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I don't even know how to support DH anymore...

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Things are not good between DH and BM for SS12. She doesn't like me and has made it clear to DH that she sees him soley as a sperm donor and monthly rent provider. She does not want him in SS's life. DH fights and fights and fights. DH and BM were together until SS was 8. After that a court order was put in place and DH has had consistent visitation for the last 4 or so years. BM has since remarried and has a 2 year old. DH and I married in the fall and are expected our first child together. BM decided, without discussion with DH, that she was going to move SS this summer. DH firmly believes this is not what is best for SS and is contesting the move. Things have only escalated from there. BM refuses to communicate with DH about even the littlest things. Visitations with SS have gotten very difficult as he is at an age where he shows a strong dislike for us and everything involved with us. DH had SS yesterday for Father's Day. SS never wished him a Happy Father's Day or even acknowledged it. BM called SS late in the day and reminded him about summer visitation with his dad. SS got upset and proceeded to break his younger brothers toys, yell at DH, and tell him he doesn't care about him. DH was devestated. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know how to support him. I don't know the words to say to make it better. I can't tell him it will be okay. What if it never is okay? What if his son never comes around? What if he spends his whole life hating his father? The man that loves him so much? I stay out of the situation between DH and BM. It's not my problem. But I hate that she continues to say these hurtful things to DH. I hate that SS hears them. I hate that SS believes them. It just makes me sad.
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Replies (21-30):
packermomof2
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:38 AM

 


Quoting jteffs:

 

Why on earth do MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child?

Some fathers do as well... (MOTHERS don't ... SOME mothers do... not just a blanket, snarky comment about how MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child is needed here)

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:44 AM

I don't blame BM for the way SS feels and acts towards DH.  I blame BM for the things that come out of her mouth.  The things that DH, myself, and SS hear.  The things that others hear.  The actual things that are said.  I don't blame BM for the way SS feels or acts.

jteffs
by Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:50 PM
That was the point...

Quoting packermomof2:

 




Quoting jteffs:


 


Why on earth do MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child?


Some fathers do as well... (MOTHERS don't ... SOME mothers do... not just a blanket, snarky comment about how MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child is needed here)

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:24 PM

 

Then your DH needs to state the reasons he wants the counseling I cant see the judge refusing.. just dont let Lawyers wash the request in the hallway.  Make it a priority that SS needs help.   Of course BM dont want it a counselor will rip BM apart for the things she says to this child.    My DS went through counseling for 4 years.  The negative impact is huge.  When you have a parent who treats another parent bad young kids pick up on this they mimick the behavior and develop the same attitude.  Its a bad influence and the result is this child has learned to relate to his father with anger and harshness just the same as the mother.  Its all he was ever taught.  This is all he will grow to learn if it is not stopped.   I went through hell to get my son past the anger.. the best thing that ever happened is his father is no where around to encourage the bad behavior.   Sad .. but no parent is better than a bad parent.

Quoting Eternity807:

Thank you for all the suggestions!  Per the court order, counseling has to be agreed upon by both parents.  DH has suggested it, BM refuses stating it is unnecessary.  DH hopes to get this changed in the upcoming court proceedings. 

We've spent the last couple years believing that some day he'll come around.  If we continue to take the higher road and act like the adults in the situation that some day SS will see that.  We'll continue to do that.  It's just hard to keep believing it as things continue to get worse.  But I know my husband, and I know he won't give up.  I've just never seen him this upset and distraught about a situation with SS and BM so it's really hard.     


 

Lurion
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:27 PM

No, it's always all about the evil birth mom isn't it? Is that the purpose of this group? 


Quoting FindersKeepers:

 Not sure where this question took a turn into ALL ABOUT YOU. 

This is a valid question for this group and if you do not like it, you should find another group that you relate to better. 


Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 





Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:37 PM

DH has no doubt the judge will grant the request for counseling and remove the stipulation in the court order.  It's just a matter of getting to that point.  It is likely the entire process of modifying the court order will take atleast a year from start to finish based on the difficulties DH expects to encounter from BM.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 4:08 PM

No worries, I totally understand.

There are crappy fathers, crappy mothers, crappy step-fathers, and crappy step-mothers. Just as there are good fathers, good mothers, good step-fathers, and good step-mothers.

SD has gone through LOTS of counseling to help over come the crap BM did to her.


Quoting jteffs:

 That same thing happened to my SDs when I was pregnant with Caitlyn. They were ELEVEN and she would tell them that Daddy would only want them to come over to babysit and wouldn't love them anymore, because he had a new baby, and you know, baby's are much cuter than you guys. It was ridiculous. They're twins, and she has one of them on her leash (figuratively) all the time...and she used to tell her how she didn't feel good and needed her to come home to take care of her and keep her company.

Why on earth do MOTHERS put that kind of stress on a child? Oh wait...because just like every other human being (mother or father) no one is perfect, so I hate the idea that someone just makes a blanket, snarky comment about "evil BMs" this and "evil BMs" that. Open your eyes, there are shitty parents all over the place.

Sorry Tinkerbellmama...I guess that was really more for Lurion.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I gotta tell you, BM has done EVERYTHING to try to destroy DH's relationship with SD.

When we were expecting our DDs (who are now 5 and 6, so SD was 6 and 7 when they were born, but developmentally about 4/5) BM would tell SD that daddy is having a new baby daughter and doesn't need her anymore; that daddy isn't going to want SD around anymore when his new baby daughter is born. That daddy doesn't love SD anymore. Because daddy is going to see his new baby daughter every day and doesn't see SD every day daddy doesn't love SD. BM told SD, "I just get so depressed when you aren't with me. I need you to keep me happy." And, "It hurts me when you're happy to see daddy and SM" or "it hurts me when you ask to talk to daddy."

Seriously, those are the things SD has repeated over the years to not only us, but now to her counselor. It totally happens. I can't say for sure that it is in this situation, but I can tell you 100% that DH has done nothing but love his daughter and he's done his best to ensure that SD has the best relationship possible with both himself and BM. He's probably done too much to help BM's relationship with SD, especially now that BM can't even be bothered to spend more than a few hours with her kid at a time.


Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 



 



newwife1
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 8:18 PM

You wouldn't like my answer lol

FindersKeepers
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 11:43 PM

 No... the point of the group is for stepmoms to support each other in what is typically an extremely complex family relationship. 

There is propably another group for Evil Birth Moms... if that shoe fits you should look for that group. 


Quoting Lurion:

No, it's always all about the evil birth mom isn't it? Is that the purpose of this group? 

 

Quoting FindersKeepers:

 Not sure where this question took a turn into ALL ABOUT YOU. 

This is a valid question for this group and if you do not like it, you should find another group that you relate to better. 

 

Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 

 

 

 

 


 

Nlvonblah
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:42 AM

Seems like CodeBlue's a real bitch!!


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