weather outfit and one cold weather outfit, a cheap pair of tennies and a cheap pair of sandals each season (so she always has stuff that fits). This way, if something comes back ruined or not at all, I am not out tons of money to replace it again. Maybe I would feel a little different if he offered to replace what he destroyed or allowed to be destroyed (after all, I was always taught that if you ruin other people's property, you replace it- and if I failed to bring back my child's needed footware because I was being irresponsible, I would then go out of my way to make sure I returned them); he can't even be bothered to pay CS, so...he doesn't understand how expensive kids clothes can be.

But...it sounds like your sitch is not mine; I do not know why your BM does this. Did she used to send them in nice clothes? Then after the missing luggage instance changed? If that's the case, maybe deep down she was upset about the missing clothes (not saying that was in your control)? And didn't want to say anything? It sounds like she now just wants to send stuff over that won't be missed if lost or something. I don't know. Maybe DH can talk to her and find out her reasoning (NOT accusing or inquiring about CS and where it goes- maybe something along the lines of "I noticed that kids come over in grungy and too small clothes. I was wondering if I did something to make you feel like I do not take care of them. If I did, can you tell me about it?") I think this would alleviate a lot of the problem- she will either tell him what bothered her, so he could fix it, or she won't, and he can just accept that she feels one way and he cannot change that.

As far as interrogating about where CS money is going- she really does not have to give a breakdown or spreadsheet, and this will be counterproductive. If BF tried doing this with me (let's say he was paying what he was ordered), I could honestly say..."hmm, well, the CS you pay covers 1/3 of just your portion of her medical insurance, a banana, 1/4 of the cost of her monthly medications, and 1/3 of the gas I use just for you to see her. Want to guess how much I actually spend on her every month? You still want to maje demands on what clothes she comes over in?" It really is insulting to ask, because really, he is telling her that he thinks she is not providing proper care for their children, even though he knows she really is, see what I'm saying? He knows that the kids have good, decent fitting clothing. He knows that she is buying them. She just for whatever reason, does not feel comfortable sending it to his house. That really has nothing to do with CS- obviously, the kids are taken care of.

I would strongly suggest that DH does not throw away anything that does not belong to him. Even if it is too small, or has holes, or whatever, it is not his to throw away. If he doesn't want her to wear the shoes, that's fine- he can take them, put them in a bag, let her wear a different pair (or buy a pair if he does not have any), and tell mom they were too small when she picks them up. Throwing them away will only reinforce her belief that he cannot be trusted with good clothes- KWIM? In her eyes, it will validate her reasons for her "no good clothes to dad's" expectation. I can only imagine- a few months ago, DD grabbed a jacket when she was getting ready for visitation with BF. It was a "just in case" jacket, because it was not very chilly when we left, so she did not put it on. Both her and YDD had matching jackets, because they love to be twins. She grabbed sister's jacket by mistake; neither of us noticed because she did not put it on then. Sister wears 3 sizes smaller. If BF had decided he would just throw away this perfectly good jacket (he has also had a history of throwing away things from our house- it is his means of control), I would have been beyond pissed. That jacket belonged to her sister. Not her, and most DEFINITELY, not him.


Quoting orcawhales98:

I see your point but we have never ruined or stained any of BM clothes.  Only 1 time we lost clothes and it was because we went on vacation and one of our bags was lost and everyone lost their pj.  Well SS was wearing BM pj and we told BM and offered to replace them or give her money to buy new ones but BM said no that is ok.  After that we just had the kids come over in what they were wearing that day and they go home in the same clothes.  Then we find out that the kids have to change clothes after school before they come over to our house.  We think that it is BM mom and her mom is the one that buys the clothes so has these rules that I will buy the kids new clothes but they can't go over to their Dad's house.  The clothes that BM mom buys have to stay at BM house.  And maybe BM lawyer told her this I don't know.  It is just very frusterating. 

 

Quoting rebeccasmly:

We started off by sending the kids in the name brand, nice clothes we bought for the kids They kept getting ruined though. After discussing things with the lawyer, the suggestion was made to have a set of clothes they wear to BMs for her visitation. In turn, they were to wear exactly what they came home in the next time. BM expected us to provide the clothing for her house though. Fortunately in our state it is actually required that each parent provide the needs of the children during their time and clothes is listed as a need. We no longer have ruined or lost clothes. When I hear someone caomplain about clothes this is always what I think of. WHy we sent the kids in the clothes that we did. Not saying that is what you do but just saying BM may have a reason to send them in the clothing she does.

 

 


 

minimoo
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:31 AM

 I do Goodwill for her "BF clothes". He cannot be trusted to respect them, so I don't want to be out tons of money. Thank God he doesn't confiscate her bras and panties for their younger children (although, he has returned her in his DD's undies before- that really icked me out; that is something that I believe should not be shared. They were all poop stained too (not DD's- you could tell they had been washed through several times with the poop on it).


Quoting momof2ex1:

I would never send my kid in clothes that are too small. That is ridiculous and really unnecessary. The only person that it truly effects is the kid that has clothes that are ill fitting and uncomfortable.

Now I will say this. I do send my child in clothes that they won't want to keep. They are not ugly and are not damaged or ill fitting. But they are not name brand, they are clothes that didn't cost much so to replace them would not cost me much. If dad doesn't have clothes at his home, he is more likely to keep what he can. This happens to me. Even when it's been innocent and they were put in the laundry instead of the bag, my problem is even after being notified of them being left/kept they are not returned. So my dd usually travels to dads in the same school spirit shirt on Friday that she wears to school and is sent with a plain colored shirt that might have cost me $5. Shorts and jeans are hard because those are just expensive any way. Especially now that my child is moving in to the bigger girls dept and jeans aren't $10 anymore. More like $40-$60.

Now if your husband doesn't have a habit or a history of keeping their clothes, then I can't imagine why she would do this. But in my experience the reason I don't send the nicer clothes is because I really need them to stay here. She is here all week and needs clothes for school. I have yet to figure out why a parent that has a child for 4- 8 nights a month can't purchase 4-8 sets of clothes for their child.


 

minimoo
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:38 AM
1 mom liked this

 This. This sums up my novel below :-)

OP- mom is not neglecting the kids. They have proper clothing. Interrogations and accusations about CS not being used to provide for the kids is insulting, demeaning, and completely absurd. Instead, DH should be asking her about what he did (or she perceived he did) to make her not trust him with good clothes. Or it could be as simple as she puts them in play clothes, like petie said. If he has a history of throwing clothes away, this could be her reasoning. He cannot control what she sends the kids in. If he talks to her, he will walk away with either an understanding as to why subpar clothes are on the kids during visits (and either they can work through it and she will send them in regular clothes), or knowledge that they will continue to be sent in that clothing. If the later is the case, then he can plan properly, keep a change of clothes in the car for them to change into if need be, and not stress.


Quoting petie1104:

You're assuming negative intent. My kids have play clothes they wear on weekends. IF they had to go back and forth on weekends for anything, they would wear their play clothes.

My suggestion, how about talking to BM and asking of there is a reason for this. Ss had clothes at our house and BM's house when dh had shared custody. He wore play clothes for going back and forth because, well nice clothes were for going out in. We had some issues but not related to that. So how about just ask bm what's up with the clothes. I don't see how CS comes into play when you said you know they have clothes, so questioning what the CS is for makes no sense in this context.


 

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