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I don't even know how to support DH anymore...

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Things are not good between DH and BM for SS12. She doesn't like me and has made it clear to DH that she sees him soley as a sperm donor and monthly rent provider. She does not want him in SS's life. DH fights and fights and fights. DH and BM were together until SS was 8. After that a court order was put in place and DH has had consistent visitation for the last 4 or so years. BM has since remarried and has a 2 year old. DH and I married in the fall and are expected our first child together. BM decided, without discussion with DH, that she was going to move SS this summer. DH firmly believes this is not what is best for SS and is contesting the move. Things have only escalated from there. BM refuses to communicate with DH about even the littlest things. Visitations with SS have gotten very difficult as he is at an age where he shows a strong dislike for us and everything involved with us. DH had SS yesterday for Father's Day. SS never wished him a Happy Father's Day or even acknowledged it. BM called SS late in the day and reminded him about summer visitation with his dad. SS got upset and proceeded to break his younger brothers toys, yell at DH, and tell him he doesn't care about him. DH was devestated. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know how to support him. I don't know the words to say to make it better. I can't tell him it will be okay. What if it never is okay? What if his son never comes around? What if he spends his whole life hating his father? The man that loves him so much? I stay out of the situation between DH and BM. It's not my problem. But I hate that she continues to say these hurtful things to DH. I hate that SS hears them. I hate that SS believes them. It just makes me sad.
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Replies (11-20):
FindersKeepers
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I recently met an older couple with a blended family and we were talking step kids... I said that I was surprised because everyone told me the girl would be harderd but my SS had a much more difficult time accepting me than SD.   The woman said something brilliant that I think applies here... "No, girls want their daddy's to be happy and boys want their mommy's to be happy."

In this case, the BM is not happy and your 12yo step-son is going to defend her and side with her.  It is not unusual for his age and many psycological principles are written about the mother-son bond.   Your DH is not going to be able to 'win' this, he just has to continue to take the higher road and as SS gets older he will understand more.   Keep the custody agreement, make sure they see each other as often as possible.... consider family counselling, but at a minimum DH should talk to SS.  Let him know he loves him, that he understands that he wants to protect his mom (good young man behavior), that there are things he cannot understand yet, and listen to what he says.  Often kids feel rejected by the parent that left or has less custody...anger is a defense mechanism.   DH is just going to have to be consistent and hopefully in time, this relationship can heal....

FindersKeepers
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:55 AM
2 moms liked this

 Not sure where this question took a turn into ALL ABOUT YOU. 

This is a valid question for this group and if you do not like it, you should find another group that you relate to better. 


Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 


 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 6:37 AM
1 mom liked this

If I were the Dad, I'd schedule an appointment with a family therapist during my parenting time, and go discuss the issues, and the reasons behind SS's anger. A lot of it is his age. some of it might be resulting from things his mom told him about his dad. I'd want to discuss this with a counselor and get to the route of the problem, and work on repairing the relationship.

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 8:06 AM

Thank you for all the suggestions!  Per the court order, counseling has to be agreed upon by both parents.  DH has suggested it, BM refuses stating it is unnecessary.  DH hopes to get this changed in the upcoming court proceedings. 

We've spent the last couple years believing that some day he'll come around.  If we continue to take the higher road and act like the adults in the situation that some day SS will see that.  We'll continue to do that.  It's just hard to keep believing it as things continue to get worse.  But I know my husband, and I know he won't give up.  I've just never seen him this upset and distraught about a situation with SS and BM so it's really hard.     

jteffs
by Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 8:13 AM

 That same thing happened to my SDs when I was pregnant with Caitlyn. They were ELEVEN and she would tell them that Daddy would only want them to come over to babysit and wouldn't love them anymore, because he had a new baby, and you know, baby's are much cuter than you guys. It was ridiculous. They're twins, and she has one of them on her leash (figuratively) all the time...and she used to tell her how she didn't feel good and needed her to come home to take care of her and keep her company.

Why on earth do MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child? Oh wait...because just like every other human being (mother or father) no one is perfect, so I hate the idea that someone just makes a blanket, snarky comment about "evil BMs" this and "evil BMs" that. Open your eyes, there are shitty parents all over the place.

Sorry Tinkerbellmama...I guess that was really more for Lurion.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I gotta tell you, BM has done EVERYTHING to try to destroy DH's relationship with SD.

When we were expecting our DDs (who are now 5 and 6, so SD was 6 and 7 when they were born, but developmentally about 4/5) BM would tell SD that daddy is having a new baby daughter and doesn't need her anymore; that daddy isn't going to want SD around anymore when his new baby daughter is born. That daddy doesn't love SD anymore. Because daddy is going to see his new baby daughter every day and doesn't see SD every day daddy doesn't love SD. BM told SD, "I just get so depressed when you aren't with me. I need you to keep me happy." And, "It hurts me when you're happy to see daddy and SM" or "it hurts me when you ask to talk to daddy."

Seriously, those are the things SD has repeated over the years to not only us, but now to her counselor. It totally happens. I can't say for sure that it is in this situation, but I can tell you 100% that DH has done nothing but love his daughter and he's done his best to ensure that SD has the best relationship possible with both himself and BM. He's probably done too much to help BM's relationship with SD, especially now that BM can't even be bothered to spend more than a few hours with her kid at a time.

 

Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 

 

 

 

spicy0425
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 8:25 AM

Most men don't talk and discuss about their "feelings". But I think your husband needs to have that talk with his son. Just tell him to ask the kid "hey, what did I do that make you say those things. It hurts me to see that you are unhappy/feel sad/act up/do destructive things because I want you to be happy, not develop destructive habit...etc.." ask the son what the son see is wrong that makes him act that way...I don't know if it helps or not, but at least it opens a dialog for them to talk and sort it out hopefully.

blueeyedpixie
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:56 AM
Hugs momma. I know exactly what you are going through! Dh and bm split when their dds were 9 and 4 and its been a battle ever since(they are now 17 and 13). Dh has been there for every visitation allowed and paid every cent he's been ordered plus more that hasn't. But she still to this day talks horrible about him to their girls and he has talks with them almost every time he has them to try and fix things but they always say nothing is wrong. We had them this Father's Day too and they don't say anything. He also just bought them both bday gifts over $400 each and no thank you whatsoever. I just don't know what to say anymore:-( it hurts him so bad and he is sad for days! Then when he starts to get past it something else happens:( he has also tried going to counseling with them but bm refuses to cooperate(won't answer phone, won't let him pick them up,ect) I hope you can find something that works...
minimoo
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:19 AM
I really don't think she was referring to any stereotype, just reality. A lot of times, you hear people complain that "it's all mom's fault that the kids don't have a good relationship with the kids." Yes, there are some times this is the case and mom really did turn the kids against dad, but in reality, the majority of the time, the relationship deteriorated BC of something/s dad did or did not do. Shifting responsibility to a 3rd party will get him nowhere BC 1. He will be ignoring what is really going on and 2. Most likely his kid will lose respect and become resentful that he is blaming their mother for his own actions. It is so much easier to point the finger than look in the mirror. This goes for anyone, not just dads. If he truly wants to fix his relationship, he needs to reflect on his actions, communicate with his kid, really listen, and go from there. If he doesn't really want to fix it, continue to blame mom, and things will just get worse.


Quoting CodeBlue:

Right because God knows all dads are deadbeats and all moms are self sacrificing angels. Get over yourself.




Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 



bottomline
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 10:40 AM

 My heart goes out to you. This is exactly what DH and I went through for years. The boys expressed anger and hate towards DH for years, because bm reinforced that behavior 24/7. It's disgusting.

The boys are grown and Dh still struggles to have any kind of relationship with them. It's stressful and sad and gut wrenching all at the same time. I feel so badly for you and your DH having to go through it also.

Try counseling for DH and SS, and pray it works for them. I don't know what is accomplished by bm's behavior other than she taught her kids to hate, just like her. Wow, proud moment huh? SMDH.

packermomof2
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:36 AM

 


Quoting FindersKeepers:

 Not sure where this question took a turn into ALL ABOUT YOU. 

This is a valid question for this group and if you do not like it, you should find another group that you relate to better. 

 She didn't make it all about her.  If the OP's question is valid, so is this one. Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 

 

 


 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
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